Internet love? Be Wary

(Sorry friends it has been a very long time since I posted.  My son is too wonderful to pull myself away from when he is awake and when he is asleep I get lazy.  I will do better.)

Question:  I am on the tail end of relationship that isn’t going anywhere and so I began exploring online dating sites.  I met a man on a Christian site and we have been trading emails for a couple of months.  He lives one state away from me, which is annoying but not impossible.  Recently we have been talking about plans to meet.  I am little concerned though because he has already told me that he is in love with me and has sent me flowers.  I am flattered by his emails but am I wrong to think this is too much too fast? 

Answer:  You are wise to be wary.  Anyone who professes their love for someone they have never met in person should arouse suspicion.  In the best case scenario he is a hopeless romantic and is in love with the idea of being in love.  In the worst case scenario this is some sort of scam artist who might try to take advantage of you. 

This is not to say that internet dating is not a wonderful thing.  For centuries people were limited in who they could date by their geography.  The internet has opened up the opportunity for people to find partners who really share their interests and might be a great fit than anyone who they could have naturally encountered throughout the course of their day.

I think that any person who does not regularly find themselves in an environment where they are encountering dozens of attractive available people (so virtually everyone who is beyond college age), should consider creating a profile on an internet site if they are not finding what they are looking for in dating. 

That being said, never trust that anyone is who they claim to be online.  It is not until you have seen a person interacting with their friends, family, co-workers, waiters at restaurants, etc… that you have any idea who that person is. 

Hopefully you would do a bit of research before you selected a new doctor or a contractor to do a repair on your home.  Bring the same level of diligence before you invite someone into your life.  If this person lives far away try and check out their profile online and try to find a way to interact with some of their other friends, even if it is only in a virtual way.

If you are enjoying this connection and he is coming on a little too strong but you don’t want to push him away be direct.  You might try saying, “It feels great to read those words but I find it to be a bit overwhelming.  If you are interested in this going forward, and I hope you are, I need you to tone it down a little until we know each other a little better.” 

If he can’t tone it down then this is a person who you need to avoid.  He lacks social skills and empathy and that will not get better over time.  If he can bring himself to a level you are comfortable with I would still recommend connecting with someone else he knows before you meet in person. 

Keep safety in mind for a first meeting.  Let others know where you are going and how to reach you.  If possible meet in a setting where some of your friends can be there as well, like a concert.  Any person who refuses to meet with you in a public place and who refuses to let you communicate with their friends should send up some big red flags.

In this millennium there is no excuse for not going out and finding the person who can make you happy.  There is a fit out there for everyone and it has never been easier to search.  Just search safely using common sense and feedback from people you trust. 

where are the black male therapists?

(readers, I'm sorry I have not posted recently.  5 month old Ryan is sleeping right now so we will see if I can finish a blog before he wakes).  

Question:  My boyfriend and I have been growing apart and when we examined why he told me he feels the race thing is overwhelming him.  I'm white and he is black and while we love each other and our kids get along great, he is tired of the people staring at us when we are in public and the constant reminders of subtle racism exhaust him.  He is willing to go into couples counseling with me to try to overcome this issue but we cannot seem to find a black male therapist.  We are willing to try with someone else if we have to but I know if he doesn't feel like the therapist can really understand where he is coming from it is not going to work.  Any ideas?  

Answer:  Finding a therapist your boyfriend feels comfortable with is absolutely crucial, and while it might take a great deal of effort to find that person do not stop searching until you do. 

The fact is there are thousands of therapists who are skilled in couples counseling and who are culturally competent enough to help bring you and your boyfriend some clarity about the future of your relationship.

Just because a therapist does not share the experience of the client does not mean they cannot help.  I regularly work with clients who have been sexually assaulted, grew up in a divorced house hold, immigrated from another country, or who have had a day with really bad menstrual cramps.  I have never had to deal with any of these problems in my own life, and yet I seem to be able to help.

That being said, I never try to force it.  If a female student comes into my office and states they would rather work with a female I refer them right away.  It doesn't hurt my feelings, I just want them to start off with someone who will make them feel comfortable.

