What does it mean to be a man? A message to my family.

There is no question for this one, just me on my soap box. 

I am part of a coalition called Up 2 Us that strives to get men more involved in standing up against domestic violence and sexual assault.  Our mission is to get men to see these not as women's problems but as human problems that impact all of us. 

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=204132927681&ref=ts

http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm

We give presentations where we try to accomplish 3 things.  1.) get people to question what they have learned about what it means to be a man and create a new definition for themselves that they really believe in.  2.) become an ally to those who step outside the box of typical man hood by refusing to participate in mocking them and by openly supporting them.  3.) interrupt violence be it physical or verbal (jokes, comments, harassment) when ever it is safe to do so.  

Because of my involvement with Up 2 Us I have been asked to participate in a documentary intended for students about to start college.  I thought I would point out to my audience that most guys would be willing to fight a room full of rapists if they were told one of those guys might hurt a woman they loved.  If however, those same guys were to asked to have a conversation with 10 of their male friends and relatives about rape and about manhood, none of them would do it. 

Sounds crazy.  One should be so much easier than the other.  Why is it so hard for us to talk to the men in our lives when we know that the only real way to protect the women we love is to make a change in the men who surround them.  The sad fact is most rapes are not committed by strangers.  Men we like, our buddies, can assault someone and claim they didn't know any better, they were drunk, or some other lame excuse.  

But before I could get too frustrated with any one else I asked, "why haven't I done it."  I have two nephews in college and three that will be there soon.  Johnny, Joey, Brendan, Kevin, Brian this post is for you.  I want to talk to you about what it means to be a man, and what it doesn't mean. 

Being a man, being a Maigler, is about hard work, taking care of your responsibilities, being dependable, and putting the needs of others ahead of yourself.   If you can do those things you are a man in my eyes and I'm proud to have you share my name.

Being a man has nothing to do with sex, or fighting, or how much food you can eat or booze you can drink. Being a man is not about proving anything to anyone but yourself.  You do not need to control a woman, you do not need to always be right, you can let yourself be disrespected and not fight that guy if he isn't worth your time (and none of them are). 

I love you boys and I want to protect you from the mistakes that I have made.  I never want any woman to regret that she met you.  I know that feeling and what I've done to earn it, and if I can spare you from it I want to.  I want you to realize that sex without intimacy is nothing more than mutual masturbation and you are better off without it. 

As I look above at my definition of a man I realize that any woman I admire could live those words too.  I think maybe we should worry less about earning the title of manhood and worry more about becoming a responsible adult and a decent human being and the rest will take care of itself.

I hope to talk to you boys more about these things in person.  I will ask everyone sees this blog to do the same.  Ask yourself what kind of men you want the boys in your life to grow up to be, what kind of men you want the girls in your life to be surrounded by.  Then have a conversation with those boys and girls about it so maybe, just maybe, you can save them from the pain of regret that life has taught us all so bitterly. 

More violence is done out of ignorance than malice.  We can chase that ignorance from this earth if we acknowledge that it is Up 2 Us. 

Eating Disorders program for my son?

(if you read this blog and have a thought post a comment, if you like it post a nice comment or even sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook.  If you have a question e-mail me and I will answer)

Question:  Last week my son informed his therapist that he has an eating disorder and he thinks he needs to go into a treatment program.  My husband and I were shocked, my son is thin but he is a runner and he looks normal compared to most of the boys.  We want to get our son the best care possible but we have had difficulty even getting calls back from some of the local eating disorders programs, and they all seem to be geared for girls.  Should we be looking for a specialized program for boys and men?  Is this the kind of thing where he is going to need to leave school for a month or can he be treated a couple times a week with a therapist?  We just don't know where to start.   

Answer:  The ideal treatment program does not exist.  It does not matter what issue you are dealing with, from eating disorders to anxiety to addiction, since every person has such individual circumstances, strengths, and symptoms there will never be a perfect fit.  I would love to tell you about a great program for boys and men with eating issues, and there are probably a couple but if they are out of state or a zillion dollars you may be better off focusing on factors other than gender in finding the right fit for your son.  

So start by doing your homework on the web and try to find someone in the field to talk to who does not have a financial interest in which program you pick.  National Eating Disorders is a non-profit that can provide resources (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/).  Another track is to call an nationally renown program like McCallum Place in Missouri (http://www.mccallumplace.com/) and ask them if they have any recommendations for your area.

