Can I be gay for just one person?

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Question:  About 18 months ago my friend and I hooked up when we were drunk.  I have always been straight and while I might have kissed another girl at a party to raise an eyebrow and I've always been huge into cuddling with female friends when watching movies or hanging out, there was never anything sexual about it, at least for me.  For the next year my friend and I would hook up on and off, but it was like I had this wall in my mind that this wasn't me, and it was just a game for both of us while we waited to find Mr. Right.  I know it doesn't sound like it from this question but I am a deeply religious person and my church believes homosexuality is a choice and a sin, so I've felt a lot of guilt about the whole thing.  Over the last couple months something has really changed for me.  I'm still attracted to guys and I've never been sexually attracted to another girl, but now I don't want anyone else... God I'm having a hard time even writing this but I think I'm in love with her.  Does this mean I've been lying to myself my whole life?  All those times when I was in high school cuddling with a friend was that really early signs of me being gay, or something?  I've never really believed in bi-sexuality I always just thought those were broken people just looking for anyone to screw or to get attention and now that this is happening to me I feel like my world is upside down.  Can a person be gay for just one person?  I don't know what to do my family and her family would never accept us and I would lose all the people I love from my church.  What if I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same way back?  Help!

Answer:  Feelings are not rational do not try to make them behave that way.  You love this girl so yes, you can be gay for just one person.  It sounds like if you had not been indoctrinated and taught that certain things were wrong and sinful you would have no question in your mind that this is true.  It also sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you that this is impossible so you won't have to risk being rejected, which is a fear greater than losing your church and your identity. 

Alfred Kinsey helped the modern world open the door to the notion that it is normal for human sexuality to go way beyond a man and a woman.  In the ancient world this was so widely accepted that even Emperors would openly take lovers of the same sex.

Our obsession with putting labels on things in an attempt to classify and understand generally works for about 90% of any category but there are always exceptions.  Mammals don't lay eggs except for the platypus.  There are 300 million people in America so even if only 1% were something other than fully hetero-sexual (and the number is probably closer to 15%) that would be 3 million people.  That's a lot of exceptions, don't be shocked if you are one of them.     

The bible generally makes the argument that any sex that is not between two married people trying to create a child is wrong.  Accordingly, if you think you are going to hell for having sex with a girl but having sex with a guy outside of marriage is okay then you weren't listening to your church to begin with.

A great recipe for driving yourself crazy is deciding how the world should be and trying to conform your life and your feelings to fit that.  Not gonna work.  If you want to make it through life without having a breakdown try listening to your feelings instead of trying to control them.  If you love this girl go after her, if she doesn't love you back or if she breaks your heart join the rest of us who have taken our shot at greatness and fallen short.

Just because you fell in love with one woman it does not make you bi-sexual.  You may love just this one girl and love nothing but men for the rest of your life because that is all you are drawn to.  You may fall in love with nothing but women for the rest of your life but still choose to take a male lover and a husband because that is how you want to live.  Whatever you do is fine if you are living your life honestly with yourself and your partners and you stop trying to bend the facts to fit the philosophy.  Good luck and go get her.   

Is my friend addicted to her medication?

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Question:  For years a friend of mine had anxiety issues.  It gradually got worse and worse to the point where she had a hard time driving (ex. she couldn't make left turns and would start to freak out if she had to go to a stop light).  Recently she started taking anti-anxiety medication and she is doing great, better than she's been in years, but is she stuck taking them forever?  Will she ever be able to be independent of the medication or is she now addicted to it?  

Answer:  There is a difference between reliance and addiction.  My wife relies heavily on her glasses, without them she could not see well enough to drive or distinguish faces across a room.  My wife is not addicted to her glasses.  

Many people who are reliant on any external source of aide or support can become psychologically dependent on it.  They may feel that without Mom to pack their lunch for them, or the walker they use to get to the car, they will simply not be able to function.  In some cases this is detrimental to a person's development and independence, we often speak of learned helplessness when a person simply gives up without the external support they are used to.  In most cases, however, as long as a person remembers that even without support they can function, it might be really uncomfortable or inconvenient but they will get by, then it is not a problem.