The experience of being judged and discriminated against based on the color of your skin is destructive in a way that can scarcely be comprehended by those who have not experienced it.  In addition, the experience of an African American male in our society is very different than that of an African American woman, so I can see why he would feel that any one not in that group would have difficulty understanding his level of discomfort in the relationship.  Since the race issue is central to the presenting problem, if you do not find someone who your boyfriend feels really gets it, therapy will be a waste of time.

The field of therapy is dominated by white females.  In my grad school cohort of over 100 social workers I was one of two hetero-sexual white males.  There were several African American men in my program but none of them were going into clinical social work.  The few African American male therapists I have met in my career have been in very high demand, but they are out there.

I would suggest utilizing websites like helppro.com, and if you are in an area with some universities contacting some of the clinical faculty and asking them for referrals.  The longer a person has been in the profession the more likely it is that they will have a contact and any good therapist is happy to help you find a good fit even if it isn't going to help them profit in anyway.

Another place to look is the spiritual community.  Many churches offer some pastoral counseling and if there is a church in your community that you believe would be supportive of your relationship and they have African American male ministers you may inquire to see if they provide counseling.  The added bonus is churches will often provide counseling as a free service.  

Once you have gathered some recommendations of effective therapists see if your boyfriend can do a phone interview with them to find out if he feels like it will be a good fit.  After a couple phone calls he may discover that finding a person who has a sense of humor that matches his is more important than finding someone who matches his race and gender.

Can't keep up with college

(Forgive me loyal readers, I always intend to blog but my 3 month old leaves little time or energy for writing.  I promise I will try to be more consistent in the future.   Have a question?  Email me and I will answer.)


I just transferred into a new university and absolutely love it.  One problem though is I set some goals too high and it kills me a little bit when I can't reach them.  Before coming in I expected great grades, playing time in my sport, pledging a fraternity and a significant increase in my romantic life.  Since being here I've struggled with grades even though I study a lot, I had to fight hard to get a spot on the team, the pledge process is wearing me out, and haven't had much luck with the ladies.  Is there a strategy I can take to not set my standards so high so I don't build up the stress of not achieving what I can't do all the time?


The problem is not having high standards it is with viewing failure as a bad thing.  I was once asked the question "what would you do if you weren't afraid?"  What if you did not have to fear failing out of school, not getting PT on the team, not getting a position in the fraternity, getting rejected by women.  How much lighter would you feel if all of these things were still possible but if they happened they would not make you question yourself anymore?  

The goal for you is to begin to view failure as feedback.  For example when lifting weights we are often told to continue going until our muscles give out.  This tells us when we have reached our maximum.  In your case you are putting too much on your plate and setting unrealistic standards of achievement.  Then when your time gives out instead of using that information to lighten your load, you blame yourself.  Not fair, not smart.  

Accept that you are only a normal human with 24 hours in your day.  Try listing all the things you wish to do and then rank the items from most to least important.  Then you have to budget your time according to those priorities.  When you "fail" at a task ask yourself "how can I learn from this, how can I 'Fail Forward' and turn this experience into something I want to remember instead of something I feel ashamed of.  

With regard to your sport, instead of measuring your success by how much playing time you got or how well you played ask yourself how alive you felt every time you stepped on the field.  Did you allow yourself in each run that you got to be fully present and in the moment or did you think about trying to impress your coaches and teammates?  Define success as mindfulness, (being fully present in the moment) and you will play much better and enjoy the game more. 

With your fraternity stop focusing on getting a position and instead focus on creating memories.  Whether you stay in that fraternity for two more weeks or two more years the reason to join it is to enhance your college experience not to build your resume.  Every experience in pledge-ship both bad and good (and I had way more bad that good when I was a pledge) is hopefully going to be a memory that you will cherish.  

With class don't worry about your GPA, just try to get as mentally involved as you can in each class that you attend and in each project that you do.  Most of us spent college just jumping through hoops and trying to get grades and if any learning occurred it was a happy accident.  That attitude was a huge waste of my tuition money.  If you are fully present in class when you are in class whether you get a D or an A in the class it won't matter because you will have learned.  Your college GPA will not get you a good job your internships will and if you don't do any internships before you graduate you are really wasting your time.  

With regard to women, if your goal is just to hook up with as many girls as possible that is a great way to get a disease and a lot of regret.  If you want to meet the kind of girl that would be relationship material try becoming a curious conversationalist.  Strike up conversations with any person that seems interesting, regardless of whether or not you have any romantic interest in them.  When the people you are talking to realize that you have interest in them as a person and not just as a potential notch in your bed stand they will tend to have a more positive response and they may end up introducing you to your perfect match.  Or they may just be the other end of a single conversation you will never forget. 

