Stuck in the Middle

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Question: My Mother and sister had a big argument about 6 months ago and haven't talked since. In that time my Mother has gone from an enthusiastic social drinker to a solitary daily drinker and when I confront her about it she tells me that I need to get my sister to come back into her life. How did I get stuck in the middle and how do I fix this?

Answer: The answer to your first question is that you bothered to ask the second? Unless you are some kind of Jedi master and can lift things with your mind, you cannot fix or change anyone but yourself.

Your Mother is probably quite honestly upset about the relationship, but she is the one who is choosing to do something destructive instead of something productive with her feelings.

I have heard enabling described as having the problems and feelings of others take up too big a portion of focus and energy while your own problems and feelings take up too small a portion. Every time you have acted as a bridge between your Mother and your Sister, you have been enabling them to continue in their dysfunctional relationship toward each other.

We all train people in how to treat us based on our responses to their actions. If you want to stop being in the middle then stop participating.

That does not mean you need to simply ignore your Mother's drinking or her sadness and tell her that she made her bed and she needs to lie in it. You can: offer her suggestions of how she can do something about it. You can: tell her how watching her drink and decline in her health effects her relationship with YOU. You can: offer her love and support and listen to her until it reaches a point where it becomes toxic for you to be around.

You cannot: fix this. You cannot: make the situation better by enabling her. You cannot: make her healthier by taking emotional responsibility for a situation you did not create.

Remember to never lend out anything you can't afford to be without. No matter how much you love your Mom or your Sister if you give them more energy than you can afford you will not be able to deal with the problems of your own life and you will end up resenting them both.

Love is not giving a person what they want it is giving them what they need. It sounds like you want to give your Mother a hug and a shoulder when what she might need is a kick in the ass.