Something becomes an addiction when the relationship with a substance, behavior, person, becomes a priority out of balance with all other priorities.  If a friend would risk your relationship by lying to you to protect their relationship with drugs, gambling, sex, etc.. then they may have an addiction or a Dependence Problem.

Often I deal with parents who are afraid to allow their children to use medication for ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, etc... They worry that the child will use this as a crutch and will not push themselves through tough times instead relying on the medication.  The fear is legitimate if the medication is presented as an answer instead of as part of a process of healing and coping.  

When a person has anxiety their brain has stopped perceiving the world as it actually is and chemical signals are being sent around the brain telling it that there is grave danger when really there is little or none.  The brain can be re-calibrated without medication using a number of different therapies, from relaxation techniques to exposure therapy which helps to react appropriately to stimuli.  This can be a long and really uncomfortable process particularly without medication.

There are two ways medications are used to treat anxiety.  The more healthy way is using medications like SSRI's which build up slowly in the system and help the brain to see the world as it is.  The more immediate way is to use medications when an anxiety or panic attack flares up.   These PRN (as needed) medications hold a high risk of addiction and doctor's like to avoid them if possible because they reinforce a negative notion that when I have a problem I pop a pill and I feel better.  These are medications that tend to get abused and are very dangerous when combined with alcohol or other drugs.

If your friend is working with a doctor and a therapist there is a very good chance she will be able to go off the medication some day.  If she is not doing any therapy she may always be dependent on medication but again that will not be an addiction unless she begins to put her reliance on the medication ahead of other things.  For example if she risks driving under the influence because she cannot bare the idea of driving without a prn anxiety medication even though she has been drinking.

Ultimately medications are a tool to help us live as if we did not have the impairment which triggered their use.   So long as the medication is being used as prescribed by a doctor and is leading to more healthy and typical functioning than life without it then support your friend and worry instead about whose turn it is to drive.

My friend is a horrible, awful, wonderful LIAR, I think.

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Question: My friend is really smart and funny and I love hanging out with her but lately I don't feel like I can trust her.  She always has these really dramatic things happening to her that she won't allow us to talk to anyone about to verify, like she said she has cancer but we are not allowed to mention it around her parents.  Things have gotten worse in this area since we started high school and me and most of our friends went to public school and she went to a small private school in our community.  I think she tells lies so that we will stay with her and keep caring about her, but I don't like being manipulated.  On the other hand I think what if she is telling the truth and I am just the worlds worst friend for questioning her when she really needs my understanding.  How do I confront her without offending her?  

Answer: Liars lie because they do not have the confidence that if they tell the truth they will not be rejected.  You need to confront your friend with all the good things you think about her, how much she matters to you and why.  Then you can express your confusion about how all the bad things keep happening to one person and why it stretches your belief. 

Imagine she is telling the truth and you don't confront her.  Eventually you will grow more and more distant from her as your discomfort with her incredible life situation and the way she tries to compartmentalize it.  Regardless something needs to change or else this you will lose this friendship.  

So often people try to avoid conflict to save a friendship, most often we see this when romantic feelings are held by one member of a friendship and they do not express them to avoid conflict and tension.  Well guess what?  A real friendship can survive some tension, and if it can't then how strong can it really be?  

In my experience every time I have avoided conflict in a relationship that relationship has withered on the vine and other relationships began to demand more of my time and attention.  In cases where I avoided expressing romantic feelings for a female friend eventually one of us started dating somebody else and the friendship was difficult to make time for.  What really got saved? 

So write your friend a note or speak to her one on one in a venue where she will not be embarrassed.  Start by bringing up an image of a time you felt really close to her so that you both have a good vibe going into a more difficult concept.  Tell her this is how you want to feel again but right now you don't.

Then you use the Ask Maigler patented 4 point method for discussing difficult subjects.  1.) How I'm feeling 2.) What I think the problem is 3.)  What I'm afraid of (both by bringing this issue up and if I didn't bring this issue up) 4.) What I hope will happen next.

