Ship her to an all girls school?

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Question: We just got my daughter's report card for freshman year and she got two D's. I would not be freaking out about this but she was an A-B student all through middle school. Also her cheer leading coach called me this winter telling me that she was concerned about the boys she saw my daughter hanging out with after school. I asked around and I know some of these boys are into drugs. My husband and I moved to this community because the schools are so good but now we are considering moving her to an all girls Catholic school. We talked about it with her and she is willing to go but in order to pay for it we will have to use up her college fund.

Answer: The fact that she is willing to go tells me just about all I would need to hear. Peer relationships are the most important thing in an adolescents life and if she is willing to sever those ties and form new ones, something is rotten in Denmark and there might be more going on than you suspect.

First to play devil's advocate against changing schools: where ever you go, there you are. If your daughter likes bad boys, or cocaine, even if she goes to an all girls school she is going to find the girls who know how to find those things. She won't even have to look for them, she will just naturally feel more comfortable with girls who at her level of emotional health. If you daughter is making poor choices because she is emotionally unhealthy it would be a better investment to get her into counseling than to pay money for tuition to an all girls school.

Secondly there is the age old debate of whether sheltering adolescents from opportunities/risks allows them to develop the tools they need to make good choices later on? Sometimes the best way to learn is to really screw up when you still have the safety net of Mom and Dad to bail you out. I know, however, that every parent cringes at the potential cost of that valuable learning. Will it lead to F's on the report card, pregnancy, a car crash... How much rope can we afford to give?

Looking back on high school I know I would have learned twice as much had I been in an all boys school. About 85% of my brain was consumed with sexual images of my female classmates that I could not banish even during the most fascinating lecture from my gifted teachers. And yet, despite the fact that I know I would have learned more in an all boys school I would not have changed schools for the world and I intend to send my own children to co-ed public schools.

I believe that less than 10% of the useful learning that we acquire during our high school and college years is obtained in the classroom. What I learned from my friends, particularly my female friends and girlfriends, are the lessons that I use everyday.

That being said, you have given your daughter a chance in this environment and her actions and her words are telling you that for her, this isn't working. Teens tend to have poor risk assessment and so they almost never choose to have increased restriction. When a teen seems leery of driving, dating, going to a party with friends.... take that hesitancy very seriously.

Your daughter has a history of good grades and was involved in activities at school, which are two great resiliency factors, but if she is drawn to bad boys who are involved with drugs then you are likely to have big trouble on the horizon. That college fund is going to feel like a major waste if she never makes it to college.

If it was my daughter I would register her at both schools but plan on her attending the all girls school. Most public schools will hold her place for 6 days at the start of the school year before dropping her if she does not show. Hopefully by the end of the first week at the girls school she will know if it feels like a good fit or not.

Either way I would consider getting her into some counseling to build her self esteem and help her make good choices. Not sure that she needs it but I do not know any teen that could not benefit from it.