After you have a rank list of the local programs contact your insurance company and see what they cover.  While it might sound cold to pick a treatment option based on what insurance will pay for, eating disorders, like any addiction, often take more than one stint in treatment to crack.  If you go bankrupt, which can honestly happen, you won't be able to provide your son with any treatment and his condition may worsen if he feels like he is causing a great deal of financial stress to the family.  Often insurance companies want to make sure you have tried some less intensive interventions first, like out patient therapy with an eating disorders specialist, before they are willing to pop for a 30-60 day stay in a treatment facility.

To be frank insurance companies HATE eating disorders because they represent a huge financial drain which can last for decades.  This has led them to create barriers to paying for treatment which have led to the closure of a number of programs and reduction in staff at others.  You may not be getting a phone call or an e-mail back right away for some of these reasons but if you don't get a good feeling when you actually do talk to someone try to go on to the next program.  Families really need to partner with treatment providers to make sure that any gains can be sustained when a person leaves treatment. 

Some factors that impact the severity and course of treatment for an eating disorder are the amount of time the person has had the eating disorder, how much of the persons time and thought is devoted to food and eating, how much shame and guilt is associated with food.

There is a difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating.  Disordered eating are the behaviors that a person with an eating disorder might display (restricting, binging, purging, hyper exercise after eating...) without the emotional obsession with food.  A person with an eating disorder may still obsess about everything they put in their mouth even during periods where they have no disordered eating behaviors.

A large percentage of people with eating disorders may also have another issue that needs treatment and may shift between negative coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions.  We often see a triangle with Eating disorders at one point, self injury at another, and risk taking behaviors (ex.) drugs and alcohol, unprotected sex, shoplifting, unsafe driving...) at the third.  People may shift from one point to another as they try to convince themselves that they don't have a problem.

The key to treatment for eating disorders is to find another way to get the emotional relief that the disordered eating behaviors have provided in the past.  Eating disorders are the hardest addiction to successfully treat because the abstinence model is impossible.  You can stop drinking, gambling, self injuring, etc... but you cannot stop eating and not eating. 

Treatment programs will first work to develop healthier coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions and then go back and find out how the eating developed so if there is an old trauma that needs healing it can be dealt with instead of just covered over by new and better coping skills.

It is hard to say what your son will need without more information but I can tell you that his prognosis is excellent just because he has stated he is willing to get help. 

Your son is likely to get well no matter which treatment program he goes to if he really wants to move on.  All the programs work if the clients work with the program.  Be prepared that he may have issues with food for the rest of his life but he is fully capable of moving on to a life that is so full of good things that eating issues seem like a thing of the distant past.

Can I be gay for just one person?

(If you like the blog follow it on this site or on facebook, talk about it, share it with friends and neighbors, print it out and put it on your fridge.  If you have a question e-mail and I will answer, eventually)

Question:  About 18 months ago my friend and I hooked up when we were drunk.  I have always been straight and while I might have kissed another girl at a party to raise an eyebrow and I've always been huge into cuddling with female friends when watching movies or hanging out, there was never anything sexual about it, at least for me.  For the next year my friend and I would hook up on and off, but it was like I had this wall in my mind that this wasn't me, and it was just a game for both of us while we waited to find Mr. Right.  I know it doesn't sound like it from this question but I am a deeply religious person and my church believes homosexuality is a choice and a sin, so I've felt a lot of guilt about the whole thing.  Over the last couple months something has really changed for me.  I'm still attracted to guys and I've never been sexually attracted to another girl, but now I don't want anyone else... God I'm having a hard time even writing this but I think I'm in love with her.  Does this mean I've been lying to myself my whole life?  All those times when I was in high school cuddling with a friend was that really early signs of me being gay, or something?  I've never really believed in bi-sexuality I always just thought those were broken people just looking for anyone to screw or to get attention and now that this is happening to me I feel like my world is upside down.  Can a person be gay for just one person?  I don't know what to do my family and her family would never accept us and I would lose all the people I love from my church.  What if I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same way back?  Help!

Answer:  Feelings are not rational do not try to make them behave that way.  You love this girl so yes, you can be gay for just one person.  It sounds like if you had not been indoctrinated and taught that certain things were wrong and sinful you would have no question in your mind that this is true.  It also sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you that this is impossible so you won't have to risk being rejected, which is a fear greater than losing your church and your identity. 