There is a 99% chance your friend has been lying and this is one of the most difficult habits to change.  So part 4 is the most crucial.  DO NOT ask your friend to confess she is a liar.  Instead tell her that when she tells some of these stories that stretch credulity you have a hard time relating to her.  Ask her permission for you to say that when you are feeling uncomfortable. 

When she tells a lie what is she really asking for?  She really wants to know that she is cared for.  Well ask her to simply cut to the chase and rather than telling you the details express that you just want to know how she is feeling and what she needs from you.  By doing this you are less likely to get caught up in the BS and you will give her what she really needs.  If this is successful in time she will be able to break her habit of lying because she will realize she doesn't need it anymore, at least not with you.

Be aware however, for this to work, if she does call you and tells you she is sad and she doesn't know why, you cannot just blow her off and tell her that you really have to study right now.  If you do she will be reinforced in her belief that she needs to create a fantastic circumstance to get anyone to listen to her.

Good luck, it sounds like this friend has some really good qualities, hopefully her bad habit doesn't end up driving all her friends away.   

drama with my girlfriend's sister

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Question:  Every time I go to my girlfriend's house her sister goes out of her way to start shit with me.  She picks at me with little comments about anything from my appearance to the college I go to.  I've tried ignoring it, and I've tried using humor to spar back with her, but she will leave the room crying and it leads to fights between my girlfriend and I.  I do not know what I ever did to this girl, I don't think it is jealousy because she has her own boyfriend who she has been dating for three years.  I just need this to stop because it is leading to a lot of tension between my girlfriend and I and It has gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable at her house.  

Answer:  Get curious and be direct.  Using humor is often a good way to deflect tension and still be assertive about an issue but you have to be very delicate with it or you can come off looking like the bad guy.  Rather than asking sarcastically what her problem is, become honestly curious about her and what is going on, eventually she will be able to tell the difference.  

For example if you were to walk into the house and she said something like "Great Bob's here, another evening ruined."  You could try to make a clever quip to make her look like a moron but that would give her an opportunity to be the victim.  If instead you just said, "Wow, that was pretty mean.  Is there something I can do to fix the way you feel about that?"

Her likely response will be something flip and trite like "try leaving" but you just persevere in the nicest-most- curious-dorkiest way possible and say "Well I'm not going to leave but I honestly don't want to bother you if you think of how we can fix this let me know."

This method of taking control of the situation without anger will make her more uncomfortable with her behavior than you are.  For some reason she doesn't like you and she wants to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend.  When you react with anger she wins.

Ultimately you do want to ask her, one on one, either in a letter or in person what the problem really is. You should not hide your desire to confront the issue with you girlfriend but do not be surprised if she councils you to just ignore it.  

If her sister is the drama queen of the family your girlfriend is probably the peacemaker and has learned to survive by not stepping on the land mines that her sister leaves around.  She may even see her sister as a loving protector.  Rather than trying to drive a wedge between your girlfriend and her sister you want to do the opposite so you can get by the defenses and figure out what is really going on here.

When people are behaving irrationally they are afraid of something (if they are not totally insane).  If you girlfriend's sister is insane or a has a fixed and unchanging awful personality that will eventually become clear to both you and your girlfriend as long as you react positively to her.  

We must assume, however, that your girlfriend's sister has some fear with regard to you.  Perhaps your girlfriend was cheated on by a previous boyfriend and her sister wants to look out for her.  In order to extinguish the negative reactions to you we must determine what her fear is and help her see that you are not going to be a problem.  

It will be hard for her to react negatively if you approach her by saying something like "Listen, I know you love your sister very much and want what is best for her.  For some reason you seem to think that isn't me.  I want to find out from you what the problem is so we can move past it because I'm sure we both just want (your girlfriend) to be happy and the tension between us is upsetting her." 

Good luck and I will cross my fingers that she isn't simply a nut.  

domestic violence at neighbors?

