Can I be gay for just one person?

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Question:  About 18 months ago my friend and I hooked up when we were drunk.  I have always been straight and while I might have kissed another girl at a party to raise an eyebrow and I've always been huge into cuddling with female friends when watching movies or hanging out, there was never anything sexual about it, at least for me.  For the next year my friend and I would hook up on and off, but it was like I had this wall in my mind that this wasn't me, and it was just a game for both of us while we waited to find Mr. Right.  I know it doesn't sound like it from this question but I am a deeply religious person and my church believes homosexuality is a choice and a sin, so I've felt a lot of guilt about the whole thing.  Over the last couple months something has really changed for me.  I'm still attracted to guys and I've never been sexually attracted to another girl, but now I don't want anyone else... God I'm having a hard time even writing this but I think I'm in love with her.  Does this mean I've been lying to myself my whole life?  All those times when I was in high school cuddling with a friend was that really early signs of me being gay, or something?  I've never really believed in bi-sexuality I always just thought those were broken people just looking for anyone to screw or to get attention and now that this is happening to me I feel like my world is upside down.  Can a person be gay for just one person?  I don't know what to do my family and her family would never accept us and I would lose all the people I love from my church.  What if I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same way back?  Help!

Answer:  Feelings are not rational do not try to make them behave that way.  You love this girl so yes, you can be gay for just one person.  It sounds like if you had not been indoctrinated and taught that certain things were wrong and sinful you would have no question in your mind that this is true.  It also sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you that this is impossible so you won't have to risk being rejected, which is a fear greater than losing your church and your identity. 

Alfred Kinsey helped the modern world open the door to the notion that it is normal for human sexuality to go way beyond a man and a woman.  In the ancient world this was so widely accepted that even Emperors would openly take lovers of the same sex.

Our obsession with putting labels on things in an attempt to classify and understand generally works for about 90% of any category but there are always exceptions.  Mammals don't lay eggs except for the platypus.  There are 300 million people in America so even if only 1% were something other than fully hetero-sexual (and the number is probably closer to 15%) that would be 3 million people.  That's a lot of exceptions, don't be shocked if you are one of them.     

The bible generally makes the argument that any sex that is not between two married people trying to create a child is wrong.  Accordingly, if you think you are going to hell for having sex with a girl but having sex with a guy outside of marriage is okay then you weren't listening to your church to begin with.

A great recipe for driving yourself crazy is deciding how the world should be and trying to conform your life and your feelings to fit that.  Not gonna work.  If you want to make it through life without having a breakdown try listening to your feelings instead of trying to control them.  If you love this girl go after her, if she doesn't love you back or if she breaks your heart join the rest of us who have taken our shot at greatness and fallen short.

Just because you fell in love with one woman it does not make you bi-sexual.  You may love just this one girl and love nothing but men for the rest of your life because that is all you are drawn to.  You may fall in love with nothing but women for the rest of your life but still choose to take a male lover and a husband because that is how you want to live.  Whatever you do is fine if you are living your life honestly with yourself and your partners and you stop trying to bend the facts to fit the philosophy.  Good luck and go get her.   

can't trust bi-sexuals

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Question: I'm gay, and in the past both times I have tried dating someone who was bi she cheated on me with a guy. Now I can't feel comfortable dating someone who is bi because I know there is something they might be looking for that I can't give them. Recently my girlfriend got drunk and made out with a male friend. She said there was no romantic attraction to him, she is gay it was just an intimacy thing that seemed like a good idea when she was drunk. Now I can't stop thinking that she is secretly bi and that I need to break up with her before she dumps me for some meat stick. The problem is I love her. What should I do?

Answer: Love yourself enough to demand total fidelity from no matter who you are with and if you believe you can get it from this girl you keep her, and if you don't trust her you let her go.

Some might say you are prejudiced against bi-sexual women. Ok. That is your right. You don't have to like bi girls or blonds, or girls who don't like nascar. But if, however, you think you are going to be safe from being cheated on by keeping to just gay women you are kidding yourself.

I wonder about the fact that your girlfriend made out with someone other than you and you are more concerned that it was guy than about the fact that it happened at all.

Dating is hard for anyone. 99% of all romantic relationships end before death do us part. Just getting to the marriage part is a struggle and we know 50% of those end in divorce. If we try to be smart about relationships and make rules that will prevent us from getting hurt we are playing a fools game.

Every relationship (even the ones that last 60 years) hurt. Sometimes the pain comes because a relationship ends badly, sometimes it comes in the middle and we stagger on. If you are going to date you will know pain.

The only rule you need to keep is to demand that who ever you are with respect you and treats you with dignity. If you do this it will not keep you safe but if you don't you are quite clearly heading for disaster.

Let go of the bi-sexuality question with your girlfriend. Decide if you can trust her, and if you can roll the dice.