Alfred Kinsey helped the modern world open the door to the notion that it is normal for human sexuality to go way beyond a man and a woman.  In the ancient world this was so widely accepted that even Emperors would openly take lovers of the same sex.

Our obsession with putting labels on things in an attempt to classify and understand generally works for about 90% of any category but there are always exceptions.  Mammals don't lay eggs except for the platypus.  There are 300 million people in America so even if only 1% were something other than fully hetero-sexual (and the number is probably closer to 15%) that would be 3 million people.  That's a lot of exceptions, don't be shocked if you are one of them.     

The bible generally makes the argument that any sex that is not between two married people trying to create a child is wrong.  Accordingly, if you think you are going to hell for having sex with a girl but having sex with a guy outside of marriage is okay then you weren't listening to your church to begin with.

A great recipe for driving yourself crazy is deciding how the world should be and trying to conform your life and your feelings to fit that.  Not gonna work.  If you want to make it through life without having a breakdown try listening to your feelings instead of trying to control them.  If you love this girl go after her, if she doesn't love you back or if she breaks your heart join the rest of us who have taken our shot at greatness and fallen short.

Just because you fell in love with one woman it does not make you bi-sexual.  You may love just this one girl and love nothing but men for the rest of your life because that is all you are drawn to.  You may fall in love with nothing but women for the rest of your life but still choose to take a male lover and a husband because that is how you want to live.  Whatever you do is fine if you are living your life honestly with yourself and your partners and you stop trying to bend the facts to fit the philosophy.  Good luck and go get her.   

Is my friend addicted to her medication?

(If you like this blog and you follow it I will give you a cookie, really, an actual cookie.  Must be redeemed in person.  Ask a question via e-mail and I'll probably answer it.  Cookie and answer are not mutually exclusive.)

Question:  For years a friend of mine had anxiety issues.  It gradually got worse and worse to the point where she had a hard time driving (ex. she couldn't make left turns and would start to freak out if she had to go to a stop light).  Recently she started taking anti-anxiety medication and she is doing great, better than she's been in years, but is she stuck taking them forever?  Will she ever be able to be independent of the medication or is she now addicted to it?  

Answer:  There is a difference between reliance and addiction.  My wife relies heavily on her glasses, without them she could not see well enough to drive or distinguish faces across a room.  My wife is not addicted to her glasses.  

Many people who are reliant on any external source of aide or support can become psychologically dependent on it.  They may feel that without Mom to pack their lunch for them, or the walker they use to get to the car, they will simply not be able to function.  In some cases this is detrimental to a person's development and independence, we often speak of learned helplessness when a person simply gives up without the external support they are used to.  In most cases, however, as long as a person remembers that even without support they can function, it might be really uncomfortable or inconvenient but they will get by, then it is not a problem.

Something becomes an addiction when the relationship with a substance, behavior, person, becomes a priority out of balance with all other priorities.  If a friend would risk your relationship by lying to you to protect their relationship with drugs, gambling, sex, etc.. then they may have an addiction or a Dependence Problem.

Often I deal with parents who are afraid to allow their children to use medication for ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, etc... They worry that the child will use this as a crutch and will not push themselves through tough times instead relying on the medication.  The fear is legitimate if the medication is presented as an answer instead of as part of a process of healing and coping.  

When a person has anxiety their brain has stopped perceiving the world as it actually is and chemical signals are being sent around the brain telling it that there is grave danger when really there is little or none.  The brain can be re-calibrated without medication using a number of different therapies, from relaxation techniques to exposure therapy which helps to react appropriately to stimuli.  This can be a long and really uncomfortable process particularly without medication.

There are two ways medications are used to treat anxiety.  The more healthy way is using medications like SSRI's which build up slowly in the system and help the brain to see the world as it is.  The more immediate way is to use medications when an anxiety or panic attack flares up.   These PRN (as needed) medications hold a high risk of addiction and doctor's like to avoid them if possible because they reinforce a negative notion that when I have a problem I pop a pill and I feel better.  These are medications that tend to get abused and are very dangerous when combined with alcohol or other drugs.

If your friend is working with a doctor and a therapist there is a very good chance she will be able to go off the medication some day.  If she is not doing any therapy she may always be dependent on medication but again that will not be an addiction unless she begins to put her reliance on the medication ahead of other things.  For example if she risks driving under the influence because she cannot bare the idea of driving without a prn anxiety medication even though she has been drinking.

