domestic violence at neighbors?

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Question:  My wife and I live in a building where the walls between apartments are not that thick.  Recently a family moved in next door and they have a kid (maybe 5) and a baby.  From time to time we would hear crying through the walls but we figured, babies cry and little kids cry when they don't get what they want.  We would sometimes hear shouting and once or twice something would pound against the wall.  I wanted to do something but I never saw any bruises on the wife or the kids.  Things never went on for more than a minute or two and it wasn't super loud.  How do I know when to get involved and when it is just a family being a family and having some fights?  

Answer:  If it made you uncomfortable there was something wrong with it.  If your neighbor's smoke alarm was going off or their music was too loud you would get up and go knock on the door.  If you are ever worried about a person do not hesitate to be a good neighbor and offer assistance. 

If there is nothing going on they will more than likely seem sheepish, apologize for the noise or explain what was happening.  If they get highly defensive, back off and make sure you are safe.  If you feel threatened or something just seems fishy report the situation to the police.

Many people are afraid that if they stick their noses into something they will only make it worse for the wife/children who might be in an abusive situation.  It is possible that drawing attention to the situation might make things worse that night or in the short term but ultimately it was going to get worse anyway and at least by investigating you are opening the door to possible relief.  

Sexism, Racism, Hetero-sexism, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, none of these things will ever get better as long as the perpetrators are able to make well meaning people feel more ashamed and uncomfortable than they are.  

We direct our attention to victims/survivors but we really need to direct our energy toward engaging bystanders, good people like you, and encouraging them to take that next step.  Reach out, get to know your neighbor.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be great people.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be weirdo's who borrow your hair dryer and never give it back.  The point is if you think something is wrong and you do nothing then you are complicit in keeping the violence going.  There are no innocent bystanders!  A lost hairdryer or an awkward conversation is a small price to pay for potentially saving a life.

Please take 2 minutes and watch this U-Tube video which expresses the problem better than I ever could. 

POWA Ad

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW30WslahMc

It is up to men to stop domestic violence

This is not a typical blog it is a statement from me and a plea for help.

I am passionate about stopping domestic violence, sexual assault, hate crimes, and all needless violence. Toward this end I work with an organization called Up to Us - Men's Initiative: http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm

We believe that we can do something about these issues if instead of focusing on the concepts we focus on one man at a time, get him to commit to not being violent, and convince him to talk to his friends.

Our group focuses on men because 95% of violent crimes are committed by men and yet most of the work on this issue up to this point has involved women talking to women.

That is important work but it is time for men to step up, and it is exciting because if we do we can stop the abuse from happening.

More than 1 in every 4 women will be involved in a relationship with domestic violence, 1 in 5 will be sexually assaulted, but 1 in 38 men will become a domestic violence abuser. Do the math the same guys are hurting multiple women, and if we can help them to change we can save so many women from violence.

This is not an economic or racial issue, this happens in every community; rich guys do it, police officers do it, "nice guys" hit their wives.

Today I'm asking you to spread the word about groups like Up to Us - Men's Initiative, Men can stop rape, and others. More importantly I'm asking you to have a conversation with the men in your life about this issue. That is all. Let's talk about what everyone is afraid to look at.

Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis said "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Please shine the light on this issue with the people you love and hopefully it will begin to shrivel and die. If we can save just one person, isn't it worth the time and effort?

We believe that these issues are as old and pervasive as civilization itself, but they don't have to be. Slavery was once accepted in every nation on the planet. Now in the places where it exists it is known to be shameful and we are trying to stamp it out of existence. We can get there with domestic violence, but it is UP to US.

Did I raise my son to be angry?

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Question: My teen aged son goes into a rage at least once a week and I'm starting to be afraid of him. His Father has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, but I wonder if the way he acts is more because of my ex-boyfriend who he watched be aggressive and violent toward me for years. My son used to be so sensitive and sweet and now I'm afraid that what I've exposed him to will be violent toward women.

Answer: This is not your fault. Thousands of young boys are exposed to domestic violence and they never become violent toward anyone. No matter what someone has experienced or how overwhelming their emotions are nothing can justify violent and aggressive behavior.

What is true is that young men who are raised in a home where there has been domestic violence are 400% more likely to be aggressive toward women than men who were not. When I went to the 40 hour domestic violence training offered by A Safe Place, (http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/ ) this summer that statistic blew my mind.

In general about 1 in 4 women will experience intimate partner violence at some time in their life but only 1 in 28 men will be perpetrators. What that tells us is the same men are making the rounds and abusing large numbers of women.

No Mother wants their son to be "that guy". No young man grows up wanting to become an abuser, in fact most vow they never will and in the aftermath of violence most abusers are sincere when they claim they regret their actions and vow to never do it again.

At this point what can you do? Explain your fears to your son. Do not accuse him of being a potential abuse perpetrator, just tell him how you love him and you are starting to fear him. Tell him that the way you see it he either can control his anger, or he can't. If he can then he needs to be responsible for his actions and not let his rage control him. If he can't he needs to get into counseling and more than likely on some medication.

99.9% of violent acts could be controlled by the perpetrator (even if they are under the influence of drugs and alcohol) if they had a strong enough fear of the consequence. A great example used in perpetrator training is to ask if there is any circumstance, no matter how high or drunk a person was, if they would eat a dog turd on a bun. The men always say that it would never ever ever happen. Why not? Because even when we are inebriated we know what we are doing.

.01% of the time a person has truly lost control and would act out violently even if there was a gun to their head. This means the person has a mental health disorder and needs treatment (even if they are healthy and normal the vast majority of the time) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the most commonly correlated mental health issue to this problem.

Part of you wants to be at fault for the way your son is acting because then you would know who to blame, and I get the feeling you are used to blaming yourself for things. It is something you are comfortable with even though you hate it. Sorry, it is not his Father's genetics or your love life decisions that are responsible for your son's actions. It is all up to him. As a Mother all you can do at this point is tell him how is actions impact you and the relationship you have with him. I doubt he is happy acting this way and together hopefully you can find him some counseling to get him to move toward a healthy adulthood.

dump the loser

Dear Maigler,

My friend is dating a guy who puts her down and treats her terribly. I know she could do so much better and I want her to get rid of this guy but I’m afraid if I push her too hard she will avoid me and keep him. Ideas?
Dump Theloser

Dear Dump Theloser,

If we want someone to make change we need to meet them where they are. Many women who date one jerk tend to replace him with another when the relationship ends. If you care about your friend you don’t just want her to dump this loser you want her to find a healthy relationship.

People seek people at their same emotional level. This is why two drug addicts who have never met before will find one another at a party, and why time and again domestic violence victims will meet one abuser after another. The behaviors do not have to be the same but the level of emotional health will be equal.

What you must ask your friend is what she is getting out of the relationship. The tricky part is you must ask this with an honest willingness to hear the answer and potentially be convinced that this guy isn’t as awful as you have decided. If you come to her with an open mind she will feel that in your voice tone and be far more likely to open up with you about her fears and concerns about the relationship. If she feels you are trying to pull her away from a relationship she values for some reason you will only cement them closer together.

One of two things will happen: 1.) She may show you something you did not see before which helps you understand why he is worth dating, 2.) her inability to list any convincing reason why she is dating him will say far more than you ever could about why she should break up with him.

Women who tolerate any kind of violence in their relationships, (and yes put downs are most certainly violence!) usually have a self esteem that could use work in some areas and you may want to encourage her to seek counseling. If there is any domestic violence involved encourage her to call the domestic violence hotline or go on their website http://www.ndvh.org/