Do I tell my sister the rumor I heard about her?

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Question: An acquaintance asked me about a rumor that my little sister was sexually assaulted while she was away at school. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. She said she heard the info from a cousin who I can't stand but my who my sister is really close with and relies on. I know if I ask my cousin about it she will deny saying anything. I'm just afraid this rumor will get back to my sister and she will feel embarrassed that everyone is talking about her, and feel betrayed by my cousin. I want to say something to warn her, but I have no idea how to bring it up, and I wonder if I should say anything. Is it the right thing to upset her if she might never hear about it? If she was sexually assaulted is she going to want her big brother bringing it up to her? Sorry for the long question, I'm lost about what to do.

Answer: Rumors are awful things but I have found most people want to know about them even if there is nothing they can do to stop the spread of the rumor. Even if the knowledge is painful.

Do onto others as THEY would have done onto them. This is the platinum rule and it very much applies here. This is a very tricky situation with no clear right answer. Our first step is to ask the golden rule, if you were in her situation what would you want her to do? Would you want to know about the rumor? Then from what you know of your sister, what do you think she would want you to do.

Let us begin with the premise that the rumor is true. Survivors of sexual assault are often filled with shame and self doubt. This may be an opportunity for you to tell her how much you love and care for her, and that if she was sexually assaulted it does not change your feelings for her what so ever. If she was assaulted your expression of unconditional love may be an important tool for her to use in her healing. If she was not assaulted you are laying the ground work, that if god forbid, something should ever happen to her, she knows she will have you as an ally.

How do you bring this up? On the phone, via text, at the dinner table...? Should you be specific or vague?

If you are trying to be sensitive to a person's privacy I suggest telling some thing like this in a letter that your sister can read privately and then follow up with you if she has questions. If you bring it up in any format where there can be back and forth dialog do not expect your sister to know how to respond. Imagine how difficult it was for you to respond to the person who brought it up and now turn up the volume and snap the knob off.

Do NOT beat around the bush. Get directly to the point. This is what I heard, this is how I heard it, this is what I'm afraid you are feeling, this is why I'm telling you, this is what I hope you will feel when you are done reading, this is when/how you can follow up with me if you want to. Start and end with how much you love her and how nothing will ever change that.

One area where you will have to be careful is in the way you bring the cousin you do not care for into the story. You want to make sure this does not seem like some vendetta that you have against her. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, even if you do not feel like she deserves it. Just report the information you got from your source as you received it, and openly admit that you have not talked to your cousin, and you hope the info is false.

Rumors and sexual assault have one terrible thing in common, they make a person feel powerless. You want to let your sister know that she isn't. That people are going to love her and believe the best about her no matter what they hear because of the good relationships she has developed over the years.

If you write a letter to your sister have someone you trust (someone that will not further spread the rumor) read it over to make sure your intended message of love and support is the strongest message being broadcast.

If you have written your message thoughtfully your sister will be prepared to deal with any questions that come her way and will not feel blindsided. If the person who brings this rumor to her does it with the love and concern that you intend to bring, it will still feel awful to her, but it might also bring the two of you closer together.


PS: there is often free counseling for survivors of sexual assault check with agencies like z-center (which you can find and follow on facebook) or search "center against sexual assault" and you will find a number of agencies.