Get kinky with my husband?

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Question: For years my husband has been nagging/begging me for oral and anal sex.  I guess I think oral is something for teenagers, like hickeys fun when you are young but I'm over it, and anal just sounds gross and painful.  I guess I'm a bit vanilla in the bedroom.  I like sex for the intimacy, and for me that is enough.  Still I want him to be happy and I don't want him to feel shut down or lose interest.  Part of me is considering giving in for a special occasion like his birthday, but then I'm afraid he is going to want it all the time.  Any ideas?  

Answer:   Being miserable and grudgingly offering your body to your husband to use as an object for a night is no gift. You need to change your conception from a choice between love making for you and sex for him to a third path where both of you are truly satisfied. 

Step one is to have open communication.  Married couples rarely honestly discuss their sexual desires and concerns out of fear of rejection or judgement from their partner.  If your husband disclosed that he had a fetish for being surrounded by bobble-head dolls when making love and you though he was a freak, the two of you cannot get away from each other and that knowledge is in your brain forever.

Your husband has already taken a risk by telling you what he wants despite your reaction.  You need to reward that risk, not by giving in to it, but by trying to understand more about how that desire works for him.  Psychology plays a gigantic part in sex for both men and women.

If what he is attracted to about oral and anal sex is a feeling of violating a taboo, or dominance and power, maybe there are other ways you can incorporate those themes into your love making in a way that you are both not just comfortable with but enthusiastic about.  

Enthusiasm is far more important than technique in love making and the overall satisfaction of your partner.  Nothing is a greater turn on that truly feeling desired.

If you can find a turn on for him that he can do with you rather than to you that will be a gift to both of you that will enhance the quality and intimacy of your marriage for the rest of your lives.  

Does a 3rd divorce mean I'm a failure

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Question: I am currently separated from my husband and although we talk every day it looks like we are headed toward divorce. I feel like such a failure. I was married twice before but there was a long gap between my second marriage and this one and I never thought this would happen. I know the word that comes to mind when I hear someone has been divorced three times, LOSER. Is there any hope for me?

Answer: The difference between winners and losers in life has nothing to do with the number of times a person gets married or divorced. It has everything to do with how we define victory.

My father's cousin stayed in a horrible marriage for 54 years because she thought it was her duty. It wasn't until her children came to her and encouraged her to stop putting up with the abuse that she realized that just staying married was not serving anyone.

There is a strong possibility that some of the attitudes and behaviors that you bring to your marriages, and probably all your relationships have contributed to your divorces. That does not make you a failure if staying married to any of these men would have required you to be unhealthy or suppress your values.

I would suggest you ask yourself what all these men have in common, what the problems in your romantic relationships, and your friendships tend to revolve around, and see if you can find some common themes. If you can you may want to work on those issues in counseling (yes my answer to just about any question includes a recommendation to explore counseling).

Going forward you must ask yourself what you really want out of a romantic relationship. If the man you are dating cannot provide all the things that you want and you are not going to be satisfied, don't marry him. This may seem obvious but many people get caught up in the momentum of a relationship and they get married not because they are a good fit but because they feel that is what they "should" do if they have been dating for a certain amount of time and they don't want to break up.

We live in a society where people get married and divorced at a dizzying rate. Women no longer need to be married to be socially accepted and the pressure to stay in bad marriages is gone. What I find to be truly remarkable is not that 50% of marriages end in divorce but that 50% don't.

There is hope for you if you can find a man who truly fits your expectations as a marriage partner and both of you are honest about those expectations up front. There is success in your future if you can be proud of who you are and what you have done in life regardless of you marital status.

married to a cheater

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Question: My wife and I are separated and I have been trying my hardest to save our marriage. Recently I found out there is another guy. Is there any chance for us? How do marriages survive when someone cheats?

Answer: There is always a chance that any relationship can survive, but there is almost no chance this marriage will ever return to a healthy relationship filled with trust. The question is are you sure you still want it?

Infidelity is extremely common especially among men whose peers support it or who at least feel they will not ostracized in their community if they are caught. Many of these men have compartmentalized sex and love. They love their wife BUT: they have not been having sex in awhile, they don't want to ask their wife to do kinky things, they saw an opportunity they just could not pass up, they didn't think anyone would get hurt.... At the end of the day they rationalize it to say “it was just sex” and often “it will never happen again”

Men cheating is usually a response to external stimuli, paired with an internal ability to rationalize, women cheating is more often a response to an internal feeling and may often be in reaction to the relationship itself.

A woman is in a marriage and is feeling: bored, lonely, isolated, ignored, trapped, powerless, angry, unattractive, scorned... She remembers that when she used to feel this way she was able to change how she was feeling by... cutting her hair short. She tries that, it doesn't work, so she tries finding a new guy to fill her with life and energy. If she is mad at her husband it may have the added benefit pissing him off. It may also be her way of escaping from the relationship by blowing it up.

This does not imply it is the husband's fault for neglecting his wife's needs. She had the option of saying something and if that didn't work she had the option of leaving, she made the choice to deal with her feelings in this way.

The response depends upon your view of marriage. If you see your spouse as a partner for raising children, a travel buddy, and you don't really care who they share their genitals with, infidelity does not represent much of a threat, as long as they do not become too open and socially embarrass you.

We will call this the French position, where men having mistresses is more acceptable than not knowing a proper wine pairing. Your spouse is a partner like a business relationship, you can even be good pals, but sex and intimacy do not need to be a part of your partnership.

If however, your view of marriage is about closeness and intimacy, if you believe your partner is supposed to be your best friend, then your relationship is shattered and it is almost impossible to get that back. The problem is no matter how “legit” the excuse was for one partner cheating, you will never be able to trust that they won't do it again.

The cheater will also be suspicious of you because they will think you want revenge, and maybe you will. Now instead of an environment of love, support and trust the marriage has the feeling of a spy novel.

The hard part is when you still love the person. They f@#$%@ up and you get hurt and lose your marriage and your friendship. That sucks! What makes it even harder is wonderful people do really crappy things. So if you want to fix it and work at it you are not crazy and you are not stupid, but know it is going to be a long hard road and you need to seek marriage counseling to even have a chance.

Also know there is someone out there for you who would never be selfish enough to risk losing your love.