(I'm sorry I didn't have time to blog in May. Keep the questions coming and I promise I will answer even if they don't make the blog).
Question: When I was 13 I had a crush on a 21 year old guy and he raped me. Years later I ran into him and he said "You know you wanted it." When I told my therapist about it she said, that even if I had wanted it (which I didn't) it still would have been rape. It took me a long time, but I know that bastard raped me, but I don't know if I believe that a 13 year old can't have consensual sex. I think when I was 13 if I had been with a loving guy who had been patient and kind I could have had beautiful consensual sex, even if the guy had been older. Is that possible?
Answer: No, it is not possible for a 13 year old to have consensual sex with anyone, even the nicest kindest person on the planet, even if he was 12, because consent implies having a real understanding about what you are agreeing to, and no 13 year old is mentally and emotionally prepared for sex, even if they have been having it for years.
I want to be clear that I am not even talking about the legal issues. Legally a 13 year old having sex is seven kinds of wrong, but I don't think most people make their sexual decisions about what the law says, I think/hope they decide based on a morality that is far stronger than law.
There have been millions of examples of 13 year olds having sex throughout history who did not feel violated and who have had no regret about the experience. There have also been examples of 13 year olds fighting in wars and working in coal mines and successfully doing all kinds of things that they were really not ready for.
If we asked 13 year olds if they wanted to and fight in Afghanistan and we made it seem as glamorous and adult as our media makes sex seem you wouldn't be able to sign them up fast enough. I would have signed up at 13 and no matter how many gory war documentaries you made me watch I still would have wanted to go. Does that mean I would have been able to consent? No, because no matter how many hours I played Call of Duty, I still just don't get it.
13 year old boys and girls will continue having sex, and in certain cultures it will be supported by adults. In other countries and cultures this may not be considered illegal or immoral but it will never be the most healthy thing for that individual's development.
In this country, however, no matter how much that boy or girl "wants it" and sometimes they really really do, we must do everything in our power to help them to wait. Just as we would ask them to wait before driving, going to college, or fighting in a war. Some of them could handle it and be fine, but when something goes wrong and we still have so much growing to do a trauma can stunt growth permanently.
When someone more than two years older than a teen wants to connect intimately with them they are betraying signs that something is emotionally malformed within them. Healthy adults are repelled by the idea of sex with someone who is not fully formed. Unfortunately many younger teens, especially girls, find these emotionally stunted predators attractive because they feel like they have something in common with them. They do, both people are not fully formed, but the teen still has a chance to grow, and the predator, is unlikely to ever grow into a healthy person.
Showing posts with label preventing rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label preventing rape. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
What does it mean to be a man? A message to my family.
There is no question for this one, just me on my soap box.
I am part of a coalition called Up 2 Us that strives to get men more involved in standing up against domestic violence and sexual assault. Our mission is to get men to see these not as women's problems but as human problems that impact all of us.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=204132927681&ref=ts
http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm
We give presentations where we try to accomplish 3 things. 1.) get people to question what they have learned about what it means to be a man and create a new definition for themselves that they really believe in. 2.) become an ally to those who step outside the box of typical man hood by refusing to participate in mocking them and by openly supporting them. 3.) interrupt violence be it physical or verbal (jokes, comments, harassment) when ever it is safe to do so.
Because of my involvement with Up 2 Us I have been asked to participate in a documentary intended for students about to start college. I thought I would point out to my audience that most guys would be willing to fight a room full of rapists if they were told one of those guys might hurt a woman they loved. If however, those same guys were to asked to have a conversation with 10 of their male friends and relatives about rape and about manhood, none of them would do it.
Sounds crazy. One should be so much easier than the other. Why is it so hard for us to talk to the men in our lives when we know that the only real way to protect the women we love is to make a change in the men who surround them. The sad fact is most rapes are not committed by strangers. Men we like, our buddies, can assault someone and claim they didn't know any better, they were drunk, or some other lame excuse.
But before I could get too frustrated with any one else I asked, "why haven't I done it." I have two nephews in college and three that will be there soon. Johnny, Joey, Brendan, Kevin, Brian this post is for you. I want to talk to you about what it means to be a man, and what it doesn't mean.
