Joe Maddon and the cure for depression

When Charles Schultz died without ever having Charlie Brown kick that football it felt.... right.  When you grow up as a Cub fan and a Catholic in a city where winter challenges your will to live every single year you are conditioned to not just accept but to embrace your suffering.  You are taught that "Yes, the universe is trying to destroy you, and the pain and the failure will never relent until you die, but you can offer that suffering to God and this will not only purify you, it will sanctify you."  What Cubs fan could not relate to Charlie Brown, forever trying to kick the football and forever failing?

I had absorbed into my identity the sincere belief that before the Cubs won the world series I would die or major league baseball would just end due to lack of interest or a major global catastrophe like a meteor strike or alien attack.   I am not joking when I say that I am far more mentally prepared for the zombie apocalypse than I am for this reality where the Cubs just won the World Series.  That being said just like Charlie Brown every year the Cubs had even a sniff of making the playoffs I ran full speed pulled back my leg and whiffed.  I was at game 7 in 2003 and watching the Marlin's celebrate on the field at Wrigley tore something in me.  Still with Dusty, with Lou I ran and I kicked and I fell and it felt...right.  

Every day I work with people who are struggling with depression.  People who balance on the knife's edge of whether or not they should kill themselves.  Most of them can look at their lives and point to a great deal of evidence that the universe hates them.  They have been abused, molested, betrayed by their families or their bodies, they have known a sticky corrosive pain that eats away at your soul and your will that we call depression.  Many of them have beaten it back once or twice but they face each day in the knowledge that it may return.

This weekend a former client, who should probably be in a hospital, texted me "They say people like  Robin Williams lost his battle, but maybe he won it."  Her words stab through me like an icicle from my navel through my heart.  I can't lose her.  I can't lose any of them, and there are so many.

My response to her, to them, is a broken record.  Endure and better days will come.  Life will be hard and it will be painful but it will also be wonderful and worth it.  Ignore what your experience has told you is true and look to the examples I show you of people like you who have pushed back the darkness and live now in the light.

But they hold up the Judas's of Robin and Ned Vizzini.  Before you think me harsh for using that label allow me to explain that I see Judas as figure who is tragic not evil.  Even if I had known these men were going to go I would have loved them and held them to the last as Christ did.  Still I feel betrayed by them because they were my allies in combating depression and in providing hope.  Ned's book It's Kind of a Funny Story, and so many of Robin's characters, particularly Sean Maguire from Good Will Hunting were tools I went to regularly and shaped my work and my life.

So there I sat last night next to my wife, when I wasn't shifting position to try to get just the right amount of luck to keep Baez from swinging at warm up pitches from the bull pen.  My sister and I texting back and forth pessimistic jibes designed to keep our hope from growing too large, tensing our collective muscles for the whiff  as Lucy pulls away with a smile.

And then hell froze over.  It HAPPENED.  I was smiling with tears in my eyes, my neighborhood erupted in fireworks, never mind that it was midnight, we were glowing, we were in numbed awe.  Internally the earth buckled and the temple curtain split, reality came crashing down.  I stumbled into the kitchen and made my son's lunch for today and drifted back and forth to the TV not knowing what to do with myself.

A reporter asked Joe Maddon how he kept the focus on this year in spite of 108 years of history of failure.  What I absorbed of his response seemed to me the key to combating depression.  I will paraphrase: I respect the past and tradition but there is no place for superstition and curses.  This is now.

Joe Maddon built a team that did not run from their past but would not be defined by it.  Unlike most baseball people he spit the superstition out of his club house the way he spit it out of his mouth, with disdain.  What I heard in his words was a belief that the universe does not hate you, the universe does not care one way or the other.  If you are failing to kick the football stop deciding that is your fate and get a different fucking holder!

I understand why a person would choose to build a universe that hates them, because as much as it sucks at least it is predictable.  Perhaps the only thing worse than swinging and missing is being surprised that you missed.  If we can convince ourselves that we will always suffer then we will never be ambushed.  But we will also never win.

The Cubs did not fail to win for 108 years because they were cursed, they failed because until recently only two teams from the national league even made the playoffs and most teams had better organizations with more invested ownership.  The weight of the years did become a self fulfilling prophecy that impacted players and managers and that seemed true even last night but the players destiny was always in their own hands.

Depression is real but if we can go forward each day and "Try not to suck" we can transcend the identity we have created.  Cubs fans are happy to let go of the moral superiority that came from being the longest suffering.  A decade from now when the Cubs are just another team will we have lost something?  I hope so.  I hope we will stop finding silver linings and preparing ourselves to endure the torment of life.  I hope the legacy of this Cubs team, and what I will bring to my clients from this experience is EXPECT TO WIN.  Trying not to suck, is to stop protecting yourself from failure by preparing for it, because it still sucks.

Sean Maguire described the Carlton Fisk home run as a pivotal moment in his life that he sacrificed for love.  Baseball is not just entertainment in the background of our lives, who we choose to be fans of, particularly in a city that has two teams, is a declaration of our values and who we choose to be.  White Sox fans have been the down trodden bitter grinders who stick their thumb in the eye of the universe and will tell you that sunshine and joy are for the soft.  Cubs fans have been the pathetic half way optimists, but both groups have been united in a Stark clan knowledge that "Winter is Coming."

If Robin Williams were here I think he would have asked us all to look to Sean's example more than his own.  To buy that "winning lottery ticket" but more importantly to heal from our pain and go back out and embrace life.

Thank you Joe Maddon for delivering an entire nation of fans from the tyranny of a superstitious universe.  This morning everything is different, any future is possible, and this is no going back.  Try not to suck.

Tell my abusers wife?

Q: when I was 10 and my cousin was 13 he molested me.  It only happened once and we didn't see them very often so I never said anything, but it definitely happened.  Recently I found out he is going to have a kid and I'm worried that if I don't say something he could do this to someone else, but if I do say something I could ruin his marriage.  Or my whole family could accuse me of lying and I could end up causing a lot of drama for no reason.

A:  continued silence is not an option.  This is not because you have to protect the world from your cousin, that is honestly beyond your control.  It is because you owe it to yourself to confront this issue and not be shamed and trapped by it when you did northing wrong.  

No matter what you do from this point it is likely to be painful for you and at least somewhat disappointing in the outcome so it is important that you have a therapist or close friend who knows everything supporting you through the process.

In a perfect world you contact him and say, "this happened and it caused me a lot of pain.  I need to know it is never going to happen to anyone else and that you are working through what ever caused you to do this in the first place (there is a significant chance that he too was abused at some point prior to molesting you).  

He would then acknowledge what he did, ask for forgiveness, get into counseling and tell his wife about his life experience.

That could happen, it is not as crazy impossible as it sounds because he may be carrying a lot of pain about this too.  BUT the more likely scenario is that he falls short of that ideal.  Most likely he will simply deny.  

You need to be prepared for that and ask yourself if you are willing to contact his wife if he won't.  I think there are significant cons to using the threat of telling his wife to force him into therapy.  You will never know if he is really attending or what is being shared there so if you have any doubt that he is facing his actions honestly letting his wife know what happened so she can make her own decisions is a path you will likely have to take.  

She is very likely to deny and be angry with you.  People tend to shoot the messenger.  This is a man that she loves and they are about to take on the biggest challenge of their lives together so do not expect her to thank you.   At the same time if you were in her position I think you would want to know.

Hopefully this was one confused act of an early adolescent.  There are probably hundreds of thousands of this kind of abuse perpetrated every year that are never reported so our statistics tend to suggest that perpetrators tend to be continual abusers buy my hunch is those are just the ones we catch.  Regardless, we can't take a chance and you do not need this on your mind anymore.  In order to be free of this you must confront and probably report on.  