Do you see the theme here?  You are putting so much pressure on yourself because you are surviving your life right now rather than living it.  I have a big sign in my office that says "BE HERE NOW"  to remind me to take a breath and savor the moments.  When we savor our life we may not have as much time for everything but we get far more out of each thing we do.   We stop seeing our activities in terms of success and failure and rather in terms of memories we wish to repeat and memories we wish to learn from.  No failure in that equation.  

gave ex full custody, am I a bad Mom?

(This blog has not been as frequent as it should be as I just had my first child a month ago and moved into a new home 3 weeks ago.  No more excuses, if you write me questions I will answer and post, your job is to follow.)

Question:  After four years of marriage my husband and I divorced and I granted him full custody of our son.  There were a number of issues in our marriage, one of them being I think my husband was using me so he could present a better candidate to adoption agencies.  My husband did all the work to set up the adoption and he is an extremely loving father.  It may sound terrible but while I do love my son I do not feel as connected to him as I think I would be if he was my biological child.  After the divorce I moved to a neighboring state and while I have visitation every other weekend it didn't make sense for me to fight my ex for custody.  I felt like I was doing what was best for my son and I felt no need to use him as leverage to punish my ex.  When I tell people my ex husband has custody that look at me as if I must be a terrible mother or a meth addict.  How do I get people, particularly my son as he gets older, to understand that it's because I love my son that I left him with his Father.  

Answer:  The only opinion that matters is that of your son.  Adopted children are particularly sensitive to feelings of abandonment, as long as you go out of your way to call and remain in his life even when you do not have visitation things there should be fine.  

In society at large there is a bias that children should be with their mothers no matter what.  I know many fathers who have stayed in a loveless marriage because they were petrified that they would lose contact with their children.  You are not being paranoid if you assume that people are pre-judging you when they hear you do not have custody of your child.  People are also pre-judging you when they find out you are divorced, if you have had a home foreclosed on, lost a job, are a white sox fan...

So when you go into a situation with a person who is new in your life and an awkward topic comes up how do you prove you are not a child abuser or meth addict?  Answer:  act like a normal person.

In previous posts of may have discussed the Tabloid Effect.  When we are in the supermarket we all notice the tabloids which claim outrageous, and sometimes true, things about celebrities.  If I see a headline that says, "Angelina Jolie Eats Babies!"  and I like Angelina Jolie I will think, "that's crazy talk".  If I hate Angelina Jolie I will think "I knew that bitch was eating babies."  and if I have never heard of Angelina Jolie I will think "Hmmm guess I wouldn't leave my kids at her house".

No matter what I thought when I read the headline if I were ever to meet Angelina Jolie I would weigh my experience with her much more heavily than any rumors that I had previously heard about.

If you believe that your son is better off with your ex-husband then he is, and you made the right decision.  Never let society scare you out of doing the right thing, especially for your child, just because it isn't the norm. People will pre-judge you when you do something that is not typical but if you have the power to move past that pre-judgement very quickly so do not let it slow you down from meeting people and letting them know your story.

As I said before the most important thing is that you tell your son over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over how much you love him and that you want to maintain a place in his life.  In so doing you can help him to realize that he is not destined to be abandoned and that even when people leave that doesn't mean relationships have to end.

Failed out, now what?!

(Lately I post very irregularly so you are going to want to follow the blog, on this site or on face book so you make sure you don't miss a posting)

Question:  Freshman year did not go so hot and my college has stated I cannot return next year.  My parents and I agree that I should take a year off from school.  I want to take the rest of my life off and just go ski and coach, which are the only two things that really make me happy.  I live in the mid-west and the flatness and the weather here really depress me.  I just don't feel like school is for me, but I know it isn't practical to try to be a ski bum the rest of my life.  The very idea though of trying to return to a campus and study stuff I don't care about makes me feel overwhelmed and trapped.  I don't know where to go from here.  

Answer:  It sounds like you do know what you want, you are just asking for permission to do something you and your parents think is impractical.  Let me tell you what I think is impractical, spending four years and 160,000 on a business degree so you can pray to get a job that you don't really want and maybe save up enough money to go skiing 20 days a year (by the time you are 30).

