Going back to Mr. Wrong, again.

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Question: Why do I keep going back to him? All my friends tell me not to, he lets me down and hurts me time and again. I just did it again and although they are not saying "I told you so." I feel like I let them down and myself. I feel so pathetic. How do I stop this cycle?

Answer: You remind me of that old joke about the gambler was going down to Lefite's Pub to play poker. His friend stopped him and said, "But don't you know that game is fixed?" "Yep," the Gambler responded, "But it's the only game in town."

For you right now, this guy, or guys like him, are the only game in town. You know they cannot give you what you want but you would rather take your chances in a fixed game than not play, because you know there is no chance for victory sitting in the stands.

In order to remove a behavior we must first determine it's function. All behaviors support you in some way and if you pull out a support without seeing what it is holding up the ceiling may come crashing down.

Although you never mention violence in your relationship it has the same patterns as we often see in domestic violence relationships where the average number of times a woman leaves before she is finally through with a guy is 7.

Are these women idiots? Do they like getting hit? Do you like getting let down and feeling disappointed? Of course not! You, and they get sucked in by a honeymoon period. This is called the cycle of violence. The link below is to one of the best visual representations of it I have seen.

http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/air/medbook/07.html

The problem is intermittent reinforcement. The hardest habits to break are the ones that don't get rewarded every time, they are the habits they get rewarded just often enough to keep you hoping. This is why building up a tolerance goes hand in hand with addiction. We become convinced that if we just use a little more, don't give up, keep trying, we will eventually get that feeling we are looking for.

I'm willing to bet there are times when this guy has made you feel great, better than you thought you ever deserved to feel. So when this too good to be true feeling was balanced by him treating you like crap it made sense to you and it hooked you in.

What you will eventually need to learn, probably through counseling, is that it was not "that guy" who gave you that wonderful feeling. You are not craving him, you are craving a feeling that you can get from a lot of different places and without such a high price.

The struggle will be you moving past the idea that if you didn't have to suffer for that feeling it is too good to be true. You are not an idiot. You are someone who has trouble believing that good things are going to happen for you because of your past experiences. As long as you are looking for a high price tag to go along with love you are going to find it. Let go of that notion and you will stop going back for extra helpings of pain.