Is my son a heartless monster?

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Question:  Recently my husband died unexpectedly.  I have been a mess but my 12 year old son, who was my husband's step son for 7 years, doesn't even seem to be bothered.  At first I thought he was in shock, because the last interaction he had with my husband was a fight about his chores.  Now it has been three weeks and still nothing.  The other day I confronted him and he said, "It's no big deal Mom, it's like when Sadie [our former dog] died, you're sad for awhile but you get over it."  I feel like a failure as a parent.  I cannot believe my son compared my husband to an F$#@ing dog.  Have I raised some sort of heartless monster?  Should I make him go to counseling, is there even any point?  

Answer:  Your first impulse was right, your son is in shock.  He is having the most reasonable reaction he can handle to an unbearable situation.  

The research indicates that when a child your son's age loses a primary care giver it takes 4 to 7 years to move fully through the stages of grief from shock/denial all the way to acceptance.  Accordingly, it should be no surprise that three weeks after the death of such an important figure he has still barely scratched the surface of the first stage.

When any new event happens in our life our brain uses a process called scaffolding to link that event to the closest memory it has access to.  Just because your son compared the loss of your husband to that of the dog does not mean he values their lives equally, it is just the closest link he has in his limited experience on this planet.  

At this stage it is to his advantage to minimize what he acknowledges as the impact of this loss.  90% of the time when I hear a kid say "I don't care."  What they really mean is "I don't want to care."  Caring can hurt me, and if I pretend long enough and loud enough that this doesn't bother me, maybe it won't.  Can we blame him for this wishful thinking?. 

Your son's brain is also conspiring to keep him from feeling at this stage. On a winter day if he stayed out in the cold too long he would not be able to feel his ears.  Just because they were numb it would not mean he was not impacted, but if you asked him if he felt anything he could honestly say that he didn't.  His brain had stopped sending the pain signal because it was ineffective in getting him to change his situation.  Eventually when he comes inside his ears will begin to thaw, and burn, but that is a pain you only have the luxury of feeling if you can get out of the cold.

Right now your son is still out in the cold.  Once again the brain does us the favor of limiting our exposure to the pain until we are in a place that is safe enough for us to begin to handle it.  If your son was able to fully grasp this loss he would probably be unable to get out of bed or bathe himself.  To feel anything means risking touching a bottomless pit of grief and guilt.

I would highly encourage you to exposure your son to some form of therapy, but do not be surprised if he is not ready to talk about his feelings for several years.  At his age art or music therapy tend to be far more effective in allowing boys to express feelings that they do not yet have the emotional equipment to form into words.  I would also encourage you to make sure that you are in some form of counseling to address your own feelings of loss and role model for him that sharing his feelings with a someone is nothing to be ashamed of.     

Grieving friend- what do I say?

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Question: My friend was dating this guy and the day before Valentines Day he got murdered. What the hell am I supposed to say to her? I can't stand watching this person I care about in so much pain. I have no idea what she is going through so I don't know where to begin.

Answer: Show up, Shut up, and be available. The good news is there is nothing you can say right now that will fix things so there is no pressure to try and find the perfect words.

Part of the problem is the way you are viewing her grief. You mentioned your discomfort and watching her pain. Imagine if a doctor who needed to remove an appendix could not bear to inflict pain by cutting someone. Her suffering is terrible to see as it comes out, but how much worse would it be for her if it was kept in?

To take things a step further if you could take her pain away by making her forget this person that she cared about do you think she would want you to? Of course not. Nor, even if you could keep the positive memories and remove just this grief would she allow you to. Her pain is a memorial to this person who she cared for, to not feel it would seem to her like a betrayal to his memory.

All feelings have a function and grief is no exception to this rule. The pain of grief reminds of the value of people and attachments. So often we grieve not just for the loss of a person but the loss of their potential, what they could have accomplished, the memories we could have created with them. Grief gives urgency to our own lives and experiences and without the threat of loss we would just day dream through this world.

What if grief gets to be too much? It will, and when it does denial will step in, bargaining will step in, the body will turn her into an emotionless lump for a few hours, or she will suddenly be acting normal. This is the process, and there is nothing you need to do about it.

The real challenge, particularly in a murder, will not be in the first few days and weeks, but months from now when others have moved on with life and faded away. She will be ambushed by emotions as conversations, songs, movies, trigger her memories of him. Murders take the longest time to heal from because of the unfairness of the way the person died, and the corresponding anger that goes along with it.

What you can do in the short term is just spend time with her. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk, or if she just wants someone to go for a drive or watch tv with.

In the slightly longer term program some dates into your phone to make sure you check in with her on a random Wednesday night. Don't be afraid to bring up this loss and how she is feeling about it. While you may ruin her evening by bringing it to her attention you will also give her an avenue to let some feelings out that she might have felt too awkward to bring up.

In the long term Valentines Day may always be ruined for her, but you can help somewhat by at least in the first year or two checking in with her a few days before the anniversary to see if she wants to memorialize it in some way.

Give your friend your time and let her tell you what she needs from you, never be afraid to reach out because even a clumsy gesture is better than leaving a friend in isolation.

how do I tell my kids Grandpa died?

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Question: I have kids ranging from 5-17. Their Grandpa just died and I don't know what to say to them. Any suggestions?


Answer: Before we begin any project, or conversation we must ask ourselves two questions: What do I want? and What am I afraid of?


