should I have sold her ring?

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Question: I was dating my ex-girlfriend for almost two years and I bought her this ring. It wasn't an engagement ring but maybe kind of a promise ring, and I paid way too much for it, almost $1000. Two months later she broke up with me and eventually she gave me the ring back. I couldn't stand looking at it. Despite the fact that we broke up more than a year ago I'm still not 100% over her. So the other day I sold the ring at a pawn shop for $75. I feel so stupid. I hated having it here but now that it is gone and all I got was $75 I feel so angry all the time. When I'm not angry I feel empty. Should I go get the ring back?


Answer: That ring will not fill the emptiness inside or assuage your anger or regret. The only way forward is letting go, choosing to be thankful rather than bitter about where you stand today. $75 on a thousand dollar ring is a terrible trade, but $75 is a hell of a lot better than nothing.


There is no right answer as to what we do with all the things that pile up over the course of a long relationship. You can burn it, toss it, give it back, keep it in the basement for the rest of your life, there is no correct course of action. What is important is not allowing past relationships and the keepsakes that represent them torture you.


Sometimes we imbue an object with a talisman effect. A lucky penny, a grandfather's watch, a Walter Payton jersey that you have to wear to watch every game. These objects (or sometimes they can be pictures, images, songs, or smells) are connected to a feeling and a place and time in our lives.


When something painful gets paired with that talisman it is less important to destroy or hide from the object than it is to deal with the painful feelings that it is brining up. Some wounds simply need time, and in the case of a break up or a death, it is not healthy to abuse yourself by focusing on your pain until some time has passed.


In the case of this ring, more than a year has passed so it sounds like you need to put some energy into exploring why this wound has not healed more fully. At the same time letting go of the ring may be an important step in your healing because it is a symbol of the relationship and the start of letting go.