Ultimately medications are a tool to help us live as if we did not have the impairment which triggered their use.   So long as the medication is being used as prescribed by a doctor and is leading to more healthy and typical functioning than life without it then support your friend and worry instead about whose turn it is to drive.

My friend is a horrible, awful, wonderful LIAR, I think.

(This blog is to be read and followed and laughed at and hopefully thought about.  If you click to follow you can do that.  If you have a question send it to me and I will answer.)

Question: My friend is really smart and funny and I love hanging out with her but lately I don't feel like I can trust her.  She always has these really dramatic things happening to her that she won't allow us to talk to anyone about to verify, like she said she has cancer but we are not allowed to mention it around her parents.  Things have gotten worse in this area since we started high school and me and most of our friends went to public school and she went to a small private school in our community.  I think she tells lies so that we will stay with her and keep caring about her, but I don't like being manipulated.  On the other hand I think what if she is telling the truth and I am just the worlds worst friend for questioning her when she really needs my understanding.  How do I confront her without offending her?  

Answer: Liars lie because they do not have the confidence that if they tell the truth they will not be rejected.  You need to confront your friend with all the good things you think about her, how much she matters to you and why.  Then you can express your confusion about how all the bad things keep happening to one person and why it stretches your belief. 

Imagine she is telling the truth and you don't confront her.  Eventually you will grow more and more distant from her as your discomfort with her incredible life situation and the way she tries to compartmentalize it.  Regardless something needs to change or else this you will lose this friendship.  

So often people try to avoid conflict to save a friendship, most often we see this when romantic feelings are held by one member of a friendship and they do not express them to avoid conflict and tension.  Well guess what?  A real friendship can survive some tension, and if it can't then how strong can it really be?  

In my experience every time I have avoided conflict in a relationship that relationship has withered on the vine and other relationships began to demand more of my time and attention.  In cases where I avoided expressing romantic feelings for a female friend eventually one of us started dating somebody else and the friendship was difficult to make time for.  What really got saved? 

So write your friend a note or speak to her one on one in a venue where she will not be embarrassed.  Start by bringing up an image of a time you felt really close to her so that you both have a good vibe going into a more difficult concept.  Tell her this is how you want to feel again but right now you don't.

Then you use the Ask Maigler patented 4 point method for discussing difficult subjects.  1.) How I'm feeling 2.) What I think the problem is 3.)  What I'm afraid of (both by bringing this issue up and if I didn't bring this issue up) 4.) What I hope will happen next.

There is a 99% chance your friend has been lying and this is one of the most difficult habits to change.  So part 4 is the most crucial.  DO NOT ask your friend to confess she is a liar.  Instead tell her that when she tells some of these stories that stretch credulity you have a hard time relating to her.  Ask her permission for you to say that when you are feeling uncomfortable. 

When she tells a lie what is she really asking for?  She really wants to know that she is cared for.  Well ask her to simply cut to the chase and rather than telling you the details express that you just want to know how she is feeling and what she needs from you.  By doing this you are less likely to get caught up in the BS and you will give her what she really needs.  If this is successful in time she will be able to break her habit of lying because she will realize she doesn't need it anymore, at least not with you.

Be aware however, for this to work, if she does call you and tells you she is sad and she doesn't know why, you cannot just blow her off and tell her that you really have to study right now.  If you do she will be reinforced in her belief that she needs to create a fantastic circumstance to get anyone to listen to her.

Good luck, it sounds like this friend has some really good qualities, hopefully her bad habit doesn't end up driving all her friends away.   

drama with my girlfriend's sister

(Happy Holidays to all.  Read, follow, ask whatever you like this blog is my holiday, or any day, gift to you.  Sorry it is tough to return.)

Question:  Every time I go to my girlfriend's house her sister goes out of her way to start shit with me.  She picks at me with little comments about anything from my appearance to the college I go to.  I've tried ignoring it, and I've tried using humor to spar back with her, but she will leave the room crying and it leads to fights between my girlfriend and I.  I do not know what I ever did to this girl, I don't think it is jealousy because she has her own boyfriend who she has been dating for three years.  I just need this to stop because it is leading to a lot of tension between my girlfriend and I and It has gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable at her house.  