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Question:  My wife and I live in a building where the walls between apartments are not that thick.  Recently a family moved in next door and they have a kid (maybe 5) and a baby.  From time to time we would hear crying through the walls but we figured, babies cry and little kids cry when they don't get what they want.  We would sometimes hear shouting and once or twice something would pound against the wall.  I wanted to do something but I never saw any bruises on the wife or the kids.  Things never went on for more than a minute or two and it wasn't super loud.  How do I know when to get involved and when it is just a family being a family and having some fights?  

Answer:  If it made you uncomfortable there was something wrong with it.  If your neighbor's smoke alarm was going off or their music was too loud you would get up and go knock on the door.  If you are ever worried about a person do not hesitate to be a good neighbor and offer assistance. 

If there is nothing going on they will more than likely seem sheepish, apologize for the noise or explain what was happening.  If they get highly defensive, back off and make sure you are safe.  If you feel threatened or something just seems fishy report the situation to the police.

Many people are afraid that if they stick their noses into something they will only make it worse for the wife/children who might be in an abusive situation.  It is possible that drawing attention to the situation might make things worse that night or in the short term but ultimately it was going to get worse anyway and at least by investigating you are opening the door to possible relief.  

Sexism, Racism, Hetero-sexism, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, none of these things will ever get better as long as the perpetrators are able to make well meaning people feel more ashamed and uncomfortable than they are.  

We direct our attention to victims/survivors but we really need to direct our energy toward engaging bystanders, good people like you, and encouraging them to take that next step.  Reach out, get to know your neighbor.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be great people.  Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be weirdo's who borrow your hair dryer and never give it back.  The point is if you think something is wrong and you do nothing then you are complicit in keeping the violence going.  There are no innocent bystanders!  A lost hairdryer or an awkward conversation is a small price to pay for potentially saving a life.

Please take 2 minutes and watch this U-Tube video which expresses the problem better than I ever could. 

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  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW30WslahMc

What if I can't enjoy sex while sober

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Question:  I love my boyfriend, he is awesome, he treats me well and he is really cute.  We have been dating for almost two years and we are really comfortable together.  The problem is our sex kinda stinks.  I used to really enjoy sex and get into it and especially lately I feel like I'm just waiting for him to be done.  I debate faking an orgasm just so he will finish faster and then I feel guilty.  I thought about it and I can't remember ever really enjoying sex when I wasn't drunk or high.  I think then I could just feel it, but now I find myself thinking about other things and I can't shut my brain off.  I think about how fat I look or I wonder if he is thinking about other girls.  If I am going to spend my life with this guy something needs to change.  I want to enjoy sex again, but I'm afraid to tell him how I'm feeling and it just isn't practical for me to get drunk or high every time we are going to make love. 

Answer:  Self conscious:  to be aware of one's self.  Doesn't sound like a bad thing but the goal of sex, good sex at least, is to fuse two I's into one and allow feeling overtake our minds.  In the past you used drugs and alcohol to push the mind out of the equation but they create their own barriers.  The best sex of your life is ahead of you not behind, but you must first learn to get excited about your self and your body, and then teach your boyfriend what works best for you to heighten the experience.  

Fake it till you make it is a common phrase used in addictions treatment.  It does not mean that you should pretend to be sober, it means that before you really believe that change is possible you have to embrace it with your mind and live as if you did believe it.

When having sex with your boyfriend do not fake orgasms as that is only likely to keep the same negative patterns going.  Do move and breathe as if really enjoyable sex is possible for you and it is more likely to be achieved.  As you increase your heart rate and blood flow to your erogenous zones you become more likely to orgasm.

Since many women never orgasm through vaginal penetration use foreplay or post play to help you get off.  If you define successful sex only as when both of you climax near the same time you are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on.  Change your definition to make successful sex any sex or play that you enjoy and wish to have more of.

If you have had a problem with him lasting too long and wishing he was done get him closer to climax when you begin and this will be less of  an issue. Many young men have been fooled by the porn industry into believing that all women want their man to just pound away as hard as they can for 90 minutes or more.  That leads to a lot of sore pubic areas and chaffing and not a lot of satisfaction for the gals.

