drama with my girlfriend's sister

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Question:  Every time I go to my girlfriend's house her sister goes out of her way to start shit with me.  She picks at me with little comments about anything from my appearance to the college I go to.  I've tried ignoring it, and I've tried using humor to spar back with her, but she will leave the room crying and it leads to fights between my girlfriend and I.  I do not know what I ever did to this girl, I don't think it is jealousy because she has her own boyfriend who she has been dating for three years.  I just need this to stop because it is leading to a lot of tension between my girlfriend and I and It has gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable at her house.  

Answer:  Get curious and be direct.  Using humor is often a good way to deflect tension and still be assertive about an issue but you have to be very delicate with it or you can come off looking like the bad guy.  Rather than asking sarcastically what her problem is, become honestly curious about her and what is going on, eventually she will be able to tell the difference.  

For example if you were to walk into the house and she said something like "Great Bob's here, another evening ruined."  You could try to make a clever quip to make her look like a moron but that would give her an opportunity to be the victim.  If instead you just said, "Wow, that was pretty mean.  Is there something I can do to fix the way you feel about that?"

Her likely response will be something flip and trite like "try leaving" but you just persevere in the nicest-most- curious-dorkiest way possible and say "Well I'm not going to leave but I honestly don't want to bother you if you think of how we can fix this let me know."

This method of taking control of the situation without anger will make her more uncomfortable with her behavior than you are.  For some reason she doesn't like you and she wants to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend.  When you react with anger she wins.

Ultimately you do want to ask her, one on one, either in a letter or in person what the problem really is. You should not hide your desire to confront the issue with you girlfriend but do not be surprised if she councils you to just ignore it.  

If her sister is the drama queen of the family your girlfriend is probably the peacemaker and has learned to survive by not stepping on the land mines that her sister leaves around.  She may even see her sister as a loving protector.  Rather than trying to drive a wedge between your girlfriend and her sister you want to do the opposite so you can get by the defenses and figure out what is really going on here.

When people are behaving irrationally they are afraid of something (if they are not totally insane).  If you girlfriend's sister is insane or a has a fixed and unchanging awful personality that will eventually become clear to both you and your girlfriend as long as you react positively to her.  

We must assume, however, that your girlfriend's sister has some fear with regard to you.  Perhaps your girlfriend was cheated on by a previous boyfriend and her sister wants to look out for her.  In order to extinguish the negative reactions to you we must determine what her fear is and help her see that you are not going to be a problem.  

It will be hard for her to react negatively if you approach her by saying something like "Listen, I know you love your sister very much and want what is best for her.  For some reason you seem to think that isn't me.  I want to find out from you what the problem is so we can move past it because I'm sure we both just want (your girlfriend) to be happy and the tension between us is upsetting her." 

Good luck and I will cross my fingers that she isn't simply a nut.  

domestic violence at neighbors?

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Question:  My wife and I live in a building where the walls between apartments are not that thick.  Recently a family moved in next door and they have a kid (maybe 5) and a baby.  From time to time we would hear crying through the walls but we figured, babies cry and little kids cry when they don't get what they want.  We would sometimes hear shouting and once or twice something would pound against the wall.  I wanted to do something but I never saw any bruises on the wife or the kids.  Things never went on for more than a minute or two and it wasn't super loud.  How do I know when to get involved and when it is just a family being a family and having some fights?  

Answer:  If it made you uncomfortable there was something wrong with it.  If your neighbor's smoke alarm was going off or their music was too loud you would get up and go knock on the door.  If you are ever worried about a person do not hesitate to be a good neighbor and offer assistance. 

If there is nothing going on they will more than likely seem sheepish, apologize for the noise or explain what was happening.  If they get highly defensive, back off and make sure you are safe.  If you feel threatened or something just seems fishy report the situation to the police.

Many people are afraid that if they stick their noses into something they will only make it worse for the wife/children who might be in an abusive situation.  It is possible that drawing attention to the situation might make things worse that night or in the short term but ultimately it was going to get worse anyway and at least by investigating you are opening the door to possible relief.  

Sexism, Racism, Hetero-sexism, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, none of these things will ever get better as long as the perpetrators are able to make well meaning people feel more ashamed and uncomfortable than they are.  

We direct our attention to victims/survivors but we really need to direct our energy toward engaging bystanders, good people like you, and encouraging them to take that next step.  Reach out, get to know your neighbor.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be great people.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be weirdo's who borrow your hair dryer and never give it back.  The point is if you think something is wrong and you do nothing then you are complicit in keeping the violence going.  There are no innocent bystanders!  A lost hairdryer or an awkward conversation is a small price to pay for potentially saving a life.

Please take 2 minutes and watch this U-Tube video which expresses the problem better than I ever could. 