Being a man, being a Maigler, is about hard work, taking care of your responsibilities, being dependable, and putting the needs of others ahead of yourself. If you can do those things you are a man in my eyes and I'm proud to have you share my name.
Being a man has nothing to do with sex, or fighting, or how much food you can eat or booze you can drink. Being a man is not about proving anything to anyone but yourself. You do not need to control a woman, you do not need to always be right, you can let yourself be disrespected and not fight that guy if he isn't worth your time (and none of them are).
I love you boys and I want to protect you from the mistakes that I have made. I never want any woman to regret that she met you. I know that feeling and what I've done to earn it, and if I can spare you from it I want to. I want you to realize that sex without intimacy is nothing more than mutual masturbation and you are better off without it.
As I look above at my definition of a man I realize that any woman I admire could live those words too. I think maybe we should worry less about earning the title of manhood and worry more about becoming a responsible adult and a decent human being and the rest will take care of itself.
I hope to talk to you boys more about these things in person. I will ask everyone sees this blog to do the same. Ask yourself what kind of men you want the boys in your life to grow up to be, what kind of men you want the girls in your life to be surrounded by. Then have a conversation with those boys and girls about it so maybe, just maybe, you can save them from the pain of regret that life has taught us all so bitterly.
More violence is done out of ignorance than malice. We can chase that ignorance from this earth if we acknowledge that it is Up 2 Us.
I am part of a coalition called Up 2 Us that strives to get men more involved in standing up against domestic violence and sexual assault. Our mission is to get men to see these not as women's problems but as human problems that impact all of us.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=204132927681&ref=ts
http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm
We give presentations where we try to accomplish 3 things. 1.) get people to question what they have learned about what it means to be a man and create a new definition for themselves that they really believe in. 2.) become an ally to those who step outside the box of typical man hood by refusing to participate in mocking them and by openly supporting them. 3.) interrupt violence be it physical or verbal (jokes, comments, harassment) when ever it is safe to do so.
Because of my involvement with Up 2 Us I have been asked to participate in a documentary intended for students about to start college. I thought I would point out to my audience that most guys would be willing to fight a room full of rapists if they were told one of those guys might hurt a woman they loved. If however, those same guys were to asked to have a conversation with 10 of their male friends and relatives about rape and about manhood, none of them would do it.
Sounds crazy. One should be so much easier than the other. Why is it so hard for us to talk to the men in our lives when we know that the only real way to protect the women we love is to make a change in the men who surround them. The sad fact is most rapes are not committed by strangers. Men we like, our buddies, can assault someone and claim they didn't know any better, they were drunk, or some other lame excuse.
But before I could get too frustrated with any one else I asked, "why haven't I done it." I have two nephews in college and three that will be there soon. Johnny, Joey, Brendan, Kevin, Brian this post is for you. I want to talk to you about what it means to be a man, and what it doesn't mean.
Being a man, being a Maigler, is about hard work, taking care of your responsibilities, being dependable, and putting the needs of others ahead of yourself. If you can do those things you are a man in my eyes and I'm proud to have you share my name.
Being a man has nothing to do with sex, or fighting, or how much food you can eat or booze you can drink. Being a man is not about proving anything to anyone but yourself. You do not need to control a woman, you do not need to always be right, you can let yourself be disrespected and not fight that guy if he isn't worth your time (and none of them are).
I love you boys and I want to protect you from the mistakes that I have made. I never want any woman to regret that she met you. I know that feeling and what I've done to earn it, and if I can spare you from it I want to. I want you to realize that sex without intimacy is nothing more than mutual masturbation and you are better off without it.
As I look above at my definition of a man I realize that any woman I admire could live those words too. I think maybe we should worry less about earning the title of manhood and worry more about becoming a responsible adult and a decent human being and the rest will take care of itself.
I hope to talk to you boys more about these things in person. I will ask everyone sees this blog to do the same. Ask yourself what kind of men you want the boys in your life to grow up to be, what kind of men you want the girls in your life to be surrounded by. Then have a conversation with those boys and girls about it so maybe, just maybe, you can save them from the pain of regret that life has taught us all so bitterly.
More violence is done out of ignorance than malice. We can chase that ignorance from this earth if we acknowledge that it is Up 2 Us.
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