Grieving friend- what do I say?

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Question: My friend was dating this guy and the day before Valentines Day he got murdered. What the hell am I supposed to say to her? I can't stand watching this person I care about in so much pain. I have no idea what she is going through so I don't know where to begin.

Answer: Show up, Shut up, and be available. The good news is there is nothing you can say right now that will fix things so there is no pressure to try and find the perfect words.

Part of the problem is the way you are viewing her grief. You mentioned your discomfort and watching her pain. Imagine if a doctor who needed to remove an appendix could not bear to inflict pain by cutting someone. Her suffering is terrible to see as it comes out, but how much worse would it be for her if it was kept in?

To take things a step further if you could take her pain away by making her forget this person that she cared about do you think she would want you to? Of course not. Nor, even if you could keep the positive memories and remove just this grief would she allow you to. Her pain is a memorial to this person who she cared for, to not feel it would seem to her like a betrayal to his memory.

All feelings have a function and grief is no exception to this rule. The pain of grief reminds of the value of people and attachments. So often we grieve not just for the loss of a person but the loss of their potential, what they could have accomplished, the memories we could have created with them. Grief gives urgency to our own lives and experiences and without the threat of loss we would just day dream through this world.

What if grief gets to be too much? It will, and when it does denial will step in, bargaining will step in, the body will turn her into an emotionless lump for a few hours, or she will suddenly be acting normal. This is the process, and there is nothing you need to do about it.

The real challenge, particularly in a murder, will not be in the first few days and weeks, but months from now when others have moved on with life and faded away. She will be ambushed by emotions as conversations, songs, movies, trigger her memories of him. Murders take the longest time to heal from because of the unfairness of the way the person died, and the corresponding anger that goes along with it.

What you can do in the short term is just spend time with her. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk, or if she just wants someone to go for a drive or watch tv with.

In the slightly longer term program some dates into your phone to make sure you check in with her on a random Wednesday night. Don't be afraid to bring up this loss and how she is feeling about it. While you may ruin her evening by bringing it to her attention you will also give her an avenue to let some feelings out that she might have felt too awkward to bring up.

In the long term Valentines Day may always be ruined for her, but you can help somewhat by at least in the first year or two checking in with her a few days before the anniversary to see if she wants to memorialize it in some way.

Give your friend your time and let her tell you what she needs from you, never be afraid to reach out because even a clumsy gesture is better than leaving a friend in isolation.