Am I a rapist?

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Question:  I have been kinda seeing this girl at my school for a couple months.  She made it clear she has a serious boyfriend back home and while she does not mind fooling around she did not want to have sex.  This weekend there was a party at my fraternity and after some drinking and dancing we came up to my room.  I will admit that I let her know how dissapointed I was that she would not sleep with me after we had done just about everything else and she had gotten off.  She asked me if I had a condom and we ended up having sex and I could tell that she was really into it.  I woke in the middle of the night to the sound of her crying and she refused to talk to me about it.  The next morning she left early without saying goodbye.  Now I feel like the worlds biggest asshole.  I know we had both been drinking but she was not drunk and I did not force her to do anything but I still feel awful.  I never wanted to be anyone's regret.  Since she had been drinking does this make me a rapist?  

Answer:  I honestly don't know as I have no way of gauging her state of mind or level of intoxication. I highly doubt you will be prosecuted but it does not sound like that is your primary concern.  

A simple rule of thumb for deciding on whether or not to have sex with a person is if both parties would probably not consent to it if they were stone sober and not aroused, DON'T DO IT.  I know this is a utopian ideal and I have worked with a large number of college students who have never had sex sober, but if your goal is to never again be someone's regret I suggest you stick to this standard.

NO MEANS NO is just a starting point.  So many young men believe if they do not hear NO, or they are able to manipulate or titillate a yes out of their partner then they are all good.  That is a lot of bullshit!  I have worked with victims of sexual abuse who are unable to vocalize anything when they are in a sexual situation.  A young man could easily rape and traumatize such a girl without ever having any idea that something was wrong if he was using the No means No standard.  

Never lay down with anyone that you would not like to wake up with and have breakfast.  If all you are searching for is an orgasm then you are fully capable of finding one of those all by yourself and no one has to feel used or degraded.

It sounds like you need to find this girl as soon as possible and have a conversation with her.  She may never want to see your face again, or more likely, she is blaming herself a lot more than she blames you.  The point is not about assigning blame it is about establishing where you go from here.  Whether or not you wish to pursue a romatic relationship with this girl it seems clear that you care about her feelings.  She needs to know that and be validated that she and her feelings matter, because this weekend you sent a signal that they didn't. 

I'd like to tell you that because you did not intend to harm her that you don't need to feel bad about what you did, but as they old saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."  You are responsible for the results of your actions no matter what your intentions were.  

The best thing you can do right now is take responsibility, and express your regret and her importance.  More importantly do everything in your power to help your fraternity brothers and male friends understand that NO MEANS NO is just a place to start.  They and hundreds of girls will be forever in your debt. 

How do I explain my depression?

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Question:  I can't win.  Every fall I start to get depressed and it happens at other times in the year.  Sometimes I just need to cry or be sad but my boyfriend feels like a failure if I'm not happy.  My parents think I'm just a drama queen because when I'm with my friends or my boyfriend I can be happy and laughing but then when it is time to get out of bed for school sometimes I just can't do it.  My boyfriend wants me to tell him how I"m feeling and I want to be honest with him, but then we fight because I don't want to hear a pep talk, I just want him to be there and love me.  How do I get them all to understand that this is real and I can't help it, but it isn't anybody's fault or job to fix it? Sometimes I just need to cry and be sad for awhile. 

Answer:  Psycho-education for families and friends is the most overlooked part of successful mental health treatment.  As a therapist usually my first job is to get my client to understand what you just said:  This is a disease, it isn't about fault and it isn't about fixing it, it is about learning to manage the symptoms and get on with your life.  This process usually takes me a couple of years so that fact that you are already there is a great sign.

There are four methods I would suggest to get the people you care about to understand what you need and what you don't:  direct conversation, writing them a letter, conversation with a third party, book or movie. 

If you are going to use any of the first three methods your first step is figuring out what you want and planning how you want to go into the conversation/explanation.  The format I suggest is:  1.)  Tell them what you are feeling 2.) identify what you think is triggering that feeling 3.) tell them what you are afraid will happen as a result of the conversation/letter 4.) tell them what you hope will happen next (with concrete examples of what you would like them to do instead of what they have been doing).   

When dealing with men conversations often go off the rails when talking about feelings because the man often wants the feelings to make sense (which feelings are not obliged to do), and/or because he has not been given direct instructions on what he is supposed to DO.  When men do not have an action plan they get nervous, especially if there is a crying woman in the room.  If you give your boyfriend a manual and tell him what his role is in helping you he is likely to be more relaxed and follow instructions. 