When do I come out to my roommate?

Q:  I'm about to start my freshman year in college and I'm trying to decide if I want to tell my roommate I'm gay before I go.  I'm only recently out to a few people around home and that was weird and awkward.  Based on our texts he seems like a pretty chill person and I think he will be fine with it but I'm afraid that if I tell him this one aspect of my personality will end up defining how everyone thinks of me.  I will be his "gay roommate" instead of just his roommate who likes dubstep or who hates birds.  I'm still kind of figuring out who I am and I don't want to be pushed to just go be friends with the queer kids because I happen to be attracted to guys.  I have always, ironically, been kind of sketched out by the openly gay kids I have met and I just don't want him to think that is who I am before he can get to know me for me.  On the other hand if I don't tell him now, when...?  

A:  Do it now.  Coming out is an extremely daunting prospect at any time.  Leaving home for college and creating a new identity is, while in a very different way, also overwhelming.  I wish I could advise you to take your time and do things at your own pace.  In many ways who you are attracted to is no one's business but yours so why should getting a new roommate put a time table on disclosure?  Unfortunately our society is very hetero-sexist.  Even non-prejudiced people, including many queer people like yourself, approach the world as if everyone they meet is straight, that is just their default setting.

If you do not tell your roommate that you are not straight he is going to assume that you are.  Very quickly this is going to put you in a position where you have to come out,  lie to him, or be the most vague person he has ever encountered and he will either think you are hiding something (which you will be) or that you have been kicked in the head by a horse.

Since young men tend to bond over talking about girls and the sex acts they would like to engage in with them, and since terms of affection among men tend to be slurs for homosexuals I would wager a year's salary that you would not go 24 hours without having to react to one of these two situations.

So lets say you pretend to be straight, you have a great deal of experience with that.  People will get to know you as the dubstep loving, bird hating wonderful guy that you are.  But a huge part of you will remain hidden from view.  Even if by Halloween you are ready to come out and even if your roommate is the most understanding and logical guy in the world, he will still feel like you were lying to him.

We also have to recognize that he might not be the most understanding guy in the world.  Many young heterosexual men have a paranoia about gay men, that they are just waiting for them to unzip at a urinal before they can strike and sink their gay fangs into them or some other horrible thing that while they cannot quite visualize they sense it is terrifying.  Very often that fear can lead to violence.  Or even if it is just ostracizing or a change in the relationship from warm to cool, that can be an experience that is toxic to you every day.

I remember talking with a gay man who stayed in the closet all through college.  He talked about the anger of one of his friends when he finally came out.  His friend said that it felt like he had just taken a mask off and said he was an alien.  The two had often gone out to clubs chasing girls together and many of their shared experiences involved double dates.  The friend did not care that he was gay, he cared that he had been lied to for years and now he realized he really didn't know who one of his best friends was.  

By telling your roommate now if he really is uncomfortable with it he has time to find a new roommate.  If he is mildly uncomfortable with it at least he knows what he is getting in to and you will not have to hide who you are.  It is ok to tell him that you are figuring out who you are and you do not want it to be a big deal but you also don't want him to be shocked later.  You can use humor to defuse any potential tension and help him to realize that just like not every girl is his type there is a pretty good chance that even if he were gay (and lets not be so heterosexist to totally assume that he isn't) it doesn't mean you would be interested.

You are right, this is only one aspect of who you are, but your feelings about music, pizza, the state of the middle east, and the people you are attracted to are not things you should have to hide.  They are nothing to be ashamed of.  If you don't treat your sexual orientation that way then he probably won't either and the friends you make at school are going to get more time to know the real you.

Dad's depressed, how much do I visit?

Q:  I am supposed to spend a week at my Mom's and a week at my Dad's but in the summer things get fuzzy and I find it really hard to go over to my Dad's.  He has been out of work for about 9 months and he just sits around moping or complaining to me about my Mom or how I don't spend enough time with him.  I feel terrible for him but I'm only 16 and I'm not sure what I can really do for him.  Am I a terrible person for not spending more time with him and avoiding him?

A:  It is the job of the parent to care for the child, not the job of the child to care for the parent.  No matter how good a daughter or son you are at the end of your days God is not going to reward you with another chance to relive your childhood because you sacrificed it caring for him.  The debt that you owe is to your own future children, to survive high school and and to have as much healthy normal teen aged fun along the way so that you are not resentful when it it time for you to make them your first priority.

That is not to say that you should ignore your Father or the custody arrangement that your parents have set up.  Just remember that your father is dealing with a serious mental health issue and until he gets help for that no matter how much energy you steal from your own life and pour on his it is not going to be enough.

You could try writing him a letter and leaving it at his house laying out how you feel and your hope that he will seek help to improve his functioning and your relationship.  While a move like this is always scary as we fear the defensive reaction that is likely to result, how much worse could that be than the current state of things.

Other things to try are to try to catch him doing something good.  So often we can list all the negative things a person has done but we fail to catch them in their good moments and really reinforce those.  In the times when you do have a good interaction with your Dad be sure to mention what you liked about dinner or that trip for ice cream.

You absolutely have the right to call him out when he makes comments about your mother by simply saying, "Dad I want to have a good relationship with you but when you bring Mom up it makes it hard to be around you.  Let's talk about..."

If you have siblings and they are being similarly impacted sometimes writing a joint letter or even staging an intervention if he is not getting help for his depression can make a greater impact as you show a united front.

At the end of the day whether a parent has a mental health disorder, an addiction, or just an unfortunate personality you give to them what you hope your own child will give to you some day.  While your parents are major figures in your life there are other people (including yourself) who need your energy and you cannot give away all your reserves and still be healthy.

When dealing with people who are truly draining, (sometimes we refer to these people as toxic as just being exposed to them can make us unhealthy) for every hour you spend with them you need to spend 3 hours with people who fill you.  Do that and you will keep things in a healthy balance.

what if they just drink? friendship and sobriety

(like the blog?  follow it on this site or on facebook.  posts are kinda random lately so it is the best way to get the blogs when they are fresh.  Have a question?  e-mail me and I will answer and perhaps post it)

Question:  I just got out of a drug rehab center and they made me make a list of my sober friends.  I realized that I didn't have any.  I do have a few friends who don't use any drugs they just drink, and I know they would try to keep me clean because they helped to push me to do the rehab in the first place.  Is it okay if I hang out with my friends who drink because if I don't hang out with them I will literally be alone every weekend and I don't think I can handle that for my senior year of high school.  To be honest drinking was also one  of the problems that got me into rehab but it is the drugs that scared me and my parents and I think if I can stay away from them I will be ok.  

Answer:  30% of people who go through a rehab program maintain sobriety.  That is an amazingly positive number because staying clean is incredibly hard.  The top threat to a person like you, who has gone through a program and who really wants to stay clean is the slippery slope of rationalization.  

Every young person I have ever worked with in the arena of addictions wants to believe that eventually they will be able to truly master the issue and they will be a normal person again who can drink/smoke/gamble/etc.. in moderation without the issue taking over their life.  I have never met anyone who was able to pull it off.  I'm not saying it is impossible, I am saying you shouldn't plan on being the  exception to the rule.

Realistically I don't think you are going to avoid all of your friends who drink and use drugs, but if you are serious about maintaining your sobriety you must avoid them while they are using.  If they are your real friends they will participate in sober activities that they can do with you.

Your primary enemy is boredom.  You need to fill your time, particularly your weekend nights, with activities you cannot do while using, ex.) working, babysitting, church groups, AA, family time, going to see movies...

What you cannot do is be the designated driver for your friends!  You need one year sober before you can sign on for that job and even then you are playing with fire.

