Boss, Mentor or Friend?

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Question:  I am a manager of a major chain retail store and I take my role as a mentor to my employees very seriously.  One of my employees is a warm charismatic guy but he tends to make terrible impulsive decisions.  He regularly came to me for advice and has probably been more candid than he should have been about his past legal history, drug use, and adventures with women.  As a result when he told me he was dating a co-worker 8 years his junior and asked me what I thought of it, I was honest with him that it seemed kinda creepy to me.  Since this conversation he has been distant, dishonest with me on more than one occasion and I'm worried about him.  I feel like I'm doing a bad job of balancing the roles of manager, mentor, and friend and I don't know what I can do to help him but still remain honest and professional.  Any ideas? 

Answer:  The hardest thing about managing any of these roles is telling people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear.   A worse manager or friend would have given him a big thumbs up and then told the girl to run for the hills.  

To help keep your priorities in order remember that you cannot be a mentor to him or anyone if you lose your job for running the store poorly or allowing employees to conduct themselves in a way that will open the business up to risk or liability.

As long as his jugement is poor but it is limited to his personal life then you should stay out of it unless he invites you in.  In this case he did and he was dissapointed with your response.  That is a risk we all face in any time we ask for advice when we are really just looking for a rubber stamp of approval on our questionable behaviors.

If your employee really has a tendency to make poor impulsive decisions no one can help him until he determines what his passion is.  Many people have a hard time delaying gratification.  How can you get yourself to wait through the bad times if you don't believe any good times are on the way? So to brighten up your life you smoke some weed, do some coke, have unprotected sex...

The problems with these diversions are obvious even to the people who do them but you cannot take a coping skill (even an unhealthy one) away without replacing it with something else. the key is to get him to replace it with something healthy and positive that gives him a good feeling on a very frequent basis.

The best advice for someone who is feeling down and depressed is for him to get active helping others. This can take him out of his self centered and self defeating behaviors. Helping out with animals, feeding people at a homeless shelter, doing anything that helps him to realize many people have it worse than he does, is a good first step.



Ultimately all you can do is offer these suggestions and allow him to take them or leave them.  As a manager you can directly confront the fact that he has been acting differently toward you since your conversation and you can express you concern for him but after that the ball is in his court.  

Do not be surprised if he continues to lie to you and if he steals from your store.  When he lies to you, especially about little stupid stuff that you probably wouldn't even care about, it is probably not you he is lying to as much as himself. In order to tell the truth we must admit it and if he is carrying around a lot of shame then honesty is a tough habit to maintain.

It sounds like you are doing an excellent job in being a caring manager and mentor.  While friendship with the people who work for you is not impossible you may need to take a step back from that if puts your role as a responsible manager in jeopardy. 

What if my son isn't gay

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Question:  My wife and I have three talented wonderful children who we love unconditionally.  Our second child, K, has been noticeably effeminate since at least the age of three, maybe earlier.  It was so obvious in his mannerisms and preferences for girls toys over boys that not only did we assume that he would grow up to be gay but perhaps even have some gender identity issues.   K is now 17 and by his own internal compass he drifted to theater, choir, and he is an amazing performer.  The other day I was lecturing his younger brother, T, about how to properly treat a lady and the way I expect him to conduct himself when dating.  I guess I pushed a little too far and he exploded at me and went on to tell me in graphic detail about all the girls that his older brother was sleeping with in the drama department.  This may sound like an amusing problem to have if you are not in the situation but I felt like my whole world flipped upside down.  T's comments made me realize that I have raised my children very differently, and I wonder if in my haste to be accepting of K no matter who he is, I did him a disservice by not holding him to the same high moral expectations that I have for T and their older sister.  How do I begin to change this?  Since K has never brought up his sexual identity neither have we, if I tell him we assumed he was gay will that be insulting?  Am I a terrible father because it was easier for me to accept a gay son than an effeminate straight one?  

Answer:  Fair is not giving each person the same thing.  Fair is giving each person what they need.  It is time for you to have an honest and frank conversation with K laying everything out on the table and telling him what your expectations are for him as a person with values regardless of his sexual orientation.

Teenagers may be self absorbed but that means they are rarely un-aware of the things that make them different.  Do not be concerned about offending your son by talking about his effeminate mannerisms.  A boy with more testosterone than a rodeo will get accused of being a homosexual by every friend and enemy at least 1000 times a year between the ages of 10 and 25.  If your son has some how gotten to this age without every slur in the book being thrown at him on a daily basis then that miracle will not be undone by your frank and caring discussion.     

There is a very good chance that your son is straight, and the world is going to misjudge him.  Somehow it seems he has found a way to turn that to his advantage.  It is also possible that he is gay, bi-sexual, pan-sexual, trans-gendered, CONFUSED, or several of these things at the same time.  Regardless of his orientation he needs to be sexually responsible because having a child before you are ready to care for one is not a good plan for the budding thespian.  

Your younger son called you out on the way you treated his brother differently.  Don't let your shame send you the total opposite direction and treating them exactly the same if that is not what they need from you.  Now it is your job to ask yourself each time you do treat them differently, "Is there a reason why I'm doing this?  Does the reason make sense?"  If not change it. 

Both your sons and your daughter need certain Dad wisdom, how to do their taxes, change a tire, fart and blame it on the dog.  Much more they need your love.  Sometimes only the people who love us unconditionally can give us the message that we need a good kick in the ass, and that is what you have to be there for as well. 

So love your son enough to find out who he is and who he is becoming.  Love him enough to ground him and punish him if he needs it.  Love him enough to make sure he has a plan to be safe in a world that can be cruel to anyone who is different.  Love him enough to not second guess the last two decades and do the best you can from this point forward, that is all any child can ask.