When I was 22 a man asked me what I really wanted to do.  I told him I wanted to travel around and put on presentations about male socialization and violence.  He asked, "Why don't you?"  I thought no one would take me seriously.  I thought I needed a masters degree.  I still gave it a shot but I didn't go after it very hard because I didn't believe I was "qualified".

12 years later I have two masters degrees and the knowledge that no one is going to take me seriously because of those.  Now I do those presentations but I'm not as good at them as I would have been back then because I'm out of practice.

The best education in life IS LIFE.  If you have a dream job find someone who is actually doing it and offer to work for them for free for as many hours as you can possibly spare.  Someone is getting paid to do something that you would pay to do.  I talk to people and coach lacrosse for a living.  Both are things I would pay to do.  If you are passionate about what you do and there is a market for your service you can make a living.

The purpose of college is a sorting machine where the really rich and the really bright meet and partner up as friends, romantically, and for business.  You don't need college for that, you can skip that step and go meet the people who are already where you want to be and form relationships.  College is a great life experience but it is not essential unless you want to go into certain fields which require a special license or certification. 

Dan Miller, author of the book 48 days to the work you love hosts a free pod cast that you can download from itunes or from his website http://www.48days.net/ which gives people advice about how to pursue their dream using practical steps that you can show to your parents.  Use this year to meet people and soak up experience and you will find you get a lot more useful knowledge out of that than any college could have given you. 

When you are the one who has "failed out" it feels like you are all alone and everybody else has their stuff together.  Most of your peers are just going through the motions of going to college because that is what everyone expected.   Many of them will hit their identity crisis in 3 years as graduation looms and they still have no idea what they really want to do with their lives.

Your mission now is to fail forward.  This experience is an opportunity if you can learn from it and use that information to make a quality plan for your future.  When you are feeling overwhelmed take smaller bites and chew, we don't swallow life a year at a time we do it day by day. 

 

Can sex at 13 be consensual?

(I'm sorry I didn't have time to blog in May.  Keep the questions coming and I promise I will answer even if they don't make the blog).  

Question:  When I was 13 I had a crush on a 21 year old guy and he raped me.  Years later I ran into him and he said "You know you wanted it."  When I told my therapist about it she said, that even if I had wanted it (which I didn't) it still would have been rape.  It took me a long time, but I know that bastard raped me, but I don't know if I believe that a 13 year old can't have consensual sex. I think when I was 13 if I had been with a loving guy who had been patient and kind I could have had beautiful consensual sex, even if the guy had been older.  Is that possible? 

Answer:  No, it is not possible for a 13 year old to have consensual sex with anyone, even the nicest kindest person on the planet, even if he was 12, because consent implies having a real understanding about what you are agreeing to, and no 13 year old is mentally and emotionally prepared for sex, even if they have been having it for years. 

I want to be clear that I am not even talking about the legal issues.  Legally a 13 year old having sex is seven kinds of wrong, but I don't think most people make their sexual decisions about what the law says, I think/hope they decide based on a morality that is far stronger than law.

There have been millions of examples of 13 year olds having sex throughout history who did not feel violated and who have had no regret about the experience.  There have also been examples of 13 year olds fighting in wars and working in coal mines and successfully doing all kinds of things that they were really not ready for. 

If we asked 13 year olds if they wanted to and fight in Afghanistan and we made it seem as glamorous and adult as our media makes sex seem you wouldn't be able to sign them up fast enough.  I would have signed up at 13 and no matter how many gory war documentaries you made me watch I still would have wanted to go.  Does that mean I would have been able to consent?  No, because no matter how many hours I played Call of Duty, I still just don't get it. 

13 year old boys and girls will continue having sex, and in certain cultures it will be supported by adults.  In other countries and cultures this may not be considered illegal or immoral but it will never be the most healthy thing for that individual's development. 

In this country, however, no matter how much that boy or girl "wants it" and sometimes they really really do, we must do everything in our power to help them to wait.  Just as we would ask them to wait before driving, going to college, or fighting in a war.  Some of them could handle it and be fine, but when something goes wrong and we still have so much growing to do a trauma can stunt growth permanently. 