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  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW30WslahMc

What if I can't enjoy sex while sober

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Question:  I love my boyfriend, he is awesome, he treats me well and he is really cute.  We have been dating for almost two years and we are really comfortable together.  The problem is our sex kinda stinks.  I used to really enjoy sex and get into it and especially lately I feel like I'm just waiting for him to be done.  I debate faking an orgasm just so he will finish faster and then I feel guilty.  I thought about it and I can't remember ever really enjoying sex when I wasn't drunk or high.  I think then I could just feel it, but now I find myself thinking about other things and I can't shut my brain off.  I think about how fat I look or I wonder if he is thinking about other girls.  If I am going to spend my life with this guy something needs to change.  I want to enjoy sex again, but I'm afraid to tell him how I'm feeling and it just isn't practical for me to get drunk or high every time we are going to make love. 

Answer:  Self conscious:  to be aware of one's self.  Doesn't sound like a bad thing but the goal of sex, good sex at least, is to fuse two I's into one and allow feeling overtake our minds.  In the past you used drugs and alcohol to push the mind out of the equation but they create their own barriers.  The best sex of your life is ahead of you not behind, but you must first learn to get excited about your self and your body, and then teach your boyfriend what works best for you to heighten the experience.  

Fake it till you make it is a common phrase used in addictions treatment.  It does not mean that you should pretend to be sober, it means that before you really believe that change is possible you have to embrace it with your mind and live as if you did believe it.

When having sex with your boyfriend do not fake orgasms as that is only likely to keep the same negative patterns going.  Do move and breathe as if really enjoyable sex is possible for you and it is more likely to be achieved.  As you increase your heart rate and blood flow to your erogenous zones you become more likely to orgasm.

Since many women never orgasm through vaginal penetration use foreplay or post play to help you get off.  If you define successful sex only as when both of you climax near the same time you are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on.  Change your definition to make successful sex any sex or play that you enjoy and wish to have more of.

If you have had a problem with him lasting too long and wishing he was done get him closer to climax when you begin and this will be less of  an issue. Many young men have been fooled by the porn industry into believing that all women want their man to just pound away as hard as they can for 90 minutes or more.  That leads to a lot of sore pubic areas and chaffing and not a lot of satisfaction for the gals.

If you feel comfortable enough consider masturbating with your boyfriend so he can see what really does get you off.  Most men want nothing more than to be a successful lover and if you suggest things in a positive way he will not be offended.

For example, if you say "I hate being on top because you make me do all the work and I don't like to look down at my body" the typical man will try to convince you that you look fine and that he will do more work.

If what you want is to try a different position focus on the positive you want to see by saying something like, "I can't wait to see you, I've been thinking all day about you and me in the dark with you (pick position/activity/idea)."  By framing things positively your man will be excited to learn and you are more likely to lose yourself in the experience.

Drugs and alcohol are not the key to having good sex.  The keys are trust, communication, and enthusiasm.  We know that we don't need a partner to get off so if  having your partner in the room is more of a barrier than an aid in achieving orgasm then we must change the trust level and the expectations. 

Should girlfriends taste like smoke?

Question:  I have been seeing this girl for the past 6 months that I am deeply in love with. We get along great, if we ever have a problem we bring it up to each other in a peaceful calm manner and solve it there and then. Lately I think she has been smoking because whenever I kiss her, her mouth tastes like an ash tray. I've hinted her whenever we're in conversation that smoking is gross and very unattractive to me and she agrees with me but she still tastes like it sometimes when we kiss. First time I noticed this I asked her if she was smoking and she seemed to take a little offense to it and said no. On occasion it continues. Her mother does the same thing with smoking and acting like she doesn't. What should I do? I don't want to seem like a controlling boyfriend by saying don't do it but I do want it to stop because I feel like shes lying to me.


Answer:  Take a second to think about this from her perspective. Either one of two things is happening, she is an occasional smoker and likes smoking and wants to keep doing it, but she also knows you don't approve and are unlikely to be convinced that it is okay. Or she doesn't smoke and occasionally for some reason she just has bad breath.


Either way you are accusing her of something uncomfortable and she has no way to win. If she is a smoker and she is honest with you she is either going to have to lose smoking or lose you (well maybe not lose you but deal with your disapproval). If she is not a smoker well then that is just awkward.



Is smoking a deal breaker for you? Is bad breath? Is honesty?



Assume that she is smoking and put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would like her to react. Then pretend she is not smoking and ask yourself the same question.