Many people will surround themselves with friends who are also in recovery.  This is also a very dangerous strategy unless those friends all have over a year clean.  A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link and often when a bunch of teens in recovery bond, when one slips into relapse the others follow.

Dating someone who is in recovery is also very challenging.  We all want to be surrounded by people who can really understand us, and who could understand better than someone who is going through the same things.  The problem is when the other baggage of life which led to their substance abuse issue threatens to overwhelm them are you going to be strong enough to prop them up without falling yourself?

At the end of the day you are going to test what I say and you are going to continue to spend time with your friends if you are a normal teen.  My strongest advice is get a sponsor and talk to your sponsor every day.  If you lose your sponsor (they are abducted by aliens, or they move to Guam, whatever) get a new one with in 10 days or you will relapse.

Working the program is important, working with a therapist is important, going to AA and avoiding people who will not support your sobriety are important things, but nothing is more important than having a sponsor who you can really trust and you can call 24/7/365.

I wish you luck and just remember.  30% of people make it!  When you think about how much change sobriety requires it always shocks me that anyone makes it.  You can be one of the 30% and I hope you are.

Internet love? Be Wary

(Sorry friends it has been a very long time since I posted.  My son is too wonderful to pull myself away from when he is awake and when he is asleep I get lazy.  I will do better.)

Question:  I am on the tail end of relationship that isn’t going anywhere and so I began exploring online dating sites.  I met a man on a Christian site and we have been trading emails for a couple of months.  He lives one state away from me, which is annoying but not impossible.  Recently we have been talking about plans to meet.  I am little concerned though because he has already told me that he is in love with me and has sent me flowers.  I am flattered by his emails but am I wrong to think this is too much too fast? 

Answer:  You are wise to be wary.  Anyone who professes their love for someone they have never met in person should arouse suspicion.  In the best case scenario he is a hopeless romantic and is in love with the idea of being in love.  In the worst case scenario this is some sort of scam artist who might try to take advantage of you. 

This is not to say that internet dating is not a wonderful thing.  For centuries people were limited in who they could date by their geography.  The internet has opened up the opportunity for people to find partners who really share their interests and might be a great fit than anyone who they could have naturally encountered throughout the course of their day.

I think that any person who does not regularly find themselves in an environment where they are encountering dozens of attractive available people (so virtually everyone who is beyond college age), should consider creating a profile on an internet site if they are not finding what they are looking for in dating. 

That being said, never trust that anyone is who they claim to be online.  It is not until you have seen a person interacting with their friends, family, co-workers, waiters at restaurants, etc… that you have any idea who that person is. 

Hopefully you would do a bit of research before you selected a new doctor or a contractor to do a repair on your home.  Bring the same level of diligence before you invite someone into your life.  If this person lives far away try and check out their profile online and try to find a way to interact with some of their other friends, even if it is only in a virtual way.

If you are enjoying this connection and he is coming on a little too strong but you don’t want to push him away be direct.  You might try saying, “It feels great to read those words but I find it to be a bit overwhelming.  If you are interested in this going forward, and I hope you are, I need you to tone it down a little until we know each other a little better.” 

If he can’t tone it down then this is a person who you need to avoid.  He lacks social skills and empathy and that will not get better over time.  If he can bring himself to a level you are comfortable with I would still recommend connecting with someone else he knows before you meet in person. 

Keep safety in mind for a first meeting.  Let others know where you are going and how to reach you.  If possible meet in a setting where some of your friends can be there as well, like a concert.  Any person who refuses to meet with you in a public place and who refuses to let you communicate with their friends should send up some big red flags.

In this millennium there is no excuse for not going out and finding the person who can make you happy.  There is a fit out there for everyone and it has never been easier to search.  Just search safely using common sense and feedback from people you trust. 

where are the black male therapists?

(readers, I'm sorry I have not posted recently.  5 month old Ryan is sleeping right now so we will see if I can finish a blog before he wakes).  

Question:  My boyfriend and I have been growing apart and when we examined why he told me he feels the race thing is overwhelming him.  I'm white and he is black and while we love each other and our kids get along great, he is tired of the people staring at us when we are in public and the constant reminders of subtle racism exhaust him.  He is willing to go into couples counseling with me to try to overcome this issue but we cannot seem to find a black male therapist.  We are willing to try with someone else if we have to but I know if he doesn't feel like the therapist can really understand where he is coming from it is not going to work.  Any ideas?  

Answer:  Finding a therapist your boyfriend feels comfortable with is absolutely crucial, and while it might take a great deal of effort to find that person do not stop searching until you do. 

The fact is there are thousands of therapists who are skilled in couples counseling and who are culturally competent enough to help bring you and your boyfriend some clarity about the future of your relationship.

Just because a therapist does not share the experience of the client does not mean they cannot help.  I regularly work with clients who have been sexually assaulted, grew up in a divorced house hold, immigrated from another country, or who have had a day with really bad menstrual cramps.  I have never had to deal with any of these problems in my own life, and yet I seem to be able to help.

That being said, I never try to force it.  If a female student comes into my office and states they would rather work with a female I refer them right away.  It doesn't hurt my feelings, I just want them to start off with someone who will make them feel comfortable.

The experience of being judged and discriminated against based on the color of your skin is destructive in a way that can scarcely be comprehended by those who have not experienced it.  In addition, the experience of an African American male in our society is very different than that of an African American woman, so I can see why he would feel that any one not in that group would have difficulty understanding his level of discomfort in the relationship.  Since the race issue is central to the presenting problem, if you do not find someone who your boyfriend feels really gets it, therapy will be a waste of time.

The field of therapy is dominated by white females.  In my grad school cohort of over 100 social workers I was one of two hetero-sexual white males.  There were several African American men in my program but none of them were going into clinical social work.  The few African American male therapists I have met in my career have been in very high demand, but they are out there.

I would suggest utilizing websites like helppro.com, and if you are in an area with some universities contacting some of the clinical faculty and asking them for referrals.  The longer a person has been in the profession the more likely it is that they will have a contact and any good therapist is happy to help you find a good fit even if it isn't going to help them profit in anyway.

Another place to look is the spiritual community.  Many churches offer some pastoral counseling and if there is a church in your community that you believe would be supportive of your relationship and they have African American male ministers you may inquire to see if they provide counseling.  The added bonus is churches will often provide counseling as a free service.  

Once you have gathered some recommendations of effective therapists see if your boyfriend can do a phone interview with them to find out if he feels like it will be a good fit.  After a couple phone calls he may discover that finding a person who has a sense of humor that matches his is more important than finding someone who matches his race and gender.

Can't keep up with college

(Forgive me loyal readers, I always intend to blog but my 3 month old leaves little time or energy for writing.  I promise I will try to be more consistent in the future.   Have a question?  Email me and I will answer.)


I just transferred into a new university and absolutely love it.  One problem though is I set some goals too high and it kills me a little bit when I can't reach them.  Before coming in I expected great grades, playing time in my sport, pledging a fraternity and a significant increase in my romantic life.  Since being here I've struggled with grades even though I study a lot, I had to fight hard to get a spot on the team, the pledge process is wearing me out, and haven't had much luck with the ladies.  Is there a strategy I can take to not set my standards so high so I don't build up the stress of not achieving what I can't do all the time?


The problem is not having high standards it is with viewing failure as a bad thing.  I was once asked the question "what would you do if you weren't afraid?"  What if you did not have to fear failing out of school, not getting PT on the team, not getting a position in the fraternity, getting rejected by women.  How much lighter would you feel if all of these things were still possible but if they happened they would not make you question yourself anymore?  

The goal for you is to begin to view failure as feedback.  For example when lifting weights we are often told to continue going until our muscles give out.  This tells us when we have reached our maximum.  In your case you are putting too much on your plate and setting unrealistic standards of achievement.  Then when your time gives out instead of using that information to lighten your load, you blame yourself.  Not fair, not smart.  

