Get kinky with my husband?

(reading this blog is entertaining, following this blog is a public service, because it may bring help and entertainment to others.  Have a question, e-mail me and I'll answer it.)

Question: For years my husband has been nagging/begging me for oral and anal sex.  I guess I think oral is something for teenagers, like hickeys fun when you are young but I'm over it, and anal just sounds gross and painful.  I guess I'm a bit vanilla in the bedroom.  I like sex for the intimacy, and for me that is enough.  Still I want him to be happy and I don't want him to feel shut down or lose interest.  Part of me is considering giving in for a special occasion like his birthday, but then I'm afraid he is going to want it all the time.  Any ideas?  

Answer:   Being miserable and grudgingly offering your body to your husband to use as an object for a night is no gift. You need to change your conception from a choice between love making for you and sex for him to a third path where both of you are truly satisfied. 

Step one is to have open communication.  Married couples rarely honestly discuss their sexual desires and concerns out of fear of rejection or judgement from their partner.  If your husband disclosed that he had a fetish for being surrounded by bobble-head dolls when making love and you though he was a freak, the two of you cannot get away from each other and that knowledge is in your brain forever.

Your husband has already taken a risk by telling you what he wants despite your reaction.  You need to reward that risk, not by giving in to it, but by trying to understand more about how that desire works for him.  Psychology plays a gigantic part in sex for both men and women.

If what he is attracted to about oral and anal sex is a feeling of violating a taboo, or dominance and power, maybe there are other ways you can incorporate those themes into your love making in a way that you are both not just comfortable with but enthusiastic about.  

Enthusiasm is far more important than technique in love making and the overall satisfaction of your partner.  Nothing is a greater turn on that truly feeling desired.

If you can find a turn on for him that he can do with you rather than to you that will be a gift to both of you that will enhance the quality and intimacy of your marriage for the rest of your lives.