I generally suggest writing a letter which you then read aloud or have a trusted friend check for potential land mines that will cause the reader to be defensive.  After you have given the letter and time for the reader to digest follow up with a conversation for clarification. 

Sometimes past arguments and relationships represent a block to communication.  Perhaps your parents cannot take information coming from their daughter seriously.  In these cases if you are working with a therapist it is a great idea to get them involved for a joint session where they help explain what is going on for you.  Sometimes that masters degree will make the same words that you already used sound more real to a parent or boyfriend. 

Finally if you have read a book, seen a movie, or even heard a song which really captures the way you feel, try to expose the person to that media.  Sometimes Hollywood does a much better job than we ever could in explaining the way we are feeling, and while most guys are not rushing out to rent "Girl Interrupted" if you ask your man to watch it with you, he probably will. 

None of these people can know what it feels like inside you, even if they have dealt with depression themselves.  They don't need to know and if they are lucky they will never have to.  They do need to be educated, however, that even if there is no reason for them your feelings are real and they matter.  If they want you to be as healthy as possible they will not question your feelings or make you feel bad for having them, they will just support you in the way that works best for you. 

Boss, Mentor or Friend?

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Question:  I am a manager of a major chain retail store and I take my role as a mentor to my employees very seriously.  One of my employees is a warm charismatic guy but he tends to make terrible impulsive decisions.  He regularly came to me for advice and has probably been more candid than he should have been about his past legal history, drug use, and adventures with women.  As a result when he told me he was dating a co-worker 8 years his junior and asked me what I thought of it, I was honest with him that it seemed kinda creepy to me.  Since this conversation he has been distant, dishonest with me on more than one occasion and I'm worried about him.  I feel like I'm doing a bad job of balancing the roles of manager, mentor, and friend and I don't know what I can do to help him but still remain honest and professional.  Any ideas? 

Answer:  The hardest thing about managing any of these roles is telling people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear.   A worse manager or friend would have given him a big thumbs up and then told the girl to run for the hills.  

To help keep your priorities in order remember that you cannot be a mentor to him or anyone if you lose your job for running the store poorly or allowing employees to conduct themselves in a way that will open the business up to risk or liability.

As long as his jugement is poor but it is limited to his personal life then you should stay out of it unless he invites you in.  In this case he did and he was dissapointed with your response.  That is a risk we all face in any time we ask for advice when we are really just looking for a rubber stamp of approval on our questionable behaviors.

If your employee really has a tendency to make poor impulsive decisions no one can help him until he determines what his passion is.  Many people have a hard time delaying gratification.  How can you get yourself to wait through the bad times if you don't believe any good times are on the way? So to brighten up your life you smoke some weed, do some coke, have unprotected sex...

The problems with these diversions are obvious even to the people who do them but you cannot take a coping skill (even an unhealthy one) away without replacing it with something else. the key is to get him to replace it with something healthy and positive that gives him a good feeling on a very frequent basis.

The best advice for someone who is feeling down and depressed is for him to get active helping others. This can take him out of his self centered and self defeating behaviors. Helping out with animals, feeding people at a homeless shelter, doing anything that helps him to realize many people have it worse than he does, is a good first step.



Ultimately all you can do is offer these suggestions and allow him to take them or leave them.  As a manager you can directly confront the fact that he has been acting differently toward you since your conversation and you can express you concern for him but after that the ball is in his court.  

Do not be surprised if he continues to lie to you and if he steals from your store.  When he lies to you, especially about little stupid stuff that you probably wouldn't even care about, it is probably not you he is lying to as much as himself. In order to tell the truth we must admit it and if he is carrying around a lot of shame then honesty is a tough habit to maintain.

It sounds like you are doing an excellent job in being a caring manager and mentor.  While friendship with the people who work for you is not impossible you may need to take a step back from that if puts your role as a responsible manager in jeopardy. 

What if my son isn't gay

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Question:  My wife and I have three talented wonderful children who we love unconditionally.  Our second child, K, has been noticeably effeminate since at least the age of three, maybe earlier.  It was so obvious in his mannerisms and preferences for girls toys over boys that not only did we assume that he would grow up to be gay but perhaps even have some gender identity issues.   K is now 17 and by his own internal compass he drifted to theater, choir, and he is an amazing performer.  The other day I was lecturing his younger brother, T, about how to properly treat a lady and the way I expect him to conduct himself when dating.  I guess I pushed a little too far and he exploded at me and went on to tell me in graphic detail about all the girls that his older brother was sleeping with in the drama department.  This may sound like an amusing problem to have if you are not in the situation but I felt like my whole world flipped upside down.  T's comments made me realize that I have raised my children very differently, and I wonder if in my haste to be accepting of K no matter who he is, I did him a disservice by not holding him to the same high moral expectations that I have for T and their older sister.  How do I begin to change this?  Since K has never brought up his sexual identity neither have we, if I tell him we assumed he was gay will that be insulting?  Am I a terrible father because it was easier for me to accept a gay son than an effeminate straight one?  