Accept that you are only a normal human with 24 hours in your day.  Try listing all the things you wish to do and then rank the items from most to least important.  Then you have to budget your time according to those priorities.  When you "fail" at a task ask yourself "how can I learn from this, how can I 'Fail Forward' and turn this experience into something I want to remember instead of something I feel ashamed of.  

With regard to your sport, instead of measuring your success by how much playing time you got or how well you played ask yourself how alive you felt every time you stepped on the field.  Did you allow yourself in each run that you got to be fully present and in the moment or did you think about trying to impress your coaches and teammates?  Define success as mindfulness, (being fully present in the moment) and you will play much better and enjoy the game more. 

With your fraternity stop focusing on getting a position and instead focus on creating memories.  Whether you stay in that fraternity for two more weeks or two more years the reason to join it is to enhance your college experience not to build your resume.  Every experience in pledge-ship both bad and good (and I had way more bad that good when I was a pledge) is hopefully going to be a memory that you will cherish.  

With class don't worry about your GPA, just try to get as mentally involved as you can in each class that you attend and in each project that you do.  Most of us spent college just jumping through hoops and trying to get grades and if any learning occurred it was a happy accident.  That attitude was a huge waste of my tuition money.  If you are fully present in class when you are in class whether you get a D or an A in the class it won't matter because you will have learned.  Your college GPA will not get you a good job your internships will and if you don't do any internships before you graduate you are really wasting your time.  

With regard to women, if your goal is just to hook up with as many girls as possible that is a great way to get a disease and a lot of regret.  If you want to meet the kind of girl that would be relationship material try becoming a curious conversationalist.  Strike up conversations with any person that seems interesting, regardless of whether or not you have any romantic interest in them.  When the people you are talking to realize that you have interest in them as a person and not just as a potential notch in your bed stand they will tend to have a more positive response and they may end up introducing you to your perfect match.  Or they may just be the other end of a single conversation you will never forget. 

Do you see the theme here?  You are putting so much pressure on yourself because you are surviving your life right now rather than living it.  I have a big sign in my office that says "BE HERE NOW"  to remind me to take a breath and savor the moments.  When we savor our life we may not have as much time for everything but we get far more out of each thing we do.   We stop seeing our activities in terms of success and failure and rather in terms of memories we wish to repeat and memories we wish to learn from.  No failure in that equation.  

gave ex full custody, am I a bad Mom?

(This blog has not been as frequent as it should be as I just had my first child a month ago and moved into a new home 3 weeks ago.  No more excuses, if you write me questions I will answer and post, your job is to follow.)

Question:  After four years of marriage my husband and I divorced and I granted him full custody of our son.  There were a number of issues in our marriage, one of them being I think my husband was using me so he could present a better candidate to adoption agencies.  My husband did all the work to set up the adoption and he is an extremely loving father.  It may sound terrible but while I do love my son I do not feel as connected to him as I think I would be if he was my biological child.  After the divorce I moved to a neighboring state and while I have visitation every other weekend it didn't make sense for me to fight my ex for custody.  I felt like I was doing what was best for my son and I felt no need to use him as leverage to punish my ex.  When I tell people my ex husband has custody that look at me as if I must be a terrible mother or a meth addict.  How do I get people, particularly my son as he gets older, to understand that it's because I love my son that I left him with his Father.  

Answer:  The only opinion that matters is that of your son.  Adopted children are particularly sensitive to feelings of abandonment, as long as you go out of your way to call and remain in his life even when you do not have visitation things there should be fine.  

In society at large there is a bias that children should be with their mothers no matter what.  I know many fathers who have stayed in a loveless marriage because they were petrified that they would lose contact with their children.  You are not being paranoid if you assume that people are pre-judging you when they hear you do not have custody of your child.  People are also pre-judging you when they find out you are divorced, if you have had a home foreclosed on, lost a job, are a white sox fan...

So when you go into a situation with a person who is new in your life and an awkward topic comes up how do you prove you are not a child abuser or meth addict?  Answer:  act like a normal person.

In previous posts of may have discussed the Tabloid Effect.  When we are in the supermarket we all notice the tabloids which claim outrageous, and sometimes true, things about celebrities.  If I see a headline that says, "Angelina Jolie Eats Babies!"  and I like Angelina Jolie I will think, "that's crazy talk".  If I hate Angelina Jolie I will think "I knew that bitch was eating babies."  and if I have never heard of Angelina Jolie I will think "Hmmm guess I wouldn't leave my kids at her house".

No matter what I thought when I read the headline if I were ever to meet Angelina Jolie I would weigh my experience with her much more heavily than any rumors that I had previously heard about.

If you believe that your son is better off with your ex-husband then he is, and you made the right decision.  Never let society scare you out of doing the right thing, especially for your child, just because it isn't the norm. People will pre-judge you when you do something that is not typical but if you have the power to move past that pre-judgement very quickly so do not let it slow you down from meeting people and letting them know your story.

As I said before the most important thing is that you tell your son over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over how much you love him and that you want to maintain a place in his life.  In so doing you can help him to realize that he is not destined to be abandoned and that even when people leave that doesn't mean relationships have to end.

Failed out, now what?!

(Lately I post very irregularly so you are going to want to follow the blog, on this site or on face book so you make sure you don't miss a posting)

Question:  Freshman year did not go so hot and my college has stated I cannot return next year.  My parents and I agree that I should take a year off from school.  I want to take the rest of my life off and just go ski and coach, which are the only two things that really make me happy.  I live in the mid-west and the flatness and the weather here really depress me.  I just don't feel like school is for me, but I know it isn't practical to try to be a ski bum the rest of my life.  The very idea though of trying to return to a campus and study stuff I don't care about makes me feel overwhelmed and trapped.  I don't know where to go from here.  

Answer:  It sounds like you do know what you want, you are just asking for permission to do something you and your parents think is impractical.  Let me tell you what I think is impractical, spending four years and 160,000 on a business degree so you can pray to get a job that you don't really want and maybe save up enough money to go skiing 20 days a year (by the time you are 30).

When I was 22 a man asked me what I really wanted to do.  I told him I wanted to travel around and put on presentations about male socialization and violence.  He asked, "Why don't you?"  I thought no one would take me seriously.  I thought I needed a masters degree.  I still gave it a shot but I didn't go after it very hard because I didn't believe I was "qualified".

12 years later I have two masters degrees and the knowledge that no one is going to take me seriously because of those.  Now I do those presentations but I'm not as good at them as I would have been back then because I'm out of practice.

The best education in life IS LIFE.  If you have a dream job find someone who is actually doing it and offer to work for them for free for as many hours as you can possibly spare.  Someone is getting paid to do something that you would pay to do.  I talk to people and coach lacrosse for a living.  Both are things I would pay to do.  If you are passionate about what you do and there is a market for your service you can make a living.

The purpose of college is a sorting machine where the really rich and the really bright meet and partner up as friends, romantically, and for business.  You don't need college for that, you can skip that step and go meet the people who are already where you want to be and form relationships.  College is a great life experience but it is not essential unless you want to go into certain fields which require a special license or certification. 

Dan Miller, author of the book 48 days to the work you love hosts a free pod cast that you can download from itunes or from his website http://www.48days.net/ which gives people advice about how to pursue their dream using practical steps that you can show to your parents.  Use this year to meet people and soak up experience and you will find you get a lot more useful knowledge out of that than any college could have given you. 

When you are the one who has "failed out" it feels like you are all alone and everybody else has their stuff together.  Most of your peers are just going through the motions of going to college because that is what everyone expected.   Many of them will hit their identity crisis in 3 years as graduation looms and they still have no idea what they really want to do with their lives.