First you must ask yourself how you are hoping they will feel and understand after you are done talking with them. Usually with the death of a grandparent we are hoping our children will understand what has happened and will feel sad but supported and connected with the family.


We are often afraid that the way we reveal this information will be traumatizing to them, that they will withdraw, or in the case of the 5 year old, that they will not understand and will ask a number of questions we do not know how to answer. We may also be concerned that they will end up having nightmares or fears about death.


In order to both get what you want and avoid what you are afraid of you must anticipate their questions and be ready to answer them honestly. You must know what YOU believe happens after death and be ready to frame that in terms that are as positive as possible.


Children take their cues on whether or not they should be scared of something by watching their adult models. Unfortunately many adults are terrified to even think about death, or as Irvin Yalom terms it "stare into the sun."


People tend to face death and heal from it far more quickly if there are traditions and routines surrounding death that make it feel like it is part of a predictable process. Sitting your children down and explaining that Grandpa died, this is how I am feeling, and this is what is going to happen, makes them feel like things are under control.


Younger children will often begin to fear that their parents, or they themselves will die. It is good to reassure them before hand that this is very unlikely to happen for all the logical reasons you can think of. DO NOT LIE and assure them that you will not die because you are too young. You cannot promise this and it can make things complicated should a young person die in your life later on.

Let them know that death does not happen because God is mad, or people are bad. Remember that when you are 5 you really cannot process major abstract concepts and so they will seek to relate everything to what they can understand, everything being about them.


Religious beliefs often help people to process that there is a purpose to life and death so if you have these beliefs this is an important time to share them with your children. If you are filled with existential angst now is a time for framing the positives of what you do know, not sharing your dread.


One explanation that I have found useful is to talk of death as going to ones 4th life. I say, "The first parts of you entered life as two pieces, one from mommy and one from daddy, but they were both you and that was your first life. When those pieces found each other they became one and your first life ended and your second life began in your mommy's tummy. You lived there for 10 months and her tummy was your whole world, you don't remember but when the time came to leave it you were very scared. Your second life ended and you were born into your third life, and I bet you are glad you are here right? You had to spend time getting ready in your mommy's tummy so you would have all the things you needed in this world, although at the time you didn't know what your fingers and toes or even your mouth was for. Grandpa has been born now into his fourth life. We don't know what it will be like, but when I think about how much better this life is than being living in some body's tummy, I think it could be pretty amazing. Still we can't go to early because we wouldn't be ready. So we live in this life and we love one another and when we are ready we let go of this life and we go on to what is next. "


No matter what you say, communicate that death is not to be feared, but it is still okay to feel the loss of the person in your life and make time to talk about feelings and remember that person regularly as a family. The grieving process may take years, and that is okay, but the more you model allowing your feelings to come and sharing those feelings the faster you and your children will move to true acceptance.

Mending a broken heart

Dear Maigler: My boyfriend and I “took a break” about 3 weeks ago. All my friends told me it was over and I should just move on. He told me he loved me and still wanted to marry me someday but he needed time to work things out. Three days ago he told me we are over for good. I feel like I’m dying now. For a year this guy was my boyfriend and my best friend and now it is all gone. I don’t think I can take this. How long is this pain going to last? Am I a moron for still hoping he is going to come back?

Completely Broken

Dear Completely,

It saddens me to think of the pain you are in. I do not know how you feel, but I know how I felt when my was broken and it sucks. How long will this pain last? Way too long.

Last summer I broke my leg. I had broken bones before and I thought, “no biggie, 6 weeks and I’ll be playing lacrosse again.” I was wrong. Each break is different. The pain from this one kept me up at night, required icing for weeks and it was five months before I could really run again. I still wear a brace sometimes. You have to give it time.

While your wound is mending you can do things to help heal properly. The end of any serious relationship is a loss and we need to grieve for our losses. When we think of grief we think of death, but many times grieving for the end of relationships is much harder and more complicated. Why? Because when someone dies we must move on. We do not see them at the supermarket, social events, etc…

Any book on grief and loss will tell you that there are stages of grieving. They will differ on the number of stages and the order they come in but I like to focus on four main ones. Denial/Bargaining, Depression, Anger and eventually Acceptance.

Right now it sounds like you are still in the denial/bargaining stage. You are not a moron for hoping that you will get back together with someone you loved, you would be bizarre if you didn’t hope for that. What makes this process so difficult is you just might get it.

We must make time for each of the stages and our feelings. If we don’t, if we try to just walk it off, and pretend that we are fine then those repressed feelings will find a way to come out in your other relationships. You might snap at relatives, friends, co-workers, clients. You might smell your ex’s favorite meal and be overwhelmed with sadness months or even years after you were sure you had “moved on”.

At the same time we cannot wallow in our misery. We must strike a balance between giving our feelings the time they need and continuing to function. I suggest you try and fill your days and evenings with distractions like time with friends, watching movies, playing with puppies, gardening… Undirected time alone with just you and your brain will be painful. Schedule yourself an hour to 90 minutes of an evening to just lose yourself in your feelings. Schedule something before and after this period so you are not allowed to get sucked in to your feelings for too long. DO NOT schedule this time directly before trying to go to sleep. Getting sleep is important, getting rest is critical. The last thing on your mind before you try to sleep/rest should be something positive.

If you have not noticed a change in the amount of emotional pain you are in after two weeks have gone by consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist. You will have some pain for months but it should gradually reduce and day by day your life will become more normal until, believe it or not , you are ready to love again.