Answer:  Fair is not giving each person the same thing.  Fair is giving each person what they need.  It is time for you to have an honest and frank conversation with K laying everything out on the table and telling him what your expectations are for him as a person with values regardless of his sexual orientation.

Teenagers may be self absorbed but that means they are rarely un-aware of the things that make them different.  Do not be concerned about offending your son by talking about his effeminate mannerisms.  A boy with more testosterone than a rodeo will get accused of being a homosexual by every friend and enemy at least 1000 times a year between the ages of 10 and 25.  If your son has some how gotten to this age without every slur in the book being thrown at him on a daily basis then that miracle will not be undone by your frank and caring discussion.     

There is a very good chance that your son is straight, and the world is going to misjudge him.  Somehow it seems he has found a way to turn that to his advantage.  It is also possible that he is gay, bi-sexual, pan-sexual, trans-gendered, CONFUSED, or several of these things at the same time.  Regardless of his orientation he needs to be sexually responsible because having a child before you are ready to care for one is not a good plan for the budding thespian.  

Your younger son called you out on the way you treated his brother differently.  Don't let your shame send you the total opposite direction and treating them exactly the same if that is not what they need from you.  Now it is your job to ask yourself each time you do treat them differently, "Is there a reason why I'm doing this?  Does the reason make sense?"  If not change it. 

Both your sons and your daughter need certain Dad wisdom, how to do their taxes, change a tire, fart and blame it on the dog.  Much more they need your love.  Sometimes only the people who love us unconditionally can give us the message that we need a good kick in the ass, and that is what you have to be there for as well. 

So love your son enough to find out who he is and who he is becoming.  Love him enough to ground him and punish him if he needs it.  Love him enough to make sure he has a plan to be safe in a world that can be cruel to anyone who is different.  Love him enough to not second guess the last two decades and do the best you can from this point forward, that is all any child can ask. 

Is my son a heartless monster?

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Question:  Recently my husband died unexpectedly.  I have been a mess but my 12 year old son, who was my husband's step son for 7 years, doesn't even seem to be bothered.  At first I thought he was in shock, because the last interaction he had with my husband was a fight about his chores.  Now it has been three weeks and still nothing.  The other day I confronted him and he said, "It's no big deal Mom, it's like when Sadie [our former dog] died, you're sad for awhile but you get over it."  I feel like a failure as a parent.  I cannot believe my son compared my husband to an F$#@ing dog.  Have I raised some sort of heartless monster?  Should I make him go to counseling, is there even any point?  

Answer:  Your first impulse was right, your son is in shock.  He is having the most reasonable reaction he can handle to an unbearable situation.  

The research indicates that when a child your son's age loses a primary care giver it takes 4 to 7 years to move fully through the stages of grief from shock/denial all the way to acceptance.  Accordingly, it should be no surprise that three weeks after the death of such an important figure he has still barely scratched the surface of the first stage.

When any new event happens in our life our brain uses a process called scaffolding to link that event to the closest memory it has access to.  Just because your son compared the loss of your husband to that of the dog does not mean he values their lives equally, it is just the closest link he has in his limited experience on this planet.  

At this stage it is to his advantage to minimize what he acknowledges as the impact of this loss.  90% of the time when I hear a kid say "I don't care."  What they really mean is "I don't want to care."  Caring can hurt me, and if I pretend long enough and loud enough that this doesn't bother me, maybe it won't.  Can we blame him for this wishful thinking?. 

Your son's brain is also conspiring to keep him from feeling at this stage. On a winter day if he stayed out in the cold too long he would not be able to feel his ears.  Just because they were numb it would not mean he was not impacted, but if you asked him if he felt anything he could honestly say that he didn't.  His brain had stopped sending the pain signal because it was ineffective in getting him to change his situation.  Eventually when he comes inside his ears will begin to thaw, and burn, but that is a pain you only have the luxury of feeling if you can get out of the cold.

Right now your son is still out in the cold.  Once again the brain does us the favor of limiting our exposure to the pain until we are in a place that is safe enough for us to begin to handle it.  If your son was able to fully grasp this loss he would probably be unable to get out of bed or bathe himself.  To feel anything means risking touching a bottomless pit of grief and guilt.