Ultimately you will need to have a very direct conversation with her. No beating around the bush about how you don't like smoking generally, but the next time you feel like you taste it you need to say (you can also do this in letter format)



"Hey we need to talk. I'm really confused because I feel like there are times when I keep tasting smoke when we kiss. Part of me wants to believe you that you don't smoke and I feel like a jerk for bringing this up if it is just some odd dental condition, but when I see the way your Mom hides her smoking it makes me wonder. I hope you realize how much I love you and that if you did feel the need to smoke from time to time it would be so much more important to me that you were honest about it than the issue of whether or not you did it. I am not saying you were lying to me before but I try to put myself in your shoes and I feel like I would have made it pretty hard for you to be honest if you had been smoking when I went on and on about how much I disapproved of it. I want to have a long relationship with you and smoking is not a deal breaker with me, but trust and honesty are. Also nice breath is pretty important. If I ever have smoky, galic, onion, pretzel or any other kind of unpleasant taste in my mouth I really want you to tell me so I can chew some gum or get a mint or something. I want your permission to bring this up to you if I notice it. To be honest I kinda hope you have been smoking because that will be a lot easier to fix than if this is some kind of stomach condition. More importantly I hope we can both be open and honest with each other about the little things and you never feel like you have to hide something from me.



Or tell her something like that. The main idea is whatever is wrong with the taste in her mouth you get rid of it and you lay the ground work for her to be honest in the future. It is unlikely if she has been smoking that she is just going to come right out and admit it, but she might if she would prefer you think that than she just has smoky gross mouth. Believe it or not I have seen people lose multi-year relationships over stuff as little as oral hygine when the one partner tried to just drop hints and wait for it to get better. If you like this girl you owe it to her and the relationship to be more direct.

Am I a rapist?

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Question:  I have been kinda seeing this girl at my school for a couple months.  She made it clear she has a serious boyfriend back home and while she does not mind fooling around she did not want to have sex.  This weekend there was a party at my fraternity and after some drinking and dancing we came up to my room.  I will admit that I let her know how dissapointed I was that she would not sleep with me after we had done just about everything else and she had gotten off.  She asked me if I had a condom and we ended up having sex and I could tell that she was really into it.  I woke in the middle of the night to the sound of her crying and she refused to talk to me about it.  The next morning she left early without saying goodbye.  Now I feel like the worlds biggest asshole.  I know we had both been drinking but she was not drunk and I did not force her to do anything but I still feel awful.  I never wanted to be anyone's regret.  Since she had been drinking does this make me a rapist?  

Answer:  I honestly don't know as I have no way of gauging her state of mind or level of intoxication. I highly doubt you will be prosecuted but it does not sound like that is your primary concern.  

A simple rule of thumb for deciding on whether or not to have sex with a person is if both parties would probably not consent to it if they were stone sober and not aroused, DON'T DO IT.  I know this is a utopian ideal and I have worked with a large number of college students who have never had sex sober, but if your goal is to never again be someone's regret I suggest you stick to this standard.

NO MEANS NO is just a starting point.  So many young men believe if they do not hear NO, or they are able to manipulate or titillate a yes out of their partner then they are all good.  That is a lot of bullshit!  I have worked with victims of sexual abuse who are unable to vocalize anything when they are in a sexual situation.  A young man could easily rape and traumatize such a girl without ever having any idea that something was wrong if he was using the No means No standard.  

Never lay down with anyone that you would not like to wake up with and have breakfast.  If all you are searching for is an orgasm then you are fully capable of finding one of those all by yourself and no one has to feel used or degraded.

It sounds like you need to find this girl as soon as possible and have a conversation with her.  She may never want to see your face again, or more likely, she is blaming herself a lot more than she blames you.  The point is not about assigning blame it is about establishing where you go from here.  Whether or not you wish to pursue a romatic relationship with this girl it seems clear that you care about her feelings.  She needs to know that and be validated that she and her feelings matter, because this weekend you sent a signal that they didn't. 

I'd like to tell you that because you did not intend to harm her that you don't need to feel bad about what you did, but as they old saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."  You are responsible for the results of your actions no matter what your intentions were.  

The best thing you can do right now is take responsibility, and express your regret and her importance.  More importantly do everything in your power to help your fraternity brothers and male friends understand that NO MEANS NO is just a place to start.  They and hundreds of girls will be forever in your debt. 

How do I explain my depression?

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Question:  I can't win.  Every fall I start to get depressed and it happens at other times in the year.  Sometimes I just need to cry or be sad but my boyfriend feels like a failure if I'm not happy.  My parents think I'm just a drama queen because when I'm with my friends or my boyfriend I can be happy and laughing but then when it is time to get out of bed for school sometimes I just can't do it.  My boyfriend wants me to tell him how I"m feeling and I want to be honest with him, but then we fight because I don't want to hear a pep talk, I just want him to be there and love me.  How do I get them all to understand that this is real and I can't help it, but it isn't anybody's fault or job to fix it? Sometimes I just need to cry and be sad for awhile. 

Answer:  Psycho-education for families and friends is the most overlooked part of successful mental health treatment.  As a therapist usually my first job is to get my client to understand what you just said:  This is a disease, it isn't about fault and it isn't about fixing it, it is about learning to manage the symptoms and get on with your life.  This process usually takes me a couple of years so that fact that you are already there is a great sign.