When someone more than two years older than a teen wants to connect intimately with them they are betraying signs that something is emotionally malformed within them.  Healthy adults are repelled by the idea of sex with someone who is not fully formed.  Unfortunately many younger teens, especially girls, find these emotionally stunted predators attractive because they feel like they have something in common with them.  They do, both people are not fully formed, but the teen still has a chance to grow, and the predator, is unlikely to ever grow into a healthy person. 

What if my boyfriend is addicted to porn?

(this blog would like to be followed, when you click to follow the blog smiles and an angel gets its wings.  If you have a question e-mail and I will answer)

Question:  My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and lately it seems I am always the one who has to initiate sex or any kind cuddling or intimacy.  He is not the type to cheat, but over the years we have had several arguments about porn and although he swore he would stop using it, when I checked the Internet search history it was obvious he had been using it A LOT.   My friends tell me that most guys check out porn, but I feel like a 24 year old guy should still have enough energy left for his girlfriend.  To be honest I hate that he uses it at all, I feel like I should be enough for him, then when we are together and he doesn't stay "excited" I feel like a failure.  What am I supposed to do?  I've already asked him to stop using porn and he lied to me.  I love him but I feel like I'm in a fight I can't win.  Should I insist he go into counseling or I break up with him?  Help!

Answer:  I'm not sure if he is an addict but your boyfriend certainly has a porn problem.  A person has a problem with any issue (drinking, drugs, gambling, self injury, sex) when they persist in a behavior even after it has caused problems in their life functioning and/or relationships.  

Whether or not he is addicted getting rid of the porn is not going to fix your relationship because the real problem is communication, and until that is fixed neither of you are getting your sexual or intimacy needs met. 

I'm guessing that your boyfriend discovered porn long before the two of you met and it filled niche for him in his life.  It was a readily available, low cost/consequence way to find sexual release.  When you guys began to connect the excitement of the relationship was probably enough to gratify him, or maybe he continued using porn in conjunction with your relationship.  Regardless, most people in a new relationship are hesitant to share their sexual fantasies for fear of being rejected.  

Somewhere along the way you discovered his use of porn and you broadcast a message loud and clear that you were not okay with it.  An unintended consequence of this was that you probably caused him to feel shame and this led him to close off communication about his sexual needs and desires.   

Now the question becomes how can your boyfriend win?  If he has a desire for something outside the pattern of love making that you have developed he cannot express it without risking rejection.  If he seeks out porn for release he is lying to you and betraying you.  As the relationship continues the increased pressure he feels sounds like it is leading to some erectile dysfunction and the shame spiral just gets worse. 

As an added complication, some men who are porn/masturbation addicted can have a very hard time ejaculating without the familiar pressure that only they know how to provide. As much as vagina/mouth/anus of a partner might be infinitely more desirable to them in concept in real life the body may only respond to what it has grown accustomed to. 

The fix for this is simple.  Get curious.  You need to approach your boyfriend and in an open and non-judgemental way and explore with him what he was getting from the porn.  As long as it does not involve something illegal or immoral perhaps there is a way you can share some of his turn ons and stop having to view porn as a competitor.  Your boyfriend will probably be suspicious that this is some kind of trap and will be hesitant to share so it is likely you will have to provide him with some of your hidden desires first until he can really trust that it is okay to share.

Although most porn is sexist, misogynistic, insipid and of low quality, you might be able to find some movies that are not pornographic but still provide enough sexual tension to excite both of you.

One way to help take away the pressure on sex is to set a goal up front of making love without penetration.  There are a million ways to get each other off and if the activity involves sharing and connection then that is what making love is really all about.  People have sex with each other every day without any connection being shared, and that kind of mutual masturbation using each other's bodies is not likely to bring contentment back to your relationship. 

If after you try these things you feel that your boyfriend's use of porn is still a competitor and something that is getting in the way of the two of you feeling connection and intimacy, then don't give him an ultimatum, talk to him about it.  If he is willing to seek help support that, if he isn't it may be time for you to move on, but do not attempt to force him into anything as he has already shown that would just lead to lying and more mistrust. 

Ultimately your intimacy will be only as good as your communication.  Until you can establish that either of you can ask for anything (doesn't mean you will get it) without being judged there will be a barrier between you.  Seek to break down that barrier to communication and you may find that a lot of pleasant nights lay ahead.