Your mission now is to fail forward.  This experience is an opportunity if you can learn from it and use that information to make a quality plan for your future.  When you are feeling overwhelmed take smaller bites and chew, we don't swallow life a year at a time we do it day by day. 

 

Can sex at 13 be consensual?

(I'm sorry I didn't have time to blog in May.  Keep the questions coming and I promise I will answer even if they don't make the blog).  

Question:  When I was 13 I had a crush on a 21 year old guy and he raped me.  Years later I ran into him and he said "You know you wanted it."  When I told my therapist about it she said, that even if I had wanted it (which I didn't) it still would have been rape.  It took me a long time, but I know that bastard raped me, but I don't know if I believe that a 13 year old can't have consensual sex. I think when I was 13 if I had been with a loving guy who had been patient and kind I could have had beautiful consensual sex, even if the guy had been older.  Is that possible? 

Answer:  No, it is not possible for a 13 year old to have consensual sex with anyone, even the nicest kindest person on the planet, even if he was 12, because consent implies having a real understanding about what you are agreeing to, and no 13 year old is mentally and emotionally prepared for sex, even if they have been having it for years. 

I want to be clear that I am not even talking about the legal issues.  Legally a 13 year old having sex is seven kinds of wrong, but I don't think most people make their sexual decisions about what the law says, I think/hope they decide based on a morality that is far stronger than law.

There have been millions of examples of 13 year olds having sex throughout history who did not feel violated and who have had no regret about the experience.  There have also been examples of 13 year olds fighting in wars and working in coal mines and successfully doing all kinds of things that they were really not ready for. 

If we asked 13 year olds if they wanted to and fight in Afghanistan and we made it seem as glamorous and adult as our media makes sex seem you wouldn't be able to sign them up fast enough.  I would have signed up at 13 and no matter how many gory war documentaries you made me watch I still would have wanted to go.  Does that mean I would have been able to consent?  No, because no matter how many hours I played Call of Duty, I still just don't get it. 

13 year old boys and girls will continue having sex, and in certain cultures it will be supported by adults.  In other countries and cultures this may not be considered illegal or immoral but it will never be the most healthy thing for that individual's development. 

In this country, however, no matter how much that boy or girl "wants it" and sometimes they really really do, we must do everything in our power to help them to wait.  Just as we would ask them to wait before driving, going to college, or fighting in a war.  Some of them could handle it and be fine, but when something goes wrong and we still have so much growing to do a trauma can stunt growth permanently. 

When someone more than two years older than a teen wants to connect intimately with them they are betraying signs that something is emotionally malformed within them.  Healthy adults are repelled by the idea of sex with someone who is not fully formed.  Unfortunately many younger teens, especially girls, find these emotionally stunted predators attractive because they feel like they have something in common with them.  They do, both people are not fully formed, but the teen still has a chance to grow, and the predator, is unlikely to ever grow into a healthy person. 

What if my boyfriend is addicted to porn?

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Question:  My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and lately it seems I am always the one who has to initiate sex or any kind cuddling or intimacy.  He is not the type to cheat, but over the years we have had several arguments about porn and although he swore he would stop using it, when I checked the Internet search history it was obvious he had been using it A LOT.   My friends tell me that most guys check out porn, but I feel like a 24 year old guy should still have enough energy left for his girlfriend.  To be honest I hate that he uses it at all, I feel like I should be enough for him, then when we are together and he doesn't stay "excited" I feel like a failure.  What am I supposed to do?  I've already asked him to stop using porn and he lied to me.  I love him but I feel like I'm in a fight I can't win.  Should I insist he go into counseling or I break up with him?  Help!

Answer:  I'm not sure if he is an addict but your boyfriend certainly has a porn problem.  A person has a problem with any issue (drinking, drugs, gambling, self injury, sex) when they persist in a behavior even after it has caused problems in their life functioning and/or relationships.  

Whether or not he is addicted getting rid of the porn is not going to fix your relationship because the real problem is communication, and until that is fixed neither of you are getting your sexual or intimacy needs met. 

I'm guessing that your boyfriend discovered porn long before the two of you met and it filled niche for him in his life.  It was a readily available, low cost/consequence way to find sexual release.  When you guys began to connect the excitement of the relationship was probably enough to gratify him, or maybe he continued using porn in conjunction with your relationship.  Regardless, most people in a new relationship are hesitant to share their sexual fantasies for fear of being rejected.  

Somewhere along the way you discovered his use of porn and you broadcast a message loud and clear that you were not okay with it.  An unintended consequence of this was that you probably caused him to feel shame and this led him to close off communication about his sexual needs and desires.   

Now the question becomes how can your boyfriend win?  If he has a desire for something outside the pattern of love making that you have developed he cannot express it without risking rejection.  If he seeks out porn for release he is lying to you and betraying you.  As the relationship continues the increased pressure he feels sounds like it is leading to some erectile dysfunction and the shame spiral just gets worse. 

As an added complication, some men who are porn/masturbation addicted can have a very hard time ejaculating without the familiar pressure that only they know how to provide. As much as vagina/mouth/anus of a partner might be infinitely more desirable to them in concept in real life the body may only respond to what it has grown accustomed to. 

The fix for this is simple.  Get curious.  You need to approach your boyfriend and in an open and non-judgemental way and explore with him what he was getting from the porn.  As long as it does not involve something illegal or immoral perhaps there is a way you can share some of his turn ons and stop having to view porn as a competitor.  Your boyfriend will probably be suspicious that this is some kind of trap and will be hesitant to share so it is likely you will have to provide him with some of your hidden desires first until he can really trust that it is okay to share.

Although most porn is sexist, misogynistic, insipid and of low quality, you might be able to find some movies that are not pornographic but still provide enough sexual tension to excite both of you.

One way to help take away the pressure on sex is to set a goal up front of making love without penetration.  There are a million ways to get each other off and if the activity involves sharing and connection then that is what making love is really all about.  People have sex with each other every day without any connection being shared, and that kind of mutual masturbation using each other's bodies is not likely to bring contentment back to your relationship. 

If after you try these things you feel that your boyfriend's use of porn is still a competitor and something that is getting in the way of the two of you feeling connection and intimacy, then don't give him an ultimatum, talk to him about it.  If he is willing to seek help support that, if he isn't it may be time for you to move on, but do not attempt to force him into anything as he has already shown that would just lead to lying and more mistrust. 

Ultimately your intimacy will be only as good as your communication.  Until you can establish that either of you can ask for anything (doesn't mean you will get it) without being judged there will be a barrier between you.  Seek to break down that barrier to communication and you may find that a lot of pleasant nights lay ahead. 

people treat me like I'm a joke

(sorry it's been awhile, but if you write a question I will post a response, eventually... please sign up to follow on this site or on facebook) 

Question: lately I feel like everybody takes me as a joke and never seriously.  My friends constantly make fun of me to the point where I don't wanna talk to them. If I ask my parents for help they either say suck it up or tell me something no where near relevant to what I need help with. If I ask anybody at my college to hang out they look at me like a weirdo even though we get along perfectly fine in class. I try to help other people out as much as I can to gain respect but I feel whatever pops out of my mouth nobody will listen, take seriously or just laugh at including teachers. It comes to the point where I hate people and don't feel like going out much. How can I get people to take me seriously?

Answer:  People will take you seriously in direct proportion to your own confidence.  When you feel a lack of confidence it is common to have that dream where you are in a fight with someone and you land punches but your hands are as light as feathers and they do nothing.  It sounds like that is how you are feeling right now.