I would highly encourage you to exposure your son to some form of therapy, but do not be surprised if he is not ready to talk about his feelings for several years.  At his age art or music therapy tend to be far more effective in allowing boys to express feelings that they do not yet have the emotional equipment to form into words.  I would also encourage you to make sure that you are in some form of counseling to address your own feelings of loss and role model for him that sharing his feelings with a someone is nothing to be ashamed of.     

Get kinky with my husband?

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Question: For years my husband has been nagging/begging me for oral and anal sex.  I guess I think oral is something for teenagers, like hickeys fun when you are young but I'm over it, and anal just sounds gross and painful.  I guess I'm a bit vanilla in the bedroom.  I like sex for the intimacy, and for me that is enough.  Still I want him to be happy and I don't want him to feel shut down or lose interest.  Part of me is considering giving in for a special occasion like his birthday, but then I'm afraid he is going to want it all the time.  Any ideas?  

Answer:   Being miserable and grudgingly offering your body to your husband to use as an object for a night is no gift. You need to change your conception from a choice between love making for you and sex for him to a third path where both of you are truly satisfied. 

Step one is to have open communication.  Married couples rarely honestly discuss their sexual desires and concerns out of fear of rejection or judgement from their partner.  If your husband disclosed that he had a fetish for being surrounded by bobble-head dolls when making love and you though he was a freak, the two of you cannot get away from each other and that knowledge is in your brain forever.

Your husband has already taken a risk by telling you what he wants despite your reaction.  You need to reward that risk, not by giving in to it, but by trying to understand more about how that desire works for him.  Psychology plays a gigantic part in sex for both men and women.

If what he is attracted to about oral and anal sex is a feeling of violating a taboo, or dominance and power, maybe there are other ways you can incorporate those themes into your love making in a way that you are both not just comfortable with but enthusiastic about.  

Enthusiasm is far more important than technique in love making and the overall satisfaction of your partner.  Nothing is a greater turn on that truly feeling desired.

If you can find a turn on for him that he can do with you rather than to you that will be a gift to both of you that will enhance the quality and intimacy of your marriage for the rest of your lives.  

casual sex is healthier than self injury, isn't it?

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Question:  Lately I've been feeling really worthless.  My medication keeps me from feeling depressed like I used to be, but I don't feel right or good.  It makes me want to cut myself, but I don't want to get back into that so I call up some guy and I have sex with him.  That seems to work for awhile but I know it probably isn't healthy, still it is better than cutting myself, right?  

Answer:  That is like asking "would you rather be eaten by sharks or ants?"  Both options stink and  no matter which option you choose you end up dead.  

Any time you drink, eat, jog, cut yourself, have sex, etc... for the purpose of changing/masking/avoiding the way you feel you are doing that activity medicinally.  If it works you run the risk of forming a habit which can easily become an addiction. 

How can we tell the difference between someone who just really likes drinking, or sex, or jogging, and someone who is addicted?  When a person continues to choose those behaviors even when they have started impairing relationships and life functioning (school, job, legal issues, physical health).  A real simple test is if you have lied about how much you do a behavior you are on the road to addiction.  

People who use self injury or disordered eating to manage emotions are highly likely to trade one addictive behavior for another as they seek to abstain from what ever has been identified as "the problem" behavior. 

We often see a triangle with self injury at one point, disordered eating at another, and risk taking behaviors (sex, drugs, anything dangerous) at the third.  To replace the benefit the person was getting from one behavior they shift to another never recognizing that all of these behaviors are designed to shield them from their emotions.

The 12 step model of abstinence finds many people who have traded avoiding their feelings through  substance abuse to avoiding them with the support of relationships and community.  While this is a good start unless they work the 12 steps all the way through and learn to listen to their feelings instead of managing them, they will never be truly healthy.   


 
If I am forced to answer your question, as counter intuitive as it sounds I would have to say that in general self injury is probably safer than casual sex, because there is only one unhealthy person involved, where as casual sex often involves two.  It is still a choice between sharks and ants. 

I have heard many people echo your feelings about medication. Medication does not solve anything it just helps you to see clearly enough to work with the problems that are really there, but if you continue to avoid those problems you will not get healthier. 

There is nothing wrong with drinking, jogging, or sex, if you do them safely and for the purpose of exploring and enjoying your life.  If you want to stop feeling worthless then you need to explore the reasons for why you feel that way, and until you do that you will continue trading one dangerous behavior for another until you die.