If you feel comfortable enough consider masturbating with your boyfriend so he can see what really does get you off.  Most men want nothing more than to be a successful lover and if you suggest things in a positive way he will not be offended.

For example, if you say "I hate being on top because you make me do all the work and I don't like to look down at my body" the typical man will try to convince you that you look fine and that he will do more work.

If what you want is to try a different position focus on the positive you want to see by saying something like, "I can't wait to see you, I've been thinking all day about you and me in the dark with you (pick position/activity/idea)."  By framing things positively your man will be excited to learn and you are more likely to lose yourself in the experience.

Drugs and alcohol are not the key to having good sex.  The keys are trust, communication, and enthusiasm.  We know that we don't need a partner to get off so if  having your partner in the room is more of a barrier than an aid in achieving orgasm then we must change the trust level and the expectations. 

Should girlfriends taste like smoke?

Question:  I have been seeing this girl for the past 6 months that I am deeply in love with. We get along great, if we ever have a problem we bring it up to each other in a peaceful calm manner and solve it there and then. Lately I think she has been smoking because whenever I kiss her, her mouth tastes like an ash tray. I've hinted her whenever we're in conversation that smoking is gross and very unattractive to me and she agrees with me but she still tastes like it sometimes when we kiss. First time I noticed this I asked her if she was smoking and she seemed to take a little offense to it and said no. On occasion it continues. Her mother does the same thing with smoking and acting like she doesn't. What should I do? I don't want to seem like a controlling boyfriend by saying don't do it but I do want it to stop because I feel like shes lying to me.


Answer:  Take a second to think about this from her perspective. Either one of two things is happening, she is an occasional smoker and likes smoking and wants to keep doing it, but she also knows you don't approve and are unlikely to be convinced that it is okay. Or she doesn't smoke and occasionally for some reason she just has bad breath.


Either way you are accusing her of something uncomfortable and she has no way to win. If she is a smoker and she is honest with you she is either going to have to lose smoking or lose you (well maybe not lose you but deal with your disapproval). If she is not a smoker well then that is just awkward.



Is smoking a deal breaker for you? Is bad breath? Is honesty?



Assume that she is smoking and put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would like her to react. Then pretend she is not smoking and ask yourself the same question.



Ultimately you will need to have a very direct conversation with her. No beating around the bush about how you don't like smoking generally, but the next time you feel like you taste it you need to say (you can also do this in letter format)



"Hey we need to talk. I'm really confused because I feel like there are times when I keep tasting smoke when we kiss. Part of me wants to believe you that you don't smoke and I feel like a jerk for bringing this up if it is just some odd dental condition, but when I see the way your Mom hides her smoking it makes me wonder. I hope you realize how much I love you and that if you did feel the need to smoke from time to time it would be so much more important to me that you were honest about it than the issue of whether or not you did it. I am not saying you were lying to me before but I try to put myself in your shoes and I feel like I would have made it pretty hard for you to be honest if you had been smoking when I went on and on about how much I disapproved of it. I want to have a long relationship with you and smoking is not a deal breaker with me, but trust and honesty are. Also nice breath is pretty important. If I ever have smoky, galic, onion, pretzel or any other kind of unpleasant taste in my mouth I really want you to tell me so I can chew some gum or get a mint or something. I want your permission to bring this up to you if I notice it. To be honest I kinda hope you have been smoking because that will be a lot easier to fix than if this is some kind of stomach condition. More importantly I hope we can both be open and honest with each other about the little things and you never feel like you have to hide something from me.



Or tell her something like that. The main idea is whatever is wrong with the taste in her mouth you get rid of it and you lay the ground work for her to be honest in the future. It is unlikely if she has been smoking that she is just going to come right out and admit it, but she might if she would prefer you think that than she just has smoky gross mouth. Believe it or not I have seen people lose multi-year relationships over stuff as little as oral hygine when the one partner tried to just drop hints and wait for it to get better. If you like this girl you owe it to her and the relationship to be more direct.