It sounds like you are suffering from anhedonia, a common symptom of depression where you cease to enjoy things that you once really enjoyed.  Based on the amount of stress you seem to be suffering from it would not be surprising if you were feeling some clinical depression and you may benefit from medication and most certainly from more counseling.  I would encourage you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to get evaluated for medication and try to find a therapist you can relate to. 

Your situation is disturbingly common right now.  I was just talking with a friend this morning about how we feel for people your age, job prospects stink and the existential angst that people tend to feel in their early 20's and mid 40's is falling on the back drop of a world which does not seem to be offering a lot of hope right now.  It will get better, but right now you need some support. 

You have to remind yourself that you do have something to offer.  I'm not into aura's and crystals and a lot of new age healing, but I do feel like people can sense confidence and desperation in others.  When someone is sneezing and coughing all over themselves we move away from them because we have a natural instinct to avoid illness.  When people are emotionally unhealthy and are feeling crappy others tend to avoid them as well so right when you need connection most it is the hardest to find and hold on to. 

You have to start doing something that fills you up and makes you feel good about you.  I would suggest volunteer work with disabled kids.  No one can leave doing that without feeling great about their lives and the parents and kids really appreciate the time you put in.

If you ask a person in your class if they want to help volunteer at an event like this they just think you are altruistic and nice and even if they don't want to attend they don't think you are a creeper.  You will meet people at these events and this may lead to other social outlets.

I would also try to get a job at a restaurant, even busing tables at a tgi fridays, is a good place to meet other young people.  You work with them on Friday and Saturday nights and so even if you don't go out after you feel like you did something and there are a lot of people in their early to late 20's who work in restaurants.  You just need to be careful to avoid the drug scene in a lot of restaurants. 

The other thing is you have to develop a plan for your future that you really like.  This is often the hardest thing to do when you are feeling down.  It doesn't matter so much what the career is but imagine all the other parts of your life. Do you want to live in the city or the suburbs?  In Chicago or in the mountains?  Everytime you meet an adult imagine yourself trying on their life and steal pieces of each life that you like until you have a vision of what you want for your future from the kind of marriage and dog you will own, to the way you will organize your garage.

The first step to achieving success is defining it in concrete terms that you can work toward.  It is always up to you to change your vision of success if you want to but having a destination in mind helps keep you motivated when life around you sucks.

What does it mean to be a man? A message to my family.

There is no question for this one, just me on my soap box. 

I am part of a coalition called Up 2 Us that strives to get men more involved in standing up against domestic violence and sexual assault.  Our mission is to get men to see these not as women's problems but as human problems that impact all of us. 

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=204132927681&ref=ts

http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm

We give presentations where we try to accomplish 3 things.  1.) get people to question what they have learned about what it means to be a man and create a new definition for themselves that they really believe in.  2.) become an ally to those who step outside the box of typical man hood by refusing to participate in mocking them and by openly supporting them.  3.) interrupt violence be it physical or verbal (jokes, comments, harassment) when ever it is safe to do so.  

Because of my involvement with Up 2 Us I have been asked to participate in a documentary intended for students about to start college.  I thought I would point out to my audience that most guys would be willing to fight a room full of rapists if they were told one of those guys might hurt a woman they loved.  If however, those same guys were to asked to have a conversation with 10 of their male friends and relatives about rape and about manhood, none of them would do it. 

Sounds crazy.  One should be so much easier than the other.  Why is it so hard for us to talk to the men in our lives when we know that the only real way to protect the women we love is to make a change in the men who surround them.  The sad fact is most rapes are not committed by strangers.  Men we like, our buddies, can assault someone and claim they didn't know any better, they were drunk, or some other lame excuse.  

But before I could get too frustrated with any one else I asked, "why haven't I done it."  I have two nephews in college and three that will be there soon.  Johnny, Joey, Brendan, Kevin, Brian this post is for you.  I want to talk to you about what it means to be a man, and what it doesn't mean. 

Being a man, being a Maigler, is about hard work, taking care of your responsibilities, being dependable, and putting the needs of others ahead of yourself.   If you can do those things you are a man in my eyes and I'm proud to have you share my name.

Being a man has nothing to do with sex, or fighting, or how much food you can eat or booze you can drink. Being a man is not about proving anything to anyone but yourself.  You do not need to control a woman, you do not need to always be right, you can let yourself be disrespected and not fight that guy if he isn't worth your time (and none of them are). 

I love you boys and I want to protect you from the mistakes that I have made.  I never want any woman to regret that she met you.  I know that feeling and what I've done to earn it, and if I can spare you from it I want to.  I want you to realize that sex without intimacy is nothing more than mutual masturbation and you are better off without it. 

As I look above at my definition of a man I realize that any woman I admire could live those words too.  I think maybe we should worry less about earning the title of manhood and worry more about becoming a responsible adult and a decent human being and the rest will take care of itself.

I hope to talk to you boys more about these things in person.  I will ask everyone sees this blog to do the same.  Ask yourself what kind of men you want the boys in your life to grow up to be, what kind of men you want the girls in your life to be surrounded by.  Then have a conversation with those boys and girls about it so maybe, just maybe, you can save them from the pain of regret that life has taught us all so bitterly. 

More violence is done out of ignorance than malice.  We can chase that ignorance from this earth if we acknowledge that it is Up 2 Us. 

Eating Disorders program for my son?

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Question:  Last week my son informed his therapist that he has an eating disorder and he thinks he needs to go into a treatment program.  My husband and I were shocked, my son is thin but he is a runner and he looks normal compared to most of the boys.  We want to get our son the best care possible but we have had difficulty even getting calls back from some of the local eating disorders programs, and they all seem to be geared for girls.  Should we be looking for a specialized program for boys and men?  Is this the kind of thing where he is going to need to leave school for a month or can he be treated a couple times a week with a therapist?  We just don't know where to start.   

Answer:  The ideal treatment program does not exist.  It does not matter what issue you are dealing with, from eating disorders to anxiety to addiction, since every person has such individual circumstances, strengths, and symptoms there will never be a perfect fit.  I would love to tell you about a great program for boys and men with eating issues, and there are probably a couple but if they are out of state or a zillion dollars you may be better off focusing on factors other than gender in finding the right fit for your son.  

So start by doing your homework on the web and try to find someone in the field to talk to who does not have a financial interest in which program you pick.  National Eating Disorders is a non-profit that can provide resources (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/).  Another track is to call an nationally renown program like McCallum Place in Missouri (http://www.mccallumplace.com/) and ask them if they have any recommendations for your area.

After you have a rank list of the local programs contact your insurance company and see what they cover.  While it might sound cold to pick a treatment option based on what insurance will pay for, eating disorders, like any addiction, often take more than one stint in treatment to crack.  If you go bankrupt, which can honestly happen, you won't be able to provide your son with any treatment and his condition may worsen if he feels like he is causing a great deal of financial stress to the family.  Often insurance companies want to make sure you have tried some less intensive interventions first, like out patient therapy with an eating disorders specialist, before they are willing to pop for a 30-60 day stay in a treatment facility.

To be frank insurance companies HATE eating disorders because they represent a huge financial drain which can last for decades.  This has led them to create barriers to paying for treatment which have led to the closure of a number of programs and reduction in staff at others.  You may not be getting a phone call or an e-mail back right away for some of these reasons but if you don't get a good feeling when you actually do talk to someone try to go on to the next program.  Families really need to partner with treatment providers to make sure that any gains can be sustained when a person leaves treatment. 

Some factors that impact the severity and course of treatment for an eating disorder are the amount of time the person has had the eating disorder, how much of the persons time and thought is devoted to food and eating, how much shame and guilt is associated with food.

There is a difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating.  Disordered eating are the behaviors that a person with an eating disorder might display (restricting, binging, purging, hyper exercise after eating...) without the emotional obsession with food.  A person with an eating disorder may still obsess about everything they put in their mouth even during periods where they have no disordered eating behaviors.

