how do I tell my kids Grandpa died?

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Question: I have kids ranging from 5-17. Their Grandpa just died and I don't know what to say to them. Any suggestions?


Answer: Before we begin any project, or conversation we must ask ourselves two questions: What do I want? and What am I afraid of?


First you must ask yourself how you are hoping they will feel and understand after you are done talking with them. Usually with the death of a grandparent we are hoping our children will understand what has happened and will feel sad but supported and connected with the family.


We are often afraid that the way we reveal this information will be traumatizing to them, that they will withdraw, or in the case of the 5 year old, that they will not understand and will ask a number of questions we do not know how to answer. We may also be concerned that they will end up having nightmares or fears about death.


In order to both get what you want and avoid what you are afraid of you must anticipate their questions and be ready to answer them honestly. You must know what YOU believe happens after death and be ready to frame that in terms that are as positive as possible.


Children take their cues on whether or not they should be scared of something by watching their adult models. Unfortunately many adults are terrified to even think about death, or as Irvin Yalom terms it "stare into the sun."


People tend to face death and heal from it far more quickly if there are traditions and routines surrounding death that make it feel like it is part of a predictable process. Sitting your children down and explaining that Grandpa died, this is how I am feeling, and this is what is going to happen, makes them feel like things are under control.


Younger children will often begin to fear that their parents, or they themselves will die. It is good to reassure them before hand that this is very unlikely to happen for all the logical reasons you can think of. DO NOT LIE and assure them that you will not die because you are too young. You cannot promise this and it can make things complicated should a young person die in your life later on.

Let them know that death does not happen because God is mad, or people are bad. Remember that when you are 5 you really cannot process major abstract concepts and so they will seek to relate everything to what they can understand, everything being about them.


Religious beliefs often help people to process that there is a purpose to life and death so if you have these beliefs this is an important time to share them with your children. If you are filled with existential angst now is a time for framing the positives of what you do know, not sharing your dread.


One explanation that I have found useful is to talk of death as going to ones 4th life. I say, "The first parts of you entered life as two pieces, one from mommy and one from daddy, but they were both you and that was your first life. When those pieces found each other they became one and your first life ended and your second life began in your mommy's tummy. You lived there for 10 months and her tummy was your whole world, you don't remember but when the time came to leave it you were very scared. Your second life ended and you were born into your third life, and I bet you are glad you are here right? You had to spend time getting ready in your mommy's tummy so you would have all the things you needed in this world, although at the time you didn't know what your fingers and toes or even your mouth was for. Grandpa has been born now into his fourth life. We don't know what it will be like, but when I think about how much better this life is than being living in some body's tummy, I think it could be pretty amazing. Still we can't go to early because we wouldn't be ready. So we live in this life and we love one another and when we are ready we let go of this life and we go on to what is next. "


No matter what you say, communicate that death is not to be feared, but it is still okay to feel the loss of the person in your life and make time to talk about feelings and remember that person regularly as a family. The grieving process may take years, and that is okay, but the more you model allowing your feelings to come and sharing those feelings the faster you and your children will move to true acceptance.

why can't life be fair?

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Question: Why is life so unfair. A friend of the family, a beautiful person, is dying of cancer. She doesn't deserve this. What is the point of life if bad things keep happening to good people.

Answer: I always tell my clients that fair died with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, horrible crash, very sad. As long as we pine for fairness it allows us to play the role of victim. Injustice has happened to me and I want restitution! Tough. Life does not work that way and the faster we accept that the faster we move on toward getting the best life we can have.

Some people misunderstand fair to begin with. They think fair is everyone getting the same deal. That isn't fair, because everyone doesn't want or need the same thing. This is one of the big reasons why Communism didn't work, it was kinda fair (in theory), but it sucked for everyone.

Even if you understand fair to mean each person gets what they need or what they deserve it takes a 30 second glance at any newspaper to see, this life isn't anything close to fair. They could rename the continent of Africa as Unfair-land, because I don't know who there is getting a fair deal.

We teach children the concept of fair because it puts them on the path to be best human beings can become. Think about a time when you acted fairly, and you didn't have to. That was when you were truly at your best, but it was far from normal. It was beautiful, it is what we should all strive to become, but it is not the natural order of things.

So we should still teach our children to strive for fairness, equality, decency, kindness, justice and everything else that word represents, but we should stop hoping it will be as solid and constant as gravity.


Instead let us realize that life is so much better because it is not fair. If life were fair then you would spend all your days trapped trying to earn the gifts of your birth. You were born in America with no death squads around so poof you can never have a puppy, that would be fair.


We live in a world without fair, without limits. Because life isn't fair it is up to you to go and get what you want and you can fill your life with as much joy or sorrow as you can carry. The scales never have to balance. Don't wish for life to be fair, wish for it to be full. It sounds like the friend of the family's life was more full than most people's. She got less years but she got more life. Maybe life is kinda fair after all.