There are four methods I would suggest to get the people you care about to understand what you need and what you don't:  direct conversation, writing them a letter, conversation with a third party, book or movie. 

If you are going to use any of the first three methods your first step is figuring out what you want and planning how you want to go into the conversation/explanation.  The format I suggest is:  1.)  Tell them what you are feeling 2.) identify what you think is triggering that feeling 3.) tell them what you are afraid will happen as a result of the conversation/letter 4.) tell them what you hope will happen next (with concrete examples of what you would like them to do instead of what they have been doing).   

When dealing with men conversations often go off the rails when talking about feelings because the man often wants the feelings to make sense (which feelings are not obliged to do), and/or because he has not been given direct instructions on what he is supposed to DO.  When men do not have an action plan they get nervous, especially if there is a crying woman in the room.  If you give your boyfriend a manual and tell him what his role is in helping you he is likely to be more relaxed and follow instructions. 

I generally suggest writing a letter which you then read aloud or have a trusted friend check for potential land mines that will cause the reader to be defensive.  After you have given the letter and time for the reader to digest follow up with a conversation for clarification. 

Sometimes past arguments and relationships represent a block to communication.  Perhaps your parents cannot take information coming from their daughter seriously.  In these cases if you are working with a therapist it is a great idea to get them involved for a joint session where they help explain what is going on for you.  Sometimes that masters degree will make the same words that you already used sound more real to a parent or boyfriend. 

Finally if you have read a book, seen a movie, or even heard a song which really captures the way you feel, try to expose the person to that media.  Sometimes Hollywood does a much better job than we ever could in explaining the way we are feeling, and while most guys are not rushing out to rent "Girl Interrupted" if you ask your man to watch it with you, he probably will. 

None of these people can know what it feels like inside you, even if they have dealt with depression themselves.  They don't need to know and if they are lucky they will never have to.  They do need to be educated, however, that even if there is no reason for them your feelings are real and they matter.  If they want you to be as healthy as possible they will not question your feelings or make you feel bad for having them, they will just support you in the way that works best for you. 

Boss, Mentor or Friend?

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Question:  I am a manager of a major chain retail store and I take my role as a mentor to my employees very seriously.  One of my employees is a warm charismatic guy but he tends to make terrible impulsive decisions.  He regularly came to me for advice and has probably been more candid than he should have been about his past legal history, drug use, and adventures with women.  As a result when he told me he was dating a co-worker 8 years his junior and asked me what I thought of it, I was honest with him that it seemed kinda creepy to me.  Since this conversation he has been distant, dishonest with me on more than one occasion and I'm worried about him.  I feel like I'm doing a bad job of balancing the roles of manager, mentor, and friend and I don't know what I can do to help him but still remain honest and professional.  Any ideas? 

Answer:  The hardest thing about managing any of these roles is telling people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear.   A worse manager or friend would have given him a big thumbs up and then told the girl to run for the hills.  

To help keep your priorities in order remember that you cannot be a mentor to him or anyone if you lose your job for running the store poorly or allowing employees to conduct themselves in a way that will open the business up to risk or liability.

As long as his jugement is poor but it is limited to his personal life then you should stay out of it unless he invites you in.  In this case he did and he was dissapointed with your response.  That is a risk we all face in any time we ask for advice when we are really just looking for a rubber stamp of approval on our questionable behaviors.

If your employee really has a tendency to make poor impulsive decisions no one can help him until he determines what his passion is.  Many people have a hard time delaying gratification.  How can you get yourself to wait through the bad times if you don't believe any good times are on the way? So to brighten up your life you smoke some weed, do some coke, have unprotected sex...

The problems with these diversions are obvious even to the people who do them but you cannot take a coping skill (even an unhealthy one) away without replacing it with something else. the key is to get him to replace it with something healthy and positive that gives him a good feeling on a very frequent basis.

The best advice for someone who is feeling down and depressed is for him to get active helping others. This can take him out of his self centered and self defeating behaviors. Helping out with animals, feeding people at a homeless shelter, doing anything that helps him to realize many people have it worse than he does, is a good first step.



Ultimately all you can do is offer these suggestions and allow him to take them or leave them.  As a manager you can directly confront the fact that he has been acting differently toward you since your conversation and you can express you concern for him but after that the ball is in his court.  

Do not be surprised if he continues to lie to you and if he steals from your store.  When he lies to you, especially about little stupid stuff that you probably wouldn't even care about, it is probably not you he is lying to as much as himself. In order to tell the truth we must admit it and if he is carrying around a lot of shame then honesty is a tough habit to maintain.

It sounds like you are doing an excellent job in being a caring manager and mentor.  While friendship with the people who work for you is not impossible you may need to take a step back from that if puts your role as a responsible manager in jeopardy.