A large percentage of people with eating disorders may also have another issue that needs treatment and may shift between negative coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions.  We often see a triangle with Eating disorders at one point, self injury at another, and risk taking behaviors (ex.) drugs and alcohol, unprotected sex, shoplifting, unsafe driving...) at the third.  People may shift from one point to another as they try to convince themselves that they don't have a problem.

The key to treatment for eating disorders is to find another way to get the emotional relief that the disordered eating behaviors have provided in the past.  Eating disorders are the hardest addiction to successfully treat because the abstinence model is impossible.  You can stop drinking, gambling, self injuring, etc... but you cannot stop eating and not eating. 

Treatment programs will first work to develop healthier coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions and then go back and find out how the eating developed so if there is an old trauma that needs healing it can be dealt with instead of just covered over by new and better coping skills.

It is hard to say what your son will need without more information but I can tell you that his prognosis is excellent just because he has stated he is willing to get help. 

Your son is likely to get well no matter which treatment program he goes to if he really wants to move on.  All the programs work if the clients work with the program.  Be prepared that he may have issues with food for the rest of his life but he is fully capable of moving on to a life that is so full of good things that eating issues seem like a thing of the distant past.

Can I be gay for just one person?

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Question:  About 18 months ago my friend and I hooked up when we were drunk.  I have always been straight and while I might have kissed another girl at a party to raise an eyebrow and I've always been huge into cuddling with female friends when watching movies or hanging out, there was never anything sexual about it, at least for me.  For the next year my friend and I would hook up on and off, but it was like I had this wall in my mind that this wasn't me, and it was just a game for both of us while we waited to find Mr. Right.  I know it doesn't sound like it from this question but I am a deeply religious person and my church believes homosexuality is a choice and a sin, so I've felt a lot of guilt about the whole thing.  Over the last couple months something has really changed for me.  I'm still attracted to guys and I've never been sexually attracted to another girl, but now I don't want anyone else... God I'm having a hard time even writing this but I think I'm in love with her.  Does this mean I've been lying to myself my whole life?  All those times when I was in high school cuddling with a friend was that really early signs of me being gay, or something?  I've never really believed in bi-sexuality I always just thought those were broken people just looking for anyone to screw or to get attention and now that this is happening to me I feel like my world is upside down.  Can a person be gay for just one person?  I don't know what to do my family and her family would never accept us and I would lose all the people I love from my church.  What if I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same way back?  Help!

Answer:  Feelings are not rational do not try to make them behave that way.  You love this girl so yes, you can be gay for just one person.  It sounds like if you had not been indoctrinated and taught that certain things were wrong and sinful you would have no question in your mind that this is true.  It also sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you that this is impossible so you won't have to risk being rejected, which is a fear greater than losing your church and your identity. 

Alfred Kinsey helped the modern world open the door to the notion that it is normal for human sexuality to go way beyond a man and a woman.  In the ancient world this was so widely accepted that even Emperors would openly take lovers of the same sex.

Our obsession with putting labels on things in an attempt to classify and understand generally works for about 90% of any category but there are always exceptions.  Mammals don't lay eggs except for the platypus.  There are 300 million people in America so even if only 1% were something other than fully hetero-sexual (and the number is probably closer to 15%) that would be 3 million people.  That's a lot of exceptions, don't be shocked if you are one of them.     

The bible generally makes the argument that any sex that is not between two married people trying to create a child is wrong.  Accordingly, if you think you are going to hell for having sex with a girl but having sex with a guy outside of marriage is okay then you weren't listening to your church to begin with.

A great recipe for driving yourself crazy is deciding how the world should be and trying to conform your life and your feelings to fit that.  Not gonna work.  If you want to make it through life without having a breakdown try listening to your feelings instead of trying to control them.  If you love this girl go after her, if she doesn't love you back or if she breaks your heart join the rest of us who have taken our shot at greatness and fallen short.

Just because you fell in love with one woman it does not make you bi-sexual.  You may love just this one girl and love nothing but men for the rest of your life because that is all you are drawn to.  You may fall in love with nothing but women for the rest of your life but still choose to take a male lover and a husband because that is how you want to live.  Whatever you do is fine if you are living your life honestly with yourself and your partners and you stop trying to bend the facts to fit the philosophy.  Good luck and go get her.   

Is my friend addicted to her medication?

(If you like this blog and you follow it I will give you a cookie, really, an actual cookie.  Must be redeemed in person.  Ask a question via e-mail and I'll probably answer it.  Cookie and answer are not mutually exclusive.)

Question:  For years a friend of mine had anxiety issues.  It gradually got worse and worse to the point where she had a hard time driving (ex. she couldn't make left turns and would start to freak out if she had to go to a stop light).  Recently she started taking anti-anxiety medication and she is doing great, better than she's been in years, but is she stuck taking them forever?  Will she ever be able to be independent of the medication or is she now addicted to it?  

Answer:  There is a difference between reliance and addiction.  My wife relies heavily on her glasses, without them she could not see well enough to drive or distinguish faces across a room.  My wife is not addicted to her glasses.  

Many people who are reliant on any external source of aide or support can become psychologically dependent on it.  They may feel that without Mom to pack their lunch for them, or the walker they use to get to the car, they will simply not be able to function.  In some cases this is detrimental to a person's development and independence, we often speak of learned helplessness when a person simply gives up without the external support they are used to.  In most cases, however, as long as a person remembers that even without support they can function, it might be really uncomfortable or inconvenient but they will get by, then it is not a problem.

Something becomes an addiction when the relationship with a substance, behavior, person, becomes a priority out of balance with all other priorities.  If a friend would risk your relationship by lying to you to protect their relationship with drugs, gambling, sex, etc.. then they may have an addiction or a Dependence Problem.

Often I deal with parents who are afraid to allow their children to use medication for ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, etc... They worry that the child will use this as a crutch and will not push themselves through tough times instead relying on the medication.  The fear is legitimate if the medication is presented as an answer instead of as part of a process of healing and coping.  

When a person has anxiety their brain has stopped perceiving the world as it actually is and chemical signals are being sent around the brain telling it that there is grave danger when really there is little or none.  The brain can be re-calibrated without medication using a number of different therapies, from relaxation techniques to exposure therapy which helps to react appropriately to stimuli.  This can be a long and really uncomfortable process particularly without medication.

There are two ways medications are used to treat anxiety.  The more healthy way is using medications like SSRI's which build up slowly in the system and help the brain to see the world as it is.  The more immediate way is to use medications when an anxiety or panic attack flares up.   These PRN (as needed) medications hold a high risk of addiction and doctor's like to avoid them if possible because they reinforce a negative notion that when I have a problem I pop a pill and I feel better.  These are medications that tend to get abused and are very dangerous when combined with alcohol or other drugs.

If your friend is working with a doctor and a therapist there is a very good chance she will be able to go off the medication some day.  If she is not doing any therapy she may always be dependent on medication but again that will not be an addiction unless she begins to put her reliance on the medication ahead of other things.  For example if she risks driving under the influence because she cannot bare the idea of driving without a prn anxiety medication even though she has been drinking.

Ultimately medications are a tool to help us live as if we did not have the impairment which triggered their use.   So long as the medication is being used as prescribed by a doctor and is leading to more healthy and typical functioning than life without it then support your friend and worry instead about whose turn it is to drive.

My friend is a horrible, awful, wonderful LIAR, I think.