Answer:  Get curious and be direct.  Using humor is often a good way to deflect tension and still be assertive about an issue but you have to be very delicate with it or you can come off looking like the bad guy.  Rather than asking sarcastically what her problem is, become honestly curious about her and what is going on, eventually she will be able to tell the difference.  

For example if you were to walk into the house and she said something like "Great Bob's here, another evening ruined."  You could try to make a clever quip to make her look like a moron but that would give her an opportunity to be the victim.  If instead you just said, "Wow, that was pretty mean.  Is there something I can do to fix the way you feel about that?"

Her likely response will be something flip and trite like "try leaving" but you just persevere in the nicest-most- curious-dorkiest way possible and say "Well I'm not going to leave but I honestly don't want to bother you if you think of how we can fix this let me know."

This method of taking control of the situation without anger will make her more uncomfortable with her behavior than you are.  For some reason she doesn't like you and she wants to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend.  When you react with anger she wins.

Ultimately you do want to ask her, one on one, either in a letter or in person what the problem really is. You should not hide your desire to confront the issue with you girlfriend but do not be surprised if she councils you to just ignore it.  

If her sister is the drama queen of the family your girlfriend is probably the peacemaker and has learned to survive by not stepping on the land mines that her sister leaves around.  She may even see her sister as a loving protector.  Rather than trying to drive a wedge between your girlfriend and her sister you want to do the opposite so you can get by the defenses and figure out what is really going on here.

When people are behaving irrationally they are afraid of something (if they are not totally insane).  If you girlfriend's sister is insane or a has a fixed and unchanging awful personality that will eventually become clear to both you and your girlfriend as long as you react positively to her.  

We must assume, however, that your girlfriend's sister has some fear with regard to you.  Perhaps your girlfriend was cheated on by a previous boyfriend and her sister wants to look out for her.  In order to extinguish the negative reactions to you we must determine what her fear is and help her see that you are not going to be a problem.  

It will be hard for her to react negatively if you approach her by saying something like "Listen, I know you love your sister very much and want what is best for her.  For some reason you seem to think that isn't me.  I want to find out from you what the problem is so we can move past it because I'm sure we both just want (your girlfriend) to be happy and the tension between us is upsetting her." 

Good luck and I will cross my fingers that she isn't simply a nut.  

domestic violence at neighbors?

(follow this blog on this site or of face book, make comments, create Ask Maigler buttons and memorabilia, or just read it.  If you have a question e-mail me and I will answer, eventually)

Question:  My wife and I live in a building where the walls between apartments are not that thick.  Recently a family moved in next door and they have a kid (maybe 5) and a baby.  From time to time we would hear crying through the walls but we figured, babies cry and little kids cry when they don't get what they want.  We would sometimes hear shouting and once or twice something would pound against the wall.  I wanted to do something but I never saw any bruises on the wife or the kids.  Things never went on for more than a minute or two and it wasn't super loud.  How do I know when to get involved and when it is just a family being a family and having some fights?  

Answer:  If it made you uncomfortable there was something wrong with it.  If your neighbor's smoke alarm was going off or their music was too loud you would get up and go knock on the door.  If you are ever worried about a person do not hesitate to be a good neighbor and offer assistance. 

If there is nothing going on they will more than likely seem sheepish, apologize for the noise or explain what was happening.  If they get highly defensive, back off and make sure you are safe.  If you feel threatened or something just seems fishy report the situation to the police.

Many people are afraid that if they stick their noses into something they will only make it worse for the wife/children who might be in an abusive situation.  It is possible that drawing attention to the situation might make things worse that night or in the short term but ultimately it was going to get worse anyway and at least by investigating you are opening the door to possible relief.  

Sexism, Racism, Hetero-sexism, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, none of these things will ever get better as long as the perpetrators are able to make well meaning people feel more ashamed and uncomfortable than they are.  

We direct our attention to victims/survivors but we really need to direct our energy toward engaging bystanders, good people like you, and encouraging them to take that next step.  Reach out, get to know your neighbor.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be great people.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be weirdo's who borrow your hair dryer and never give it back.  The point is if you think something is wrong and you do nothing then you are complicit in keeping the violence going.  There are no innocent bystanders!  A lost hairdryer or an awkward conversation is a small price to pay for potentially saving a life.

Please take 2 minutes and watch this U-Tube video which expresses the problem better than I ever could. 

POWA Ad

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW30WslahMc