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Question: My friend is really smart and funny and I love hanging out with her but lately I don't feel like I can trust her.  She always has these really dramatic things happening to her that she won't allow us to talk to anyone about to verify, like she said she has cancer but we are not allowed to mention it around her parents.  Things have gotten worse in this area since we started high school and me and most of our friends went to public school and she went to a small private school in our community.  I think she tells lies so that we will stay with her and keep caring about her, but I don't like being manipulated.  On the other hand I think what if she is telling the truth and I am just the worlds worst friend for questioning her when she really needs my understanding.  How do I confront her without offending her?  

Answer: Liars lie because they do not have the confidence that if they tell the truth they will not be rejected.  You need to confront your friend with all the good things you think about her, how much she matters to you and why.  Then you can express your confusion about how all the bad things keep happening to one person and why it stretches your belief. 

Imagine she is telling the truth and you don't confront her.  Eventually you will grow more and more distant from her as your discomfort with her incredible life situation and the way she tries to compartmentalize it.  Regardless something needs to change or else this you will lose this friendship.  

So often people try to avoid conflict to save a friendship, most often we see this when romantic feelings are held by one member of a friendship and they do not express them to avoid conflict and tension.  Well guess what?  A real friendship can survive some tension, and if it can't then how strong can it really be?  

In my experience every time I have avoided conflict in a relationship that relationship has withered on the vine and other relationships began to demand more of my time and attention.  In cases where I avoided expressing romantic feelings for a female friend eventually one of us started dating somebody else and the friendship was difficult to make time for.  What really got saved? 

So write your friend a note or speak to her one on one in a venue where she will not be embarrassed.  Start by bringing up an image of a time you felt really close to her so that you both have a good vibe going into a more difficult concept.  Tell her this is how you want to feel again but right now you don't.

Then you use the Ask Maigler patented 4 point method for discussing difficult subjects.  1.) How I'm feeling 2.) What I think the problem is 3.)  What I'm afraid of (both by bringing this issue up and if I didn't bring this issue up) 4.) What I hope will happen next.

There is a 99% chance your friend has been lying and this is one of the most difficult habits to change.  So part 4 is the most crucial.  DO NOT ask your friend to confess she is a liar.  Instead tell her that when she tells some of these stories that stretch credulity you have a hard time relating to her.  Ask her permission for you to say that when you are feeling uncomfortable. 

When she tells a lie what is she really asking for?  She really wants to know that she is cared for.  Well ask her to simply cut to the chase and rather than telling you the details express that you just want to know how she is feeling and what she needs from you.  By doing this you are less likely to get caught up in the BS and you will give her what she really needs.  If this is successful in time she will be able to break her habit of lying because she will realize she doesn't need it anymore, at least not with you.

Be aware however, for this to work, if she does call you and tells you she is sad and she doesn't know why, you cannot just blow her off and tell her that you really have to study right now.  If you do she will be reinforced in her belief that she needs to create a fantastic circumstance to get anyone to listen to her.

Good luck, it sounds like this friend has some really good qualities, hopefully her bad habit doesn't end up driving all her friends away.   

drama with my girlfriend's sister

(Happy Holidays to all.  Read, follow, ask whatever you like this blog is my holiday, or any day, gift to you.  Sorry it is tough to return.)

Question:  Every time I go to my girlfriend's house her sister goes out of her way to start shit with me.  She picks at me with little comments about anything from my appearance to the college I go to.  I've tried ignoring it, and I've tried using humor to spar back with her, but she will leave the room crying and it leads to fights between my girlfriend and I.  I do not know what I ever did to this girl, I don't think it is jealousy because she has her own boyfriend who she has been dating for three years.  I just need this to stop because it is leading to a lot of tension between my girlfriend and I and It has gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable at her house.  

Answer:  Get curious and be direct.  Using humor is often a good way to deflect tension and still be assertive about an issue but you have to be very delicate with it or you can come off looking like the bad guy.  Rather than asking sarcastically what her problem is, become honestly curious about her and what is going on, eventually she will be able to tell the difference.  

For example if you were to walk into the house and she said something like "Great Bob's here, another evening ruined."  You could try to make a clever quip to make her look like a moron but that would give her an opportunity to be the victim.  If instead you just said, "Wow, that was pretty mean.  Is there something I can do to fix the way you feel about that?"

Her likely response will be something flip and trite like "try leaving" but you just persevere in the nicest-most- curious-dorkiest way possible and say "Well I'm not going to leave but I honestly don't want to bother you if you think of how we can fix this let me know."

This method of taking control of the situation without anger will make her more uncomfortable with her behavior than you are.  For some reason she doesn't like you and she wants to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend.  When you react with anger she wins.

Ultimately you do want to ask her, one on one, either in a letter or in person what the problem really is. You should not hide your desire to confront the issue with you girlfriend but do not be surprised if she councils you to just ignore it.  

If her sister is the drama queen of the family your girlfriend is probably the peacemaker and has learned to survive by not stepping on the land mines that her sister leaves around.  She may even see her sister as a loving protector.  Rather than trying to drive a wedge between your girlfriend and her sister you want to do the opposite so you can get by the defenses and figure out what is really going on here.

When people are behaving irrationally they are afraid of something (if they are not totally insane).  If you girlfriend's sister is insane or a has a fixed and unchanging awful personality that will eventually become clear to both you and your girlfriend as long as you react positively to her.  

We must assume, however, that your girlfriend's sister has some fear with regard to you.  Perhaps your girlfriend was cheated on by a previous boyfriend and her sister wants to look out for her.  In order to extinguish the negative reactions to you we must determine what her fear is and help her see that you are not going to be a problem.  

It will be hard for her to react negatively if you approach her by saying something like "Listen, I know you love your sister very much and want what is best for her.  For some reason you seem to think that isn't me.  I want to find out from you what the problem is so we can move past it because I'm sure we both just want (your girlfriend) to be happy and the tension between us is upsetting her." 

Good luck and I will cross my fingers that she isn't simply a nut.  

domestic violence at neighbors?

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Question:  My wife and I live in a building where the walls between apartments are not that thick.  Recently a family moved in next door and they have a kid (maybe 5) and a baby.  From time to time we would hear crying through the walls but we figured, babies cry and little kids cry when they don't get what they want.  We would sometimes hear shouting and once or twice something would pound against the wall.  I wanted to do something but I never saw any bruises on the wife or the kids.  Things never went on for more than a minute or two and it wasn't super loud.  How do I know when to get involved and when it is just a family being a family and having some fights?  

Answer:  If it made you uncomfortable there was something wrong with it.  If your neighbor's smoke alarm was going off or their music was too loud you would get up and go knock on the door.  If you are ever worried about a person do not hesitate to be a good neighbor and offer assistance. 

If there is nothing going on they will more than likely seem sheepish, apologize for the noise or explain what was happening.  If they get highly defensive, back off and make sure you are safe.  If you feel threatened or something just seems fishy report the situation to the police.

Many people are afraid that if they stick their noses into something they will only make it worse for the wife/children who might be in an abusive situation.  It is possible that drawing attention to the situation might make things worse that night or in the short term but ultimately it was going to get worse anyway and at least by investigating you are opening the door to possible relief.  

Sexism, Racism, Hetero-sexism, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, none of these things will ever get better as long as the perpetrators are able to make well meaning people feel more ashamed and uncomfortable than they are.  

We direct our attention to victims/survivors but we really need to direct our energy toward engaging bystanders, good people like you, and encouraging them to take that next step.  Reach out, get to know your neighbor.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be great people.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be weirdo's who borrow your hair dryer and never give it back.  The point is if you think something is wrong and you do nothing then you are complicit in keeping the violence going.  There are no innocent bystanders!  A lost hairdryer or an awkward conversation is a small price to pay for potentially saving a life.

Please take 2 minutes and watch this U-Tube video which expresses the problem better than I ever could